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In Desperation (currently 3630 views)
Max
Posted: July 31st, 2015, 3:36pm
Man, I’ve seen some stuff
Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.
Location UK
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Quoted Text
There's a lot of walking up to going on in this script.. for 5 pages, it's extremely excessive and poor quality writing. Are you sure one of your kids haven't written this and submitted it under your name? Why would the driver need to walk cautiously up to her when he has already crawled up to her in the car?
Do you mean he should use a different verb instead of "walks"?
Reply: 15 - 19
DustinBowcot
Posted: July 31st, 2015, 3:55pm
Guest User
No... just don't go there at all.
Code
The driver gets out and walks cautiously up to her.
He looks at a small TRINKET on her wrist.
The Driver gets out and notices a small trinket on her wrist. In the action line before he had already crawled up to her in the car, so wouldn't have any walking to do anyway.
Reply: 16 - 19
Max
Posted: July 31st, 2015, 4:03pm
Man, I’ve seen some stuff
Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.
Location UK
Posts 577
Posts Per Day 0.10
Quoted from DustinBowcot
No... just don't go there at all.
Code
The driver gets out and walks cautiously up to her.
He looks at a small TRINKET on her wrist.
The Driver gets out and notices a small trinket on her wrist. In the action line before he had already crawled up to her in the car, so wouldn't have any walking to do anyway.
Ah, you mean describing walking when he doesn't have to? I get it, yeah.
But if you have to describe movement, a move creative verb would suffice - that's all I'm saying.
Nothing wrong with "walking" or "walks", but if you try and choreograph every piece of movement your character makes it can turn ugly.
Reply: 17 - 19
DustinBowcot
Posted: July 31st, 2015, 4:17pm
Guest User
Yeah. In more general terms, cut straight to the chase or find workarounds.
Reply: 18 - 19
Forgive
Posted: July 17th, 2016, 6:27pm
Old Timer
Let The Sky Fall
Location Various, exotic.
Posts 1373
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Here's the finished result
https://vimeo.com/160123155 Thanks to Chance for all the work, and thanks to SS for the exposure and you guys for your feedback, always useful always important
Reply: 19 - 19
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