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If you write a script in your native tongue, isn't there a forum for that as well? How about a service that will translate to English for you? Not belittling your effort in any way but as this is, it can't be receiving too many reads. Maybe you can collaborate with someone willing to rewrite this for you.
I read your script Edwin and I would agree with Tony that it needs quite a lot of tidying up. Also maybe think about adding a bit of humour, light and shade would be good in a story like this. It is a nice story keep at it!
And specifics can't hurt either, especially when you write about drugs. If you're gonna write about drugs, show us the dirty, dark horrors of it, or don't write about it at all.
When you're so "plain" about it like within the first pages here, the reader will check out thinking you don't know jack shit about it.
It's not even that, Tony. All in all, it's just poor writing. Shorts and features like this have popped up over time where the writer just says "does drugs" or "takes drugs" and it feels like it's written by someone who's never taken drugs or even been around it in the first place.
It's not even that, Tony. All in all, it's just poor writing. Shorts and features like this have popped up over time where the writer just says "does drugs" or "takes drugs" and it feels like it's written by someone who's never taken drugs or even been around it in the first place.
Ya, I get what you mean, but hasn't it all been done already... I mean didn't the movie: NEW JACK CITY invent the phrase: SUCKING ON THE GLASS DICK, in reference to doing crack? I mean, how many lines of writing does a writer need to spend on a drug user -- to convey the message that he's destroying himself?
Shorts and features like this have popped up over time where the writer just says "does drugs" or "takes drugs" and it feels like it's written by someone who's never taken drugs or even been around it in the first place.
I write about drugs all the time in a carefree way and I've taken loads. When I was growing we didn't smoke cigarettes, we smoked joints. When we went to a party we didn't just have alcohol, we had cocaine and ecstasy too.
It was nothing. Snorting a line of coke was like drinking a brandy. No dirty, dark horrors whatsoever. The same is true for most people that use drugs. Only a few can't handle it and get addicted. For those it can be horrific, I suppose. But it's certainly not true of all drugs and drug users.
I write about drugs all the time in a carefree way and I've taken loads. When I was growing we didn't smoke cigarettes, we smoked joints. When we went to a party we didn't just have alcohol, we had cocaine and ecstasy too.
It was nothing. Snorting a line of coke was like drinking a brandy. No dirty, dark horrors whatsoever. The same is true for most people that use drugs. Only a few can't handle it and get addicted. For those it can be horrific, I suppose. But it's certainly not true of all drugs and drug users.
I think for you to imply, as stated above, that drug use is no big deal - - would be to ignore reality. If you and your friends had truly zero fallout than you can consider yourself very lucky. I respond to calls every day and usually have to stick a Narcan needle into the thigh of a drug overdose who's foaming at the mouth-- and then watch them sometimes get violent because their high was destroyed. In my Country, tens upon tens of thousands die each year from overdose. Rehab numbers are higher and barely work. If young lives are not destroyed in their prime then lingering heath effects are certain to pursue. I've seen it happen to friends, family and large concentrations of certain communities. I'm sorry, but I don't buy your watered down, hunky dory, nothing to see here patronization of illegal narcotics .
I think for you to imply, as stated above, that drug use is no big deal - - would be to ignore reality. If you and your friends had truly zero fallout than you can consider yourself very lucky. I respond to calls every day and usually have to stick a Narcan needle into the thigh of a drug overdose who's foaming at the mouth-- and then watch them sometimes get violent because their high was destroyed. In my Country, tens upon tens of thousands die each year from overdose. Rehab numbers are higher and barely work. If young lives are not destroyed in their prime then lingering heath effects are certain to pursue. I've seen it happen to friends, family and large concentrations of certain communities. I'm sorry, but I don't buy your watered down, hunky dory, nothing to see here patronization of illegal narcotics .
Why pick on illegal drugs when prescription drugs kill more than all of the illegal drugs combined? Prescription drugs kill more people than road traffic accidents. The only distinction between illegal drugs and those prescribed by a doctor is that more people become addicted and die from prescription drugs. I imagine that all those millions of people killed by pharmaceutical profiteers don't have a very good time of it either. They go to the doctor with one problem, rather than cure it, they exacerbate it and cause even more problems. One tablet for this, another for that, and so on and so on until they're dead.
There are two sides to every coin. There are the people that abuse drugs and there are people that use drugs. Just like people that drink alcohol... another massive, yet legal, killer... some will drink socially and do no harm to their body and then there will be those that die of liver failure through excessive alcohol.
