Hey Guys,

For the most part of this one I found myself really enjoying it. The dialogue is great and I found it quite easy to get into the story. The idea of a crazy jealous man... Yeah, I love it.

Once I read your explanation of the ending I understood exactly what had just happened. My main concern if I were you would be how can a film producer take this script and effectively convey that same idea, without confusing the daylight out of their audience. I mean, you've seen the amount of confusion you guys have had already. Who's to say the same thing wont happen to a final film? Just a thought.

Visuals are essential in a script like this and unfortunately I think the script is somewhat lacking on that aspect. You have no character descriptions. I have no idea what these two guys look like. It's left for me to make assumptions based on how the characters behave. So, I'd assume that One has greasy hair, probably a beard, stained teeth, where Two is well-dressed, clean shaven and all the rest. The problem is, I shouldn't be left to assume, I should be told what they look like. There are certain things to leave for interpretation, but character descriptions aren't one of them IMO.

Hope this helps. Feel free to pm me if you have any questions.

Dan

I just read this and did not read any comments before the read, as to not taint my review.  After reading it (page by page notes below), I am mostly with Dreamscale here.  

It is not really a flashback.  As you explain it, it is a dream sequence.  I still don't get that he eventually kills himself.  In the first scene you have him alive and well, and then a knock at the door.  I too, thought this was Two, but why would he knock if you have him open the door with a key?

I am ok with the dialog and the exposition, as long as it fits the story.  You had a lot of it, and in the end, have to explain the story to us.  That means you didn't quite convey what you wanted in the script.  I understand (after your explaination) of where you were going with this, and think you can get there with another rewrite.  Just tidy some of what everyone is saying and put your own bits in there.

Interesting thought on this, but short on execution (pun intended).  Would like to read the next rewrite.  Heres my notes:

Pg 1:  The bed sits... and the chair sits...  I would try and change it up.  At least have “A chair is in the opposite corner.”  Also, you said the room is empty.  How can there then be a chair and a clock?

“We begin to hear...” change that to something like, “ A strange and very soft sound of incoherent voices begins, as if moving into One's dream.”  No “we hear”s.

Why would Two knock if he has a key?  Maybe I will find out as I read.

Pg 2: Two says, “... We need to find you a someone you can actually get along with.”  Need to remove the “a”

“Two stands up and interrupts One”  don't need to tell us he interrupts, just that he stands.  We know he does with the dialog.

In your description, you said He starts rifling through shit strewn on the table.  I believe you can/should use “shit” in dialog because it is what people say.  Not sure if it really flies in description, plus you can always do this better here anyway.

Pg 3:  Don't need parenthetical to tell us he interrupts.  We get it from the dialog.

Pg 7:  You already said One clicked the safety off, but said it again before he started the off/on for effect part.

Bert, thanks for the read. Consider the One and Two issue fixed.

I will find a way to show how he got the gun, and in the next draft will cut the rubbish and make it clearer on what is going on. Mm, yes, being ill could work well. I will pitch it to my writing partner. Very good thoughts, thanks, Bert.

Jeff, what should the slug be? "Dream"?

Yes, the majority of the script is a dream. I don't think this is a huge issue. Do you disagree? Why?

Again, the gun thing may be an issue. I don't think it's a huge issue, though. I think you can order online. You should know that more than me, Jeff, living in the US of A where every second grandma and grandkid has some form of gun in their back pocket. Didn't James Holmes order his stuff online? Maybe not, i'm not sure. Anyway, I will figure that one out.

Sorry this story isn't for you

Steven,

I'm onto the whole it's-not-really-a-flashback thing and will change it to dream sequence or similar

Yep, i'm onto the logline too, well picked up.

Thanks! I will try and iron out the troubling bits.

Oh, please, God, don't be that instant rubbish! (reference to coffee)

Dan, thank you! Dan the fan! Yeah, good point, it does lack descriptions a bit, next draft i'm onto it!  Thanks again, Dan.

JJ, thanks for the read.

Consider the flashback-dream issue sorted, i'm onto it.

Thanks for all the notes, I will include them all in the next rewrite, which I hope you will be able to read, as I am confident it will be an improvement on this one.  Thanks again!

Tommy, yeah, the Flashback should be written as "DREAM" IMO, but then again, my main point is that it's a bit strange to have a dream coming from a dead guy.  I just don't see how that can ever work.

