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Rough Draft by Eric Wall (EWall433) - Short, Comedy - A struggling writer enters the world of his screenplay in order to complete a seemingly impossible mission; make his protagonist interesting. 17 pages - pdf, format
I'm a fan of your work. I enjoyed the OWC you wrote a few months back. I'm pressed for time at the moment but I'll get a chance to read the script later tonight and give a review tomorrow.
Highly entertaining. Humorous throughout. The writing was top notch. One little error I found was "A cat MEWS" (meows).
------Spoilers------
I liked the idea of the writer taking over John's life. It reminded me of John Cusacks movie One Crazy Summer where's he a cartoonist trying to convince his drawing to talk to the pretty girl. Instead in your story you actually have the writter walking around with his protag. It works but in a way the writer comes off like he's God with all of his powers. I was waiting to see if they both would walk over water. lol. Not much else to say but that it was a fast, smooth read. Loved it all the way through and would love to see it filmed one day.
I have to echo Silverback's fav part and mine too.
I really enjoyed this. It's not often that I read a script that makes me laugh out loud, but this one got me several times. You really know how to write comedy.
Anyways, the only faults I see are really just personal nitpicks. The "make it rain" joke immediately made me think of the Writer throwing money at John, so it might be worth it to cut directly to that joke instead of including the "water, snow" thing. But that's really just personal preference.
I also love the Chekhov's gun thing and the save the cat reference (although audiences probably wouldn't pick up on the latter, but that joke's not for them anyways ). As others have said, the meth thing is great.
I'm not really high on screenplays about screenplays, but this was fun. I liked the tongue and cheek humor. Had a "Stranger than Fiction" kind of dynamic. The dialogue was really snappy. I feel like, though, that this would be best appreciated by other writers, particularly screenwriters. A lot of the tongue and cheek jokes would go over the heads of pretty much anybody else outside of writers and people somewhat involved in the film industry... but, it's still fun nevertheless. Good writing. Breezed right through it.
Didn't really notice too many typos outside of the "your" that should have been "you're" on page 1.
The only other thing... the writer is very present in the story... did he write himself in as the antagonist? And if he is the antagonist (John the protag), shouldn't John be moving the story along more? Writer seems to be the one moving the story along...
I'm probably looking too deep into it... nevertheless, it was a unique, fun little story.
Just wanted to pop in and thank you guys for the reads. It's late here and my wedding anniversary is tomorrow so I won't be on the computer much (if I know what's good for me). I'll leave something more thorough on Wednesday.
In the meantime feel free to PM me if there is anything specific anyone would like looked at in reciprocation.
It works but in a way the writer comes off like he's God with all of his powers.
I debated with myself a bit over how much detail to explore regarding Writer’s powers. For instance, how come he directly takes control over Ben and the Girl, but plays hands off with John. The deeper I got into it, the more it did indeed start sounding like a “God debate”, so I backed off and decided to file it under ‘suspension of disbelief' for now. I figured the audience would rather grant me that, than suffer through my ludicrous attempts to explain it.
Quoted from Gage
The "make it rain" joke immediately made me think of the Writer throwing money at John, so it might be worth it to cut directly to that joke instead of including the "water, snow" thing.
Hey Gage, thanks for the read. Glad you enjoyed it. The “make it rain” line actually struck me the same way, but I thought it was just me being weird and ignored it. I adjusted the phrasing, but kept the sequence as I think it falls under the comedy Rule of Three.
I feel like, though, that this would be best appreciated by other writers, particularly screenwriters. A lot of the tongue and cheek jokes would go over the heads of pretty much anybody else outside of writers and people somewhat involved in the film industry...
I did consider this and sat on the idea for a little while, but it was like an earworm. It came to me pretty fully conceived and wouldn’t go away until I wrote it.
The only other thing... the writer is very present in the story... did he write himself in as the antagonist? And if he is the antagonist (John the protag), shouldn't John be moving the story along more? Writer seems to be the one moving the story along...
I think an antagonist driven story is acceptable to a degree (I’m discovering that it seems very prominent in slasher/horror in particular). I think it would be a hard thing to correct in this case. The main conflict between Writer and John stems from his passiveness. That could also be called John’s character flaw and in order to be a proper arc, it can’t be fully realized (John made active) until the very end.
I think this kind of thing is bound to happen when you decide to make your entire premise an ironic dig at character development.
