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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  In Desperation Moderators: bert
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  Author    In Desperation  (currently 2319 views)
Max
Posted: July 31st, 2015, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

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Quoted Text
There's a lot of walking up to going on in this script.. for 5 pages, it's extremely excessive and poor quality writing. Are you sure one of your kids haven't written this and submitted it under your name? Why would the driver need to walk cautiously up to her when he has already crawled up to her in the car?


Do you mean he should use a different verb instead of "walks"?
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Dustin
Posted: July 31st, 2015, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from Max


Do you mean he should use a different verb instead of "walks"?


No... just don't go there at all.

Code

The driver gets out and walks cautiously up to her.

He looks at a small TRINKET on her wrist.



The Driver gets out and notices a small trinket on her wrist.

In the action line before he had already crawled up to her in the car, so wouldn't have any walking to do anyway.


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Max
Posted: July 31st, 2015, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

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Quoted from Dustin


No... just don't go there at all.

Code

The driver gets out and walks cautiously up to her.

He looks at a small TRINKET on her wrist.



The Driver gets out and notices a small trinket on her wrist.

In the action line before he had already crawled up to her in the car, so wouldn't have any walking to do anyway.



Ah, you mean describing walking when he doesn't have to? I get it, yeah.

But if you have to describe movement, a move creative verb would suffice - that's all I'm saying.

Nothing wrong with "walking" or "walks", but if you try and choreograph every piece of movement your character makes it can turn ugly.
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Dustin
Posted: July 31st, 2015, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Yeah. In more general terms, cut straight to the chase or find workarounds.


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Forgive
Posted: July 17th, 2016, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Here's the finished result

https://vimeo.com/160123155

Thanks to Chance for all the work, and thanks to SS for the exposure and you guys for your feedback, always useful always important
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