Hello, Simon.

After you were kind enough to read my script, I thought I'd return the favor. But I couldn't find any of your work. Reading some of the comments here left by others, I understand why I couldn't find anything written by you, but at last. Anyway, in the spirit of reciprocity, here's my critique of your script.

"Cat" feels like a complete misrepresentation of an "Urban Crime Thriller."
First, the characters are stock: an abusive pimp, an uptight commander, a undercover cop willing to do anything to bring the bad guy to justice.

Second, the slang in this script is so inauthentic, it's distracting. I've never heard the expression "shit-kicker." If your story is contemporary and your characters are African American, they would be of part of the Hip-Hop generation. Folks in that age group don't talk the way you have them talking. Just listen to any Rap album or urban film from the 90s or early aughts.
This script reminded me of those early eighties movies that were set in the inner-city or low income neighborhoods but were written, directed, and acted by people who knew little about life in those areas, like white guys from USC or black actors from Julliard.

As to the symbolism, it felt superfluous. It was neither an enhancement nor detraction.

Lastly, the story itself wasn't intriguing. It's pace tested my patience. I didn't know what was going on and toward the end I didn't care. I didn't know what was at stake? I never felt like BRYA's life was in peril. I never felt ROOT was so dangerous. By the way, why bother to name characters if the names are never spoken in the dialogue? (That's an earnest question--was it done purposely?)

With all that said, I must commend you for writing something that made me cringe as I read it. BRYA is getting abuse from both sides of the law. And the image of ROOT dragging her around is unsettling. If you weren't going for cringe, you succeeded at it, anyway. It was also gritty and atmospheric--nice aesthetics. I felt like a sticky film had enveloped me while I was reading this--kudos for that. If this does get produced, I hope it's set during a heatwave--scorching sunlight in the day and humid evenings--wet brows and sweat soaked clothing.

Best regards,
rmaze.

PS the verb snipe means to shoot from a concealed vantage point.

@ Dan - Hey Dan! Cheers for the read. Yeah, the past-tense used there, well spotted. On the 'My b***' dialogue - checked it, and it's actually formatted as action - don't know what happened there - but glad to see you're ahead of the game -- in blaming Celtx   . Yeah - I wrote it in an hour, then umm'd and aaah'd about it for ages. I can see a lot of the problems with it now - they just don't come up in such sharp relief until someone lights them up. Glad you liked it overall

@ Bill - Thanks for the read - it's the first time I've really played a heavy metaphor as an opener, and it hasn't been shot down too badly, so I think it worked okay (just a pity about the rest of it ...). On the names - I tend to write them large in my head, so I probably just need to tone them down if I'm going to post. Jeff's ticked me off on clarity - visual clarity, so it's something I'll be addressing.

@ E.D. - I must be doing well if I've got your eyes on this one. Names, yes - I picked up one that can be dropped with ease, and it'll give the script a little more efficiency. On the liberties - I'll agree with you here, and I'm guessing you're referring to things like 'kick a heel' - too many too often. Hints re Brya identity were bottom of p3/top of p4. Thanks for the read though - much appreciated.

@ Eoin - thanks for the read - I get what you mean, but in all honesty, this was mainly driven by not wanting to go to great lengths to explore characters motivation & have to set everything up, as that can sap the energy out of a script. But it's obviously not a easy task, and I'm not saying I got it right here. I didn't feel that the hit was the reveal of Brya's identity - more what she does: as a police officer, she has no backup and blows the guy's face off, partly in revenge for the way he treated her, and maybe so she can go run off with the money. But like you say, probably too much going on to really make that clear.

@ Jahon - Hi Jahon. Good spots there, I need to go and sort them out - believe me, I do proff-reed, it's just amazing how much can be missed.

@ Renee - Hi, and thanks for the read. I've done a couple of scripts now with women coming out on top - I think they have very different dynamcs to men, so I'm glad you liked the way Root and Brya played out - the metaphor at the beginning was about them.

