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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Jericho Moderators: bert
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  Author    Jericho  (currently 1559 views)
Don
Posted: February 14th, 2013, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Jericho by Will Ball (albinopenguin) - Short - A prostitute takes refuge with a priest amidst a violent storm. 16 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: February 14th, 2013, 11:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Will,

Gave this a quick browse, remember it from the October OWC. Not going to hash on here.

I think you've done a good job overall with the re-write. You've cut down a lot of the exposition, replacing it with a flashback instead which makes it read a lot quicker. I remember it being quite a sluggish read last time with the dialogue slowing it down.

You've also cleaned up the typos and what not, but one still got away from you on the first page (peaks - peeks)

Also, there is a couple of times where the character names repeat themselves when it should be in the same dialogue line. Maybe something to do with your software.

I've think you've changed the ending a little as well? It was a while ago that I read the original.

It's a good story this one, and I can appreciate someone who knows the subject matter that they're dealing with. I also like how you tied it in with Katrina which makes it even more compelling.

Good work.

Steve
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vancety
Posted: February 24th, 2013, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Will,

I also liked the story.

There are only a few writing errors.

Oppinions differ but for me beginning with a CAP are God, the Devil, Satan and the Lord and the (Holy) Bible

Joshua SIGHS.

becomes

Joshua sighs

Flies BUZZ around...

becomes

FLIES BUZZ around...

etc.

(1)
Type all sounds that originate offscreen in all capital letters. This includes everything from a ticking clock to a woman’s scream to a nuclear explosion, no exceptions.

(2)
Type all sound effects that originate onscreen in all capital letters.

(3)
Always capitalize both the thing making the sound and the sound it makes. The GUN FIRES etc.

(4)
Don’t capitalize whatever onscreen sounds character (humans) make; laughing taking, shouting, humming, singing, finger snapping, knocking on doors, crowds applauding etc.
The only exception are babies crying , burping or wailing. These are sound effects because babies don’t perform on cue.

There are several ways to start end and a flashback.
In your case

FLASHBACK TO:

EXT. GRAVEYARD – DAY

Blablabla..

BACK TO PRESENT

Becomes

FLASHBACK - EXT. GRAVEYARD – DAY

Blablabla…
                                             END FLASBACK.

Or...

FLASHBACK - EXT. GRAVEYARD – DAY

Blablabla…

INT. MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT (BACK TO PRESENT)
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vancety
Posted: February 24th, 2013, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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FLASHBACK  and END FLASHBACK is underscored.
And in my own text
"...and end...""  become "...and end...".

"oppinion" becomes "opinion"

Cheers!
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courhaw
Posted: February 27th, 2013, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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to the writer, i lost interest at the line about the man's blacker than black skin. i wasn't bothered as much as confused. why was that description necessary? as with the woman at the door, his speech could have been noted and that would have been fine. unless the point was to set the mood dangerous, i suppose. but that would only play to a small audience of folks who find blacker than black skin forboding. as for the rest of the script. the eye test tells me that the dialogue is overwritten. normally, thick black blocks of words mean just that. so, after all, the mood was darker than dark, but the writing was super lightweight. not a good read for this reader.
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albinopenguin
Posted: February 28th, 2013, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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Hey everyone, I appreciate the read and the tips.

To courhaw, if you read the rest of the script you would realize that Joshua is not from the states. In fact, he's from Africa. I included that bit of description so that if anyone were to cast for the part, they would know that your typical brown skinned African American actor wouldn't work. As for the rest of your comments, you didn't read the script so they don't hold much weight. Plenty of scripts would seem "over written" just by eyeballing them.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not taking your critiques seriously since you just scanned the script.

To the other two readers, I really appreciate your reads/comments and will make note of them in future edits. Thanks!


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Eoin
Posted: February 28th, 2013, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from albinopenguin
Hey everyone, I appreciate the read and the tips.

To courhaw, if you read the rest of the script you would realize that Joshua is not from the states. In fact, he's from Africa. I included that bit of description so that if anyone were to cast for the part, they would know that your typical brown skinned African American actor wouldn't work. As for the rest of your comments, you didn't read the script so they don't hold much weight. Plenty of scripts would seem "over written" just by eyeballing them.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not taking your critiques seriously since you just scanned the script.

To the other two readers, I really appreciate your reads/comments and will make note of them in future edits. Thanks!


I wouldn't take too much stock in those comments - if you read the last script 'reviewed' by this member, race and colour description was also an issue to which exception was taken.

Eoin


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Toby_E
Posted: February 28th, 2013, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Will,

I really liked the concept of this one. You don't read too many shorts which are biblical in nature, so that was a nice welcome surprise. I also really liked the whole Hurricane Katrina end to the story as well.

The beginning of your script really reminded me of an excellent book by Dave Eggers called What is the What. Both have an African protag, who lives in a shitty neighborhood of the States, and gets attacked and tied up in his home, after acting as a good Samaritan, and letting an unpleasant black woman into his home.

Now whilst I liked the concept, I did have a few minor issues with it. Firstly, why does Ababuo want to find the inyanga so badly? Sure, he saved her life, but you never really explain what she still wants with him.

I also had an issue with the ending, as you introduce this major external threat on the final few pages, but then leave it too unresolved for my liking. What happens to Joshua and Ababuo? At the minute, Joshua gets away scot-free. I'd like there to be some kind of poetic justice; maybe he meets his comeuppance/ demise as a direct result of the flood.

I found quite a bit of the dialogue to be stilted, slightly unnatural sounding. And also, wouldn't Ababuo have had the same thick Nigerian accent as Joshua? So then wouldn't Joshua have spotted her as lying when she says she was born-and-bred in New Orleans?