Quoted from AsfarasSiam
Very entertaining. Funny, clever, and suspenseful...Pow!
As well, I just wanted to chime in and rebel against some of the other posts stating that; any type of reference to screen writing material (Save the Cat), may have pushed the true creative aspect (of the script) out of reach for those less advised.
Thanks for the read AsfarasSiam. Continuing on with the “is this too much a writer’s script” debate, some of that is accounted for by making John unfamiliar with screenwriting rules. Most of the stuff a general audience isn’t aware of is explained to them by having Writer explain it to John first. I definitely wanted to define the terms. Hopefully this would be a situation where it’s humorous enough for a general audience, with a little something extra for writers (although I’ll concede that a couple of these jokes might only work on the page).
Quoted from J.S.
Humor was a tad cheesy for my taste, but overall it was good nonetheless. It kept my interest.
Hey JS, thanks for reading. Humor can be a subjective thing, for sure, and at the end of the day I’m not sure I’d be capable of writing toward a sense of humor not my own. That being said I’d still welcome any examples of jokes you may have thought over the top. I don’t want to be adverse to subtlety if I can help it.
Anyway, thanks again to everyone for the feedback. It's much appreciated. -Eric
Good stuff there, I liked the two different worlds combined, it was kind of like instructions on how to write a script and a good story at the same time. It also helped me with the get to like the character bit about the cat. So thanks for that
warily not wearily... unless he is actually tired.
If the writer really wanted the protag to save the cat, why didn't he write a distressed cat rather than one that looks comfortable? Maybe the protag is afraid of heights or something?
I think to be produced it may be prudent to cut the busy scene at the beginning of the script. The street performers etc, could come in expensive.
Aside from that, I really enjoyed this story. Very inventive and works well.
As I read it and I’ve not looked at the other comments first:
You had me at the tagline, I was interested straight away.
I smiled at the Cyclist’s comment about the hot pink bike.
Lol – John’s playing Candy Crush!
And then after that I kinda zoned out and got lost in the story. Before I knew it I was at the end and wanted more. Sorry! I loved it!
Sure I could be picky and say if the writer was writing the story he could control John rather than trying to ‘persuade’ him to do things but it was all symbolic, more of a metaphysical representation of a screenwriters struggles.
I do want more and think this could be expanded. John’s journey with the Writer could be longer and encompass more Screenplay angst lol but also afterwards. I was curious if you would explore what happens after the screenplay has finished or been deleted. Where do all the deleted screenplays go? An interesting concept.
Great story, great script – really enjoyed it.
Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Checked this out based on the feedback. I'm not a big fan of meta or scripts about screenwriting but I figured I'd take the chance of being won over.
I wasn't, unfortunately. Similarly to J.S., I found the jokes too cute and obvious. Even cliche. I thought the overall idea of writers relying on contrivances was interesting but the script never reached as far as I thought it should in that direction. The gag with Ben's motivation being meth came close but didn't quite hit the mark.
I also thought the Writer was an idiot. I know that was sort of the point but I couldn't get in on the fun.
This has nothing to do with the writing BTW. For 17 pages, it was pretty breezy and the way the story played out worked for what it was supposed to be. The script simply wasn't my thing and honestly, I feel like it's been done before. I found very few surprises along the way.
I considered not posting a review of any kind because my issues are strictly a matter of taste. I opted to post something because as it happens, I DID like the gag with the pink wire and the fact that the Writer couldn't write women. Thought those were pretty sharp actually. The pink wire actually had a good setup and some significance in the story and the lack of good (even decent) female characters is a rampant issue in mainstream films at present. I would've liked to have seen more of this caliber.
Hey Eric, I wasn't sure if I was going to like this as I'm not normally a fan of meta concepts (I usually find that they're a lot less clever than the writers think they are), but decided to give this a shot based on your log line... And I'm glad I did!
I really liked this - it was very well written, a really quick read and had a lot of snappy dialogue. I especially liked the way that you incorporated funny nods to numerous screenwriting tropes.
As always, comedy is subjective and while I didn't particularly laugh out loud at anything in your script, I did have a smile on my face the whole time while I was reading it, so mission accomplished!
Good stuff there, I liked the two different worlds combined, it was kind of like instructions on how to write a script and a good story at the same time. It also helped me with the get to like the character bit about the cat.
