Jordan,

Thanks for the read through and notes. The story started out as practice for improving my scriptwriting in general and morphed into an actual project. The dilemma is how far to polish this one and when to return to my feature-length scripts. Oh, well. It's good to have such a choice than for me to be suffering writer's block or lacking ideas altogether. I've been there before and it isn't fun.

Ian

Here's the revision to the 1st draft. I hesitate to call it a 2nd draft, but the rewrite is so extensive that is effectively what it is. Thanks again to all of you that gave it a read.

Just wanted to say thanks again to everybody for the feedback and here is the result of your suggestions. I had originally written this as an exercise/practice and it turned into something else entirely.

Ian