Below are some notes I made whilst I was reading:

Page 2- I know Ababuo did have to convince Joshua to let her in, but I would have extended the conflict for at least one more exchange. I felt that Joshua gave in slightly too easily.

Page 2- Where does Joshua enter the room from? The bathroom? Or outside? Where did he get the coffee and mugs from?

Page 4- Joshua has a two parts of dialogue underneath each other (the "I made a commitment to the Lord" and then the "What about you" lines).

Page 5- And now the coffee machine is in the room.

Page 12- "Ababuo storms over to Joshua and holds the glass to his throat." What is the glass, and where did she get it from? I mean, is it a shard of glass, or, like, a drinks-glass?

Bottom of page 13- Ababuo's dialogue isn't continued. I know, minor grammatical error.

Page 14- And now the glass has turned into a rusty blade?


But yeah, as I said, I liked this one. Very cool concept. With a few changes, you could definitely have a very nice little script on your hands

Well done.

Toby.


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JimElder
Posted: March 5th, 2013, 1:47am Report to Moderator
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G'day Will,
Good story, the dialog started out a bit Shakespearian, I visualized an African township while reading but a nice twist at the end with New Orleans.

Regards

Aussie Jim.
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ColinField
Posted: March 5th, 2013, 2:52am Report to Moderator
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Hey Will,

Really, really dug this script. The story was interesting and well thought out. The two characters had great depth and interesting exchanges. Most scripts you read on here are in need of major notes to make them even resemble drama. However, I think  you have all the ingredients for a fine script; I merely have a few notes that I think can make it even better IMO. Firstly,

The dialogue. I think the opening dialogue could use some tweaking, nothing to drastic, but just something to make it sound more natural. For example,

Pg 1. Ababuo “Please sir, may I come inside?”
I can’t see someone saying that as their very first words to a stranger. It might work better if she complained about the rain or the cold, something tangible that she would think (even though she’s playing him anyway) might convince Joshua to let her enter.

Pg. 2 Joshua “Okay. Okay. But you cannot stay here over night.”
I’m not really sure anyone would just come out and say that right there. It doesn’t seem consistent with the flow of dialogue.

Pg. 3 Ababuo “I mean, what are you reading specifically, within the bible?”
I, and most of the world, have never actually read the bible, so I would probably never ask that question just because I don’t really know anything about the structural make up of the bible. But I think just her asking that question insinuates that she does in fact know something about the bible. So I think you could probably have her be more specific even and use jargon associated with the structural make up of the bible. “What book are you reading?” “What passage?” Something like that. Or you could even have Joshua, him sensing Ababuo’s interest, come out and just say what he’s specifically reading. I know this is a small thing but it just adds something to the characters.  

As far as the story goes, I really don’t have much to say. It was pretty darn good. I especially liked the twist at the end when we find out it’s New Orleans. Which makes so much damn sense, but I still didn’t see it coming at all, and made me feel stupid. However I like when scripts make me feel stupid, all it means is that the writer is working hard!
The only thing I did have a little problem with was right in the beginning, when Joshua let Ababuo into the room. This is probably the toughest part of the script to write because it is the most unfathomable. But it really is the most important part of the script so I think it’s crucial to get it perfect. As someone mentioned before, the exchange could definitely be a little longer, as I feel Joshua conceded fairly easily. However that’s not my only problem with it. I find it hard to believe that Joshua would let her in at all. There should be some underlying sinister reason why he lets her in. Such as, Joshua really uses religion as a veil and catalyst to mask his underlying sadistic impulses. He could say something like “I see the devil is inside of you child.” Something that would connect to the first flashback sequence. Make it seem like he really gets off on hurting the “exorcism patients” and he just can't help the impulse to invite her in.

Overall, great script. One of the best I’ve read on here in a while. Keep it up.

-Colin
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WesMiller
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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Good job. Interesting story. I would echo about the dialog. Always look for ways to say it without saying it directly. I'm still learning that art. Also, personally, I wanted to feel a little more for Ababuo. I would substitute some of the dialog to show more of her in the flashback so we can really FEEL the righteousness of her vengeance. I write with a faith based world view so I appreciated the Jericho metaphor without it coming across preachy. good job.

Wes
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Colkurtz8
Posted: April 5th, 2013, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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Will

This was a solid piece. I presume it was intended for the OWC challenge some time back but didn’t make the page count?

ABABUO
Motherfucker! Why did you do it?

- “Motherfu?ker” feel a little out of place, maybe because there has been no swearing until now.

In essence it’s your straightforward revenge story. A seemingly chance meeting between a man and woman before its revealed that man wronged woman in the past and she is here to exact revenge where said grievances are commonly told via flashback.

However, you give this a couple of extra dynamics that separate and elevate from the usual tale of vengeance. I liked the religious element, the blind unwavering and sheer arrogant faith of Joshua in the face of certain death. The white/black magic dimension added a further twist to events, tying things up nicely with the title of the story along with the raging storm outside.

I couldn’t help questioning though if a man of such strong faith like Joshua would resort to witchcraft, as he calls it, in order to carry out God’s work? Is this not blasphemy of the highest degree?

Also, the name drop of New Orleans was a clever touch at the end, relating the story to an actual event thus giving the climax more weight.

Col.


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Dustin
Posted: April 7th, 2013, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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NOTES ON Jericho

Page 7
A YOUNGER JOSHUA (40’s) lurks towards Mogo.

Consider rewording the above sentence. 'Lurks' is not a good choice.


Over all the story went as expected once I'd started reading it... however your logline could do with some work. It's a revenge story... always a favourite of mine. Close to a back from the dead version, but not quite so as she was still alive. Cleverly done. You have a good imagination and have put thought into placing your own little twist on it. Nice work.


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