Hey Athol. Thanks for the read and I’m glad you got something out of it. A lot of this stemmed from my own attempts at digesting these ‘rules’.
Quoted from Levy
If you have anything else you're working on, I wouldn't mind checking it out.
I’ve got some shorts from the last two OWCs hiding down there. Decent enough considering the time frame I think, but neither is comedy.
I should be starting work on a horror feature soon, as well. I’ve outlined the heck out of it and wrote this short, in part, so I could take a step back and have one last ‘clean’ look at it before typing FADE IN.
Quoted from DustinBowcott
If the writer really wanted the protag to save the cat, why didn't he write a distressed cat rather than one that looks comfortable? Maybe the protag is afraid of heights or something?
I think to be produced it may be prudent to cut the busy scene at the beginning of the script. The street performers etc, could come in expensive.
Hey Dustin. Thanks for the read and pointing out some typos. No matter how many times I go over it my brain always insists on putting in what’s supposed to be written rather then what is.
As for the question about the writer, the cheap answer is I thought it was funnier that way. The slightly more thought out answer is, I wanted to show Writer misusing a lot of these tropes and stumbling on the execution of them. In this case, by failing to show the cat in actual distress, he effectively goads his protagonist into pestering a defenseless animal.
In regards to the cost, I pretty much considered the budget blown at “blast-stricken building” and “MASSIVE TSUNAMI”. There may be a budget conscious version of this story, but it’d take some digging. Part of the original charm, for me, was how extreme and outlandish the threats get as writer tries to force John forward.
Sure I could be picky and say if the writer was writing the story he could control John rather than trying to ‘persuade’ him to do things but it was all symbolic, more of a metaphysical representation of a screenwriters struggles.
Agreed. As much as it seems like we, as writers, should be able to force our characters to do whatever we need them to, there are many times where they push back. That issue, as well as my own guilt over creating characters I like, only to torture them, were the main source of inspiration for this.
As for expanded… idk, Second Draft? We’ll see what my future writing struggles bring me.
Hey J.S.,
Yeah I see what you’re getting at with some of those lines. The “bike” line, “next best thing” and the “a-holes” line were all ones I wrote and re-wrote and tried to re-work the context. I’m sure I could rework it further to try to find the sweet spot.
Quoted from J.S.
"Are you going to hurt me?"
This I thought was premature since he doesn't know he's a writer of his world yet.
This was supposed to be prompted by Writer coming off as loony. If someone came up to me on the street and started interacting with me the way Writer does, I’d be backing away smiling. I simply had John vocalize that fear.
Quoted from J.S.
"Yeah, that’s good. Just like that."
This makes him sound like he's getting off on it.
Well… not sexually, but in a sense he is pleased with his work here. Truth is there’s probably about a dozen different ways that could come off based on how an actor reads it. In my head I’d heard it as either something pointed and exacting, like a hunter lining up a kill shot; or dismissive, like someone preparing to move on to the next thing.
As for the Candy Crush line, well I just like that one. Of course it’ll probably be dated in a few months time and I’d have to change it anyway, so that joke will kill itself.
Quoted from James McClung
Checked this out based on the feedback. I'm not a big fan of meta or scripts about screenwriting but I figured I'd take the chance of being won over.
I wasn't, unfortunately.
Hey James, thanks for reading and thanks for posting your thoughts, regardless of your enjoyment. This is probably as good a place as any to confess that this is my first foray into comedy, and it’s not a genre I ever thought myself capable of writing in. Even though I’ve enjoyed allowing my characters in other genres to have a sense of humor, actually having an entire script be dependent on that humor is a whole different beast. I also don’t tend to think of concepts that would support persistent comedy.
When this idea came to me I thought, “Yeah, I can get a dozen pages of humor out of that.” There were some opportunities to say something deeper, but every time my brain headed down that road I felt my sense of humor getting left behind. So I decided to keep it light and accessible, even going so far as to eliminate a few instances of swearing that I thought were ultimately useless.
Quoted from James McClung
I also thought the Writer was an idiot.
I’ll step up a bit in his defense. First, I left in some aggravating factors (a lack of outline, a deadline) so it wasn’t all down to ineptitude. Second, I’ve seen a fair amount of writers defend things that are achingly inconsistent in their plots. I think one of the main reasons for this is we can be too content to say, “It’s not real, it doesn’t all have to make sense”. When it’s just words on a screen that can seem reasonable, but if those inconsistencies were written into our own lives, it would quickly become clear how blatantly absurd they are. Writer just has the misfortune of being judged in the latter context rather than the former.