@ Coop - hey Coop. "Fine tuning your technique ..." You're too kind -- I say it's a little more than that, but hey, what's a mile or two in good company? Visualization's come up a couple of times - & yeah, I do think it's 'under-written' though a couple of people have said the opposite.

Do Aussie cats never get bemused? Probably too chilled. Check Blighty - bemused cats all over the place.

p2 - It's Axe because he's also undercover with Brya. You'll hate the fact that she was dating Axe, and betrayed him in a love-triangle with Root. But the subtext was there. Honest.

Yeah - the story could be a lot clearer. The warehouse was where Brya and Root were supposed to be - and Brya does double-cross everyone. I'll be checking out your notes against it - thanks for that - you always put a lot of effect in - appreciated.

@ rmaze - Thanks for the read  I had to go back and check which scripts: "Cowboy's Burden" - good piece of work. Yeah - I'd never heard the expression 'sh*t-kicker' - I made it up (I quite liked it). To be honest, I know little about actors from Julliard, and I don't think the script attempted to make any socio-political point.

This clearly didn't do it for you, and that's cool. I don't quite follow what you mean when you say "why bother to name characters if the names are never spoken in the dialogue?". Characters are named if they have dialogue, and speak. I'm not too sure if you meant something else, here?

Thanks for the read anyway - you've raised some intelligent points here that I need to consider.

Hey Simon - I think the first story I read from you was Billy and you did a great job with that so when I saw you wrote Cat I had to read it. First off, it's an engaging story but It was a little hard to get into simply because of the names. Not to say everybody has to be named Steve or Jason but some of the names were a bit odd. Saying that though the plot was solid and I liked the characters. Liked the contrast of the cat eating the rat in turn the undercover cop busting the druglord at the end. Great job-
                                                                                                          Dirk

Hi Dirk - thanks for the read -- yeah, the names I often do like that to make the characters stand out for me when I'm writing it .. a couple of other people remarked on this, so I'm going to rename. Cheers for the read!

Simon

I realise I’m about six months late to the party here for these two scripts, I had them saved on my computer and only getting around to commenting on them now.
I read it first when I downloaded it and didn’t fully understand it, I just gone back to it and given it a couple of reads and still have questions.

First off, I love the name of the characters, Spike Lee would be proud. I particularly like Root Tune, just a cool name to say.

There are a lot of characters to digest here in such few pages which I’m unlike some people, I’m not criticizing since I’ve done it and  more importantly, on screen it won’t be a problem.

My interpretation of the events depicted are as follows: This is some kind of sting operation with Root on the receiving end. All the other characters are cops with Byra working undercover. There is a passing of briefcases which I’m not too sure is about. Does one contain counterfeit or laundered money.

The story appears to jump back and forth in time, intertwining the cops setting up the sting and Root beating Byra so it would do no harm (while completely adhering to format) to include a (FLASHBACK) and (PRESENT) in the scene headings, that’s if I’m correct in my assumptions.

At the end I’m reading it that Byra has cheated everyone and taken off with both briefcases?

If so, the “Cat got the rat, bit?h” line is a little confusing as it misleads one to think Root is the double-crosser or stool pigeon in the whole operation but that doesn’t add up for a couple of reasons. Again, correct me if I’m wrong here.

Questions:
Why is Root beating Byra?

What is Axe’s role in the op?

On the technical side, I like your writing style, I think the staccato action lines work better here tan Billy, very lean and direct. The dialogue too, although it’s a little too elliptical and oblique at times, has some sharp moments.

I can only presume you’ve answered a post like this a dozen times already but I like to read scripts blindsided, sorry if you have to repeat yourself.

Regards

Col.

Hi Col - yeah this was a while back - I've changed some things on this script now, but I've not uploaded a re-write yet.

Regarding the end - yeah, Brya wins out in the end. Re. 'Cat got the rat ... ' - well Brya is the cat and Root is the rat, so I figured it worked? The opener refers to the dynamics - basically cats (cops) normally chase rats (criminals), but Root (rat bares its teeth) tries it on with Brya (cat) and he looses. Also there's the reference on p4 to Brya walking in '...like the cat got the cream'.

