Gavin

Page by page notes

“Beads of condensation trickle down the cold,
stale walls.”

- Sh?t, that is hot!

“Beads of condensation trickle down the cold,
stale walls.”

- Great description.

“Her big BABY BLUE eyes, alive with curiosity, scan the diner
and it’s customers, a mix of elderly couples enjoying some
nostalgia and lone-wolfs passing through.”

Some might say it’s overwritten but I like it. The quality of writing entitles it to ramble a bit, enriches the read.

“She see’s”

- No apostrophe needed.

No harm to include the location for each sequence along with the SUPER: and FADE IN:

At the bottom of page three and I’m really digging what you’re doing here, the mood, tension and sense of location are so vivid and tangible. The writing may be a tad lavish at times though but its well written. Great ice cool dialogue between the two leads really fits the tone set up by the wordless first two pages.

There’s an almost dream-like, idealised quality to it, as if recalled through memory…as a result I’m expecting something tragic any minute But either way, I’m intrigued by the broiling sexual tension between them and the nature of their journey.

I’m thinking Badlands is an influence? If not, then True Romance, which of course pays homage to Badlands in its theme tune.

BRETT
I dunno, but I do know, without you
I wouldn’t be free... I’d be a
caged animal.

- The “caged animal” part reads a bit hammy, in my opinion.

TAMMY
I wouldn’t mind driving from here
to there so much if we could
explore the possibility of actually
seeing some sights along the way.

- This doesn’t read naturally, too floral. Could be cut down to:

TAMMY
I wouldn’t mind driving from here
to there so much if we could actually
see some sights along the way.

I was anticipating it to be a Badlands type tale and the Delivery Man’s scene reinforces this. I wonder is there a more subtle way to drop hints? The Delivery Man’s flicker of recognition is a big giveaway.

I’m not sure about the effectiveness of the ending. While it didn’t go the Badlands way I assumed, the cannibalism reveal seems so left out of field it was greeted with more of a perplexed “What?” then a satisfied, surprised one, if you know what I mean? It jars as too random to land any impact.

Also, I’m unsure about what the inclusion of the journal really achieves. I mean, do you want us to sympathise with Brett? Was this an attempt to humanise him? If so, I don’t think it works, I didn’t feel much for him, primarily because of his gruesome, depraved crimes.

This made me lose faith in Tammy too who seems relatively unfazed by the news, outside of loss over Brett leaving her, as indicated by her readiness to read said journal.

Having said that and to your credit, you do squeeze a lot into their brief but passionate relationship, great use of environment and visuals to depict the eloping young lovers journey into the uncertain and I did care about them for two thirds of the story but by the closing CUT TO BLACK: you had lost me due to some, I feel, misjudged character revelations.

Best of luck

Col.

Hi Col, thanks for the read and the comments.
Im really glad you got what i was trying to achieve here, mainly set a tone with my slightly over written action lines. Badlands crossed my mind more than once

I wanted to keep dialogue to a minimum and was very happy with what i got on the page although having read over that line of Tammys I can agree it doesn't read great.

yes, the ending is far from perfect. I did want something kinda out there but I fully agree that i didn't deliver. Like I said before I tried to hint at his possible cannibalism in the first draft but decided to omit those lines.

I did try to make the reader care about both characters, they are human beings after all. He's on the run from the police for SUSPECTED crimes and the diary is actually HIS side of the story, so in leaving it with her he hopes she will try to make up her own mind. i think in the right directors hands this would make a really great short, but I'm not a director

thanks again Col. Really appreciate your input.
-Gavin

Quoted from Gaviano He's on the run from the police for SUSPECTED crimes and the diary is actually HIS side of the story, so in leaving it with her he hopes she will try to make up her own mind.

- Yes but authorities wouldn't accuse someone of eating human beings...! without being fairly certain. They must have pretty solid evidence.

Or are you saying that Brett may be completely innocent? That he was somehow framed for a crime of this nature?

Yeah, my idea was that he wasn't the cannibal but that doesn't mean he is completely innocent. He was somehow involved in a crime that lead to cannibalism and for whatever reasons he was the one man who took the fall.

i really just wanted Tammys initial reaction (same as the readers) then I wanted it to end with a doubt in everybody's mind. I actually deleted a few lines of VO at the end from his journal which would indicate that he wants to clear his name but for some reason I didnt like that. Perhaps I should've cleared it up a bit better but I like the not knowing element to it lol

Hoo-ha. I got a kick out of this. Definitely a "punch in the gut" ending. Prose is too flowery though as others have stated. Other than that, pretty darn good.

Thanks for the read Silverback, glad you enjoyed it!
-Gavin