Quoted from James McClung
This has nothing to do with the writing BTW. For 17 pages, it was pretty breezy and the way the story played out worked for what it was supposed to be.
Thanks. I’ll take that complement how ever I can get it
As always, comedy is subjective and while I didn't particularly laugh out loud at anything in your script, I did have a smile on my face the whole time while I was reading it, so mission accomplished!
Hey Steve! That’s good enough for me Glad you enjoyed it.
Thanks again to all who read and chimed in here! 22 hours to Christmas now. Save me Jebus!
This was supposed to be prompted by Writer coming off as loony. If someone came up to me on the street and started interacting with me the way Writer does, I’d be backing away smiling. I simply had John vocalize that fear.
I tried to read it that way, as you're suggesting but I can't quite imagine it working. I would assume if someone told me they're the creator of everything around me, my reaction would be, as I walk away, "Okay, man. Good luck with that." I assumed it was suppose to be a funny line because naturally a writer has the capability to hurt his/her characters. And that's what I thought it was suppose to be referring to. Now I see I completely misunderstood that.
Quoted from EWall433
Well… not sexually, but in a sense he is pleased with his work here. Truth is there’s probably about a dozen different ways that could come off based on how an actor reads it. In my head I’d heard it as either something pointed and exacting, like a hunter lining up a kill shot; or dismissive, like someone preparing to move on to the next thing.
Sexually or not, its pretty sadistic as you have it. I laughed though.
I don't get your analogy of "a hunter lining up a kill shot". Like, I'm laughing about this now, but I mean, like he's basically saying, "Headshot!" ? I wouldn't know what the hell it meant but I like it.
Hey James, thanks for reading and thanks for posting your thoughts, regardless of your enjoyment. This is probably as good a place as any to confess that this is my first foray into comedy, and it’s not a genre I ever thought myself capable of writing in. Even though I’ve enjoyed allowing my characters in other genres to have a sense of humor, actually having an entire script be dependent on that humor is a whole different beast. I also don’t tend to think of concepts that would support persistent comedy.
When this idea came to me I thought, “Yeah, I can get a dozen pages of humor out of that.” There were some opportunities to say something deeper, but every time my brain headed down that road I felt my sense of humor getting left behind. So I decided to keep it light and accessible, even going so far as to eliminate a few instances of swearing that I thought were ultimately useless.
Understandable. I've dabbled in comedy myself. It's not easy by any means, especially when you have to find the right balance between the humor and all the regular elements of a screenplay (plot, character development, etc).
I’ll step up a bit in his defense. First, I left in some aggravating factors (a lack of outline, a deadline) so it wasn’t all down to ineptitude. Second, I’ve seen a fair amount of writers defend things that are achingly inconsistent in their plots. I think one of the main reasons for this is we can be too content to say, “It’s not real, it doesn’t all have to make sense”. When it’s just words on a screen that can seem reasonable, but if those inconsistencies were written into our own lives, it would quickly become clear how blatantly absurd they are. Writer just has the misfortune of being judged in the latter context rather than the former.
I get what you're saying. I guess I just didn't see things that way. The lack of an outline I thought was supposed to be an example of ineptitude.
As for the deadline, I think the context and the way that particular line was delivered made me not take it very seriously. Plus a deadline could be anything. I didn't get the sense that this one was particularly tight. More that the writer was just falling back on cheap devices.
As for writers defending inconsistencies in their own scripts, this is true. I'm sure I've done it myself before. It's hard to face the truth sometimes. Nevertheless, it's not a trait I think makes writers endearing by any means.
It's a fair defense nevertheless. Again, you can chalk this all up to me not being a fan of screenwriting meta.
What else can I say that hasn't already been said? Great job. Has a "Truman Show" feel to it. I assume Blake Snyder's screenwriting book "Save the Cat" is intentionally referenced, both literally and figuratively. Save the Cat. All is Lost. One typo: page 5 "Embrace it. "its" should be "it's". My only confusion is the very, very end. The girl slaps him and calls him a pig. One would think that she dismisses him. But then they are two lovebirds - living happily ever after? Again, great job.
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Rough Draft
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). As others have said, the meth thing is great.
Fixed.
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