Why pick on illegal drugs when prescription drugs kill more than all of the illegal drugs combined? Prescription drugs kill more people than road traffic accidents. The only distinction between illegal drugs and those prescribed by a doctor is that more people become addicted and die from prescription drugs. I imagine that all those millions of people killed by pharmaceutical profiteers don't have a very good time of it either. They go to the doctor with one problem, rather than cure it, they exacerbate it and cause even more problems. One tablet for this, another for that, and so on and so on until they're dead.
There are two sides to every coin. There are the people that abuse drugs and there are people that use drugs. Just like people that drink alcohol... another massive, yet legal, killer... some will drink socially and do no harm to their body and then there will be those that die of liver failure through excessive alcohol.
That's what you come back with? We know the "other" hazzards you mentioned are bad too -- doesn't justify your poor point.
What you are doing is classic -- it's called "dialing deviancy down." or same as saying, well "that stuff is bad, so is this stuff, while maybe bad, isn't as bad as that other stuff, so you know, why aren't you looking there instead -- you should REALLY focus there instead and leave THIS stuff alone." WRONG!
That's what you come back with? We know the "other" hazzards you mentioned are bad too -- doesn't justify your poor point.
What you are doing is classic -- it's called "dialing deviancy down." or same as saying, well "that stuff is bad, so is this stuff, while maybe bad, isn't as bad as that other stuff, so you know, why aren't you looking there instead -- you should REALLY focus there instead and leave THIS stuff alone." WRONG!
That wasn't actually my point it was yours. I merely told you that prescription drugs are worse. Your point was that illegal drugs are bad and I merely pointed out how much worse prescription drugs are.
Ya, I get what you mean, but hasn't it all been done already... I mean didn't the movie: NEW JACK CITY invent the phrase: SUCKING ON THE GLASS DICK, in reference to doing crack? I mean, how many lines of writing does a writer need to spend on a drug user -- to convey the message that he's destroying himself?
It has nothing to do with "being done already." It has everything to do with just don't be a lazy writer. Introducing a character "sucking on a glass dick" paints a better picture than introducing one who is "taking drugs."
I don’t think a writer should feel a duty to portray a character’s drug use, or alcohol use, or tobacco use with a slant towards moralizing. Especially since this is usually done in a way that is inconsistent with reality. I mean, check out this graph....
I don’t think anyone would say that every character that drinks with his buddies has to discover the destructive nature of alcoholism by the end of the story. There are writers who make their characters smokers just to give them something to do in the scene. To affix the two leading causes of substance related deaths to our characters without a care, but demand that every joint puff and line blow become a dissertation on the destructive nature of substance addiction is inconsistent, and a bit hypocritical.
Besides, if we want to write a story about addiction, then it’s best to acknowledge that addiction doesn’t need to come in chemical form. People can be addicted to gambling, or food, or shopping. Substances obviously have the additional factor of potential chemical dependence, but the root cause of addiction isn’t a substance problem, it’s a personality problem and cultural problem.
Personality in the sense that humans have a tendency to try to mask internal unease with some sort of external stimuli and, upon finding one that works, just keep hitting it over and over. Cultural in the sense that certain behaviours are given legitimacy regardless of the harm they actually do. In the case of the graph above, alcohol, tobacco and prescription drugs are given legitimacy over illegal narcotics, despite being just as harmful, addictive and deadly as some of the most powerful narcotics available.
I do agree however, that simply saying a character “takes drugs” is way too unspecific and would adequately describe someone breathing through an asthma inhaler just as readily as someone with a needle in their arm.
There are plenty of working, sane, reasonable adults that choose not to partake in alcohol and instead choose another habit to occupy themselves with. Gambling can be just as destructive to people's lives as drug abuse.
My point was that there are users and there are abusers. Just like somebody will have a flutter at the bookmakers but not feel the need to spend every penny they have trying to win big, there are people that have a workable heroin habit. I've known guys that work hard, and when they're done.. instead of drinking alcohol like most of the rest of society they choose heroin. Spend £10 a day on it... which is cheaper than going for a drink. For others it's weed. In fact, for most it's weed. In my circle, weed is the drug of choice. Less domestic abuse, with husbands coming home and beating their wives like in the 70s.
It's not all doom and gloom is all I'm saying. There are people that live normal, well functioning lives that are sensible enough to take it or leave it. It's more about education than it is prohibition.
Some people will fall by the wayside, not, in my experience because of the drug, but they were fucked anyway, and then use drug taking as an excuse later down the line.