As many have said, the key here and really in all writing is clarity.  If at all possible (and it is!), you want your readers to understand 100% of the script, 100% of the time, on their very first read through.

IMO, the premise is flawed here, and I don't see how you can get around that.

Hey Tommy nice to see you around.

I got to say I was a little confused by this but I gather I'm not the only one.  I thought One was ill and was in need of drugs and was also in trouble with the law but then after reading your posts I'm not sure he's ill at all?

The flashback confusion has been brought up by others and I think you need to change it.  It's weird because of course on screen you would have no indication as the whether it was a flashback or a dream lol.

I did like how you drip fed us the story but it was a little long winded at times.  I think a rewrite would benefit this script greatly.

Hey Tommy (and Nick),

Haven't seen you around in a while and saw you got something new up, so I thought I'd take a look at it.

Whoowee is this a confusing one.

While it's a story that may have potential, it also has a huge big drawback that I'm not sure it well ever be able to overcome.  And that's with how confusing it is.

All right, saying you give the character's names, (which only added to the confusion in the first place), it's still going to be a very difficult story to get across because of the timeline, or whatever it is.

There's a smash cut here, a cut here, you have to flashback here, cut back here... that right there is confusing to follow in and of itself.

And, technically, it's not a flashback, nor I guess is it a dream sequence.  It's a daydream sequence.  So technically, One, (or Two, I forget which brother was which) has to be awake in order to daydream himself into killing himself.

Into the script, you may be able to spoonfeed information to us in the slugline to clear up the matter in the next draft.  But the problem with that is... it's not going to translate to the film at all.  It'll still be just as confusing onscreen as it is now on the page.

And wow!  House arrest for something involving 15 grand on a police sting?  That's automatic hard time right there.  And is the brother borrowing the money for house arrest?  Where I'm from, it's 39 dollars a day.  (Lol.  Don't ask how I know the exact amount.  :-)  That's over 14 grand he'd have to pay up front right there.

Plus, let's not forget that it's only house arrest.  It's hard to believe that the brother would want to kill himself because he's on house arrest.

The stakes definately have to be raised there and I think Bert's idea of giving him a terminal or close to terminal illness would definately not only raise the stakes, but add an emotional element to the story, and could be why the other brother is so dead set on giving him the medication he needs.  I remember at the end, my dad was giving up and remember my uncle fuming at him to take his medication.

Of course, there's still the timeline element to fix up.  I'm wondering if you might just be able to tell a straight up heartfelt story, and not worry about trying to trick us and put a weird twist in there that's going to be hell to tell onscreen.

Those are just my thoughts while reading, though.

It's nice to see you back again, Tommy.

- Mark

Jeff, thanks for that, I will put it in the next draft.

Alffy, the drugs were to show that he is mentally ill, not sick as such. The rewrite will be more concise, hope you will be able to read it. Thanks for the feedback

Mark, thanks for the read. Yes, I might have to do some more research into a house arrest, or scrap it all together. I think the idea of him being sick (as you and Bert and others have suggested) only and unable to leave his house will work better, am considering having it in the rewrite. Thanks again, I hope I can write more stuff and will be back on the site more often!

**

I am coming up with a plan based on all the feedback thus far on a massive rewrite and I hope it will address most people's concerns. Watch this space!

Quoted from Dreamscale Tommy, yeah, the Flashback should be written as "DREAM" IMO, but then again, my main point is that it's a bit strange to have a dream coming from a dead guy.  I just don't see how that can ever work.

Hi Dreamscale,

I am the co-writer on this script. It seems you don't understand that the dream (or constructed reality or daydream or delusion, for lack of any better names for the concept) happens *before* he dies. Ultimately, he dies because he shoots himself. He shoots himself whilst under the delusion that his brother is in the room, struggling with him.

As he is mentally ill (probably suffering from a form of psychosis - which I know is not yet indicated in the script), this kind of delusion is not unusual. Being that the premise is that a mentally ill man has a delusion which involves a struggle and ultimately his own death, I don't think this is a bad idea on which to build a story.

Having said that, it is very obviously not clear in the script that any of what I've just explained is how the story should be read. The script will be re-written accordingly.

From my explanation, does the premise of the story now make sense?

My memory isn't like it used to be.  I have no clue what this is even about, as the last post prior to yours is 7 months ago.

Sorry.  Best of luck with the rewrite, though.