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Quality Control by Ammar Salmi (realxwriter) - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A clone has to prove to an observer that he deserves a second chance in order to avoid incineration. 6 pages - pdf, format
This was pretty good. Description was very well written. The dialogue was decent too, though it threw me off a bit when Clone said "dude".
I really rooted for Clone/Leo. Part of that was because your villain David was such an ass. My only suggestion, maybe show David's face? Once or twice would suffice. And especially when he is arrested. I so badly wanted to see his face when he was arrested.
I would change up the names only twice, three times makes it confusing - start off the "Clone 36" Right off the bat, X the "Man" title.
I felt like we were going back and forth between two locations, the white room and the surveillance room (particularly a CU on the monitor) I think this should be clear, otherwise I don't understand how the red circle thing works, along with the chart overlay, etc.
Other than that, and couple other minor things, not a bad little story. Seems easy enough to shoot.
Words of appreciation fail me. I thank you all for your kind comments and reviews. I always knew simplyscript was a great spot for screenwriters, but only now I knew how great it really is.
I know it's a give and take community. I promise to give as much reviews for others work as I get for mine.
It was meant as found footage script, this is why I wanted to stick to one camera.
As for the data overlay, I guess it was recorded along with the video feed like time and date stamp in video cameras.
Yeah, I have to admit. Not too bad at all. A crisp read. I cared as much for MAN/CLONE 36/LEO as much anybody else, and I'm not one to like people with aliases too much. I'd simply call him CLONE 36 from the start, and then CLONE 36/LEO later.
I do agree the exchange would work better if it was intercut with where ever David is. The red/green thing would make more sense and it'd be nice to see David get his just desserts.
Good job, and welcome to SimplyScripts Ammar. I hope to see you around.