Judge: Why did you do it, son?
Accused: I was high, your honour. Expensive drug habit.
Blah, blah, blah... they say that in the hope of a lighter sentence. It wasn't me your honour, it was the drugs that made me do it.
I do agree however, that simply saying a character “takes drugs” is way too unspecific and would adequately describe someone breathing through an asthma inhaler just as readily as someone with a needle in their arm.
None of this is really helping this person to write better. You should use a different forum for the drug conversation. Edwin, I agree with the people who had said to use a translator or get someone to rewrite it for you. I couldn't get passed the second page because the grammar was in such bad shape. For what I did read though 'dead by dawn's' points, even if you've never been involved with drugs and know the effects of them you can still find a way to be descriptive. I'm new to this as well and a piece of what I've learned is that research pays off in a big way. I'm not implying do drugs but maybe find someone who has or maybe get permission from a half-way house or something similar to talk to former users. The world surrounding drugs and it's abuse is more than intriguing to most I would assume. Best wishes in your writing. Vinni
...what I've learned is that research pays off in a big way. I'm not implying do drugs but maybe find someone who has or maybe get permission from a half-way house or something similar to talk to former users. The world surrounding drugs and it's abuse is more than intriguing to most I would assume.
Edwin, good advice from Vinni here.
I myself once needed some inside intel on coke addiction for a story and did a cursory search via Google. You won't believe some of the things that come up. I came across a bunch of message boards by and for drug users. All they do is talk about drugs and drug usage. They also give each other advice (safety was one of the main topics) and for this kind of research it was perfect. They spoke in their lingo riddled with all kinds of cool and clever words and phrases that you would, otherwise, never come up with yourself.
Why would you need research advice for coke addiction? Just scroll up, Dusty says it can be done completely safe and common. He and his crew do it leisurely. Just buy some and take it -- completely on his experience. No problem!
In the UK, particularly in the generation me Dustin and I came from, it was/is routine to take drugs.
Cocaine, Ecstasy, MDMA, Speed, Ketamine, LSD, Weed, Heroin legal highs....plant feeder/Methedrone was very popular recently. Mushrooms.
I miss very much my early days when Ecstasy first came on the scene. Clubbing then was incredible..tantamount to a spiritual experience. Beautiful women high as a kite coming up to you and telling you they loved you. Such a feeling of togetherness. The world has never been the same since then!
Of the hundreds of people I know that have taken them only three got into serious problems. Two with cocaine, one with heroin.
It is possible to take them sensibly, and do little damage, imo.
It seems to be the people that take very low quality drugs (ie the poor) that run into the most trouble. Taking drugs that are cut, or aren't even the drug they're supposed to be.
I agree with Dustin...hard drug taking is usually a symptom of inner problems. An escape.
Better to choose spirituality, or writing as an escape...but in this material word we live in not everyone takes that route.
Just consider: how many people drink alcohol or smoke - relative to the numbers of deaths proclaimed here.
Now, imagine same number of people pushing heroin (exemplary), that'd be a relative statitistics then...
( All dark figures, so nothing's documentable anyway of course)
More than that, I also think that they seem to give all the cardio-vascular diseases that "also" result from tobacco, to tobacco only. But such diseases are natural causes of death too. It definitely speeds up a bit, yes, but the graph compares it to an overdose where one almost falls dead.
Just saying statistics always see on things from a certain perspective.
The source of the graph probably tells about the perspective.
Of course the broken English is not a problem for me since I speak the broken English fluently.
"DREAM SEQUENCE: A bright light descends over him and he listens a voice warning him
GOD (V.O) JP my son, stop the crimes and transform your crew."
Absurd up to funny, perhaps a bit blasphemous too.
35.000 rent a month? I don't think you talk about dollars? Where is this story settled? I think that should be clear. Shanytown like a poor district, in Africa I guess. Tell us about the world more.
Why there are bags of food in his house, which he takes with him and gives it to the "marines" later. I don't get it. There are a lot logical problems like that.
In the end, I think you aim for a story about escaping crime and becoming better people; improving social structure within a difficult society and place.
The message is good. Since yet it isn't diverse enough. God tells JP what to do, he follows, and all is good in the end. What is the REAL version of your story and the deepness that can bring your motives to life?