Root beating Brya is just to show he's nasty (and I kinda liked the visual).

Axe and Cat are working together, both undercover.

Anyway - thanks for the read - better late than never

Ok, some interesting metaphors working here, each character playing a role but to just include Root beating Byra because it was a cool visual probably explains why it doesn't fit narrative-wise thus jarring the read.

Perhaps you want this read more as an allegorical piece told through visual cues rather than a straight story, either way, I would be open to reading the latest draft if you wanted another opinion on it.

Hey Si

I was gonna read a couple of shorts this morning and apparently they're both yours

Unlike "Billy" I read the replies first and I notice you haven't updated it, so I won't go into the issues that have already been covered.

I just have to say that I like the slang, it really creates character... but of course the "names".

Just let me know when you've posted the updated version and I'll give you better feedback.

Mark

Okay - cheers Mark, I'm going to take into account some of the latest feedback as I like some of the things peole have have said - however late to the party - I'm just not too sure how to update - I guess you go throught the normal process but let Don know it's an update?

Yeah that's pretty much it... When u submit it, just let Don know  in the "any questions  or notes" box below the logline box.


Mark

Simon, I went down the list of "New Unproduced Scripts" that Don posted yesterday and found this one. You read a lot on these boards so I thought I'd give it a read. I was quite surprised to see that it was first posted last summer? Lol! Oh well, I'm slow, what can I say.

To be honest, I had to read this one twice in order to figure out what it really was about. You introduce us to a lot of characters right off the bat on page one. The problem there for me was that the descriptions of them were all about looks. Therefore, I had no idea that some were cops. In my mind, they were just people. Perhaps show something or have them say something that tells us they are cops. That way we can identify and remember them as a group of cops.

Then we have Root who's just not a nice guy and then there's Brya. A 24 year old who turns out to be an under cover cop.

The story itself, I guess, is a sting of some sort. The problem with it for me is that we don't know any of the characters enough to care about them. In fact, I never even knew who our protag is. That's why when writing these short shorts, it's super important not to have too many characters. There can be background characters. That's fine, because we know those are not going to be our heroes, so we don't concentrate on them. Keep the properly introduced characters with dialogue at a minimum. If this was my script, I would have Brya be the protag and Root the antag. Matt, Axe and Dean for example would just be Brya's back-up characters.

Second, I felt this to be a bit bland. There isn't really anything new or interesting going on here. We don't know what the deal is. What is this whole sting thing about? Why not make some clever plot twist in the end that Brya's not just an under cover cop, but she's also smart enough to plan this so that she herself walks away with the money. Give us something more than what this story is right now.

And who's CORRIDOR MATT?  

Anyway, not bad, but IMHO needs more to really grab a reader/audience.

simon, the opening scene seemed to have been written purely to provoke a negative response to "whores" and black males. for that reason alone, i left after having read the first sentence of dialogue. it just seems as if you played to an image in your head which you liked, but that, nonetheless, won't ever be marketable. now, i bet you have some seriously good stories to tell beyond this one. i'd be interested to see a few of them for comparison's sake, at least.

Hi Pia - thanks for the thoughtful feedback. Yeah - in the end Brya does take the money - she's no need to shoot he guy as his weapon has no ammo in it. And Corridor Matt - didn't even see that one - I'll have to change it ...  

Hi Cour. Thanks for the read. The first sentence of dialogue is "We've been compromised.", so I'm not with you there. If I'd wanted to provoke a negative response to black males I've had done it. That doesn't bother me in the least. Here, we have a drugged (looking) male who is black. That's all. It happens. Brya's dressed like a prostitute, because that's how prostitutes dress - although she's not a pro. It was intended as an impact image, and as such I think it works - there may have been better ways of doing it, okay; but it sets up the nature of the 'supposed' relationship between the two quickly (and maybe effectively?), which is what I wanted. Thanks for the feedback nonetheless.

Simon

Just tried opening this.  There's a problem at dropbox.


Phil