There's a lot more to talk about, Edwin. If you show up, I'm willing to discuss every point I see as discussable. Always interested how Africans tell their own stories about Africa (since I read from your title page you're from Rwanda)
By the way: the taking drug discussion has nothing to do with this play. It was absolutely okay to describe it that short since it's an everyday behavior of the characters and doesn't need to be stylized any further. One has a pipe; another got a joint, one breathes in from a balloon... who cares. Edwin describes blandly that they all dope once more later, it's not a subject he wants to define or focus on.
By the way: the taking drug discussion has nothing to do with this play. It was absolutely okay to describe it that short since it's an everyday behavior of the characters and doesn't need to be stylized any further.
If you write a script in your native tongue, isn't there a forum for that as well? How about a service that will translate to English for you? Not belittling your effort in any way but as this is, it can't be receiving too many reads. Maybe you can collaborate with someone willing to rewrite this for you.
Of course the broken English is not a problem for me since I speak the broken English fluently.
"DREAM SEQUENCE: A bright light descends over him and he listens a voice warning him
GOD (V.O) JP my son, stop the crimes and transform your crew."
Absurd up to funny, perhaps a bit blasphemous too.
35.000 rent a month? I don't think you talk about dollars? Where is this story settled? I think that should be clear. Shanytown like a poor district, in Africa I guess. Tell us about the world more.
Why there are bags of food in his house, which he takes with him and gives it to the "marines" later. I don't get it. There are a lot logical problems like that.
In the end, I think you aim for a story about escaping crime and becoming better people; improving social structure within a difficult society and place.
The message is good. Since yet it isn't diverse enough. God tells JP what to do, he follows, and all is good in the end. What is the REAL version of your story and the deepness that can bring your motives to life?
There's a lot more to talk about, Edwin. If you show up, I'm willing to discuss every point I see as discussable. Always interested how Africans tell their own stories about Africa (since I read from your title page you're from Rwanda)
By the way: the taking drug discussion has nothing to do with this play. It was absolutely okay to describe it that short since it's an everyday behavior of the characters and doesn't need to be stylized any further. One has a pipe; another got a joint, one breathes in from a balloon... who cares. Edwin describes blandly that they all dope once more later, it's not a subject he wants to define or focus on.
Thank you Prussian As I saw your comments regarding my screenplay, that's helpful and that will help me to learn more about screenwriting. Just that is my first screenplay and now I am still writing others, so Thank you
Thank you Prussian As I saw your comments regarding my screenplay, that's helpful and that will help me to learn more about screenwriting. Just that is my first screenplay and now I am still writing others, so Thank you
Cool you found a way to this thread, Edwin.
For a first play this was a strong performance. Especially when it comes to format/presentation. There are a lot of mistakes, still in comparison what curious first attempts are submitted here, you do quite well.
When I wrote my first stuff it was looking hilarious in case of screenplay standard.
Nevertheless, I try to give you some points you can improve the format further on:
- Use a colon after FADE IN:
- Use one space after the period of the Ext./Int. reference and a hyphen after the scene location reference with one space before and after it
e.g. EXT. SHANTYTOWN – STREET - NIGHT
- Don't number scenes; it's production stuff, don't needed at this stage
- When characters appear for the first time on-screen they are capitalized. Each character, no matter how important they are; even animals or ghosts have the status of a character.
e.g ...known as the MARINES.
After that you still capitalize the first letter of the character(s) for the rest of the play.
e.g. ...peace and love to other Marines
That way we can distinguish the characters better.
A second period after V.O.
CONTINUED at page breaks are not required.
FADE OUT. is usually right adjusted.
Then you have marked the dream sequence on page 1:
There are two faults. First you have another time. If you jump forward in time, and cut so to say, just use a new scene heading; or if you stay in same place as here, alternatively you can write a left aligned
LATER
Secondly, don't tell us it's a dream at all. IMO we should explore such stuff as we'd see it on the screen. We'll get what's going on, for sure.
- You left out a lot of periods and disregard capitalization rules. That has to be on point.
A tip concerning style: Don't start each sentence with the character's name. Turn around sentences from time to time. You can also use "He" or "His" some more times; especially when it's clear we're with a specific character.
For example, when JP has dialogue, we Focus on him. If you continue with JP then, you can write He...
You know what I mean? Only when you change the focus to another character you must give us an actual name so that we know "the focus" has changed.
I hope those points are useful for your next scripts. I mentioned many small points above, though indeed, a lot of first scripts appearing on this site look like hieroglyphs. In comparision to those your presentation and basics are very good.
You can ask for further advice anytime. Browse around, participate and you will improve quickly.
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