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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Pain Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 20th, 2015, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Pain by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - Nice girl learns about pain from a bad boy. 6 pages - pdf, format


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stevemiles
Posted: December 20th, 2015, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
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Richard,

Read this a couple of times - feels rushed in places.

‘To one side, in robe, eyes red, Amy watches.’  -- IMO odd sentence structure.  Doesn't lend itself visually.

I’m left wondering what to take from this.  The logline is for a ‘nice girl’ learning about pain.  Though Amy made the decision to cheat on her husband -- in that sense she brought the ‘pain’ into her life by getting rough with bad boy Raff.  When it goes south she murders him -- so not such a nice girl...  I’m not sure what she hoped for.  My guess is a guy who hangs out at needle exchanges and uses the opening line of ‘You’ve got nice tits’ isn’t serious relationship material.  

If anything Amy’s worse than him -- he’s no saint, but my take was she’s pretty much murdered him.

I like the idea of Amy getting revenge in the manner she does, I’m just struggling to take much from either character.  Some sense of moral ‘justice’?  Amy learns about pain -- but I’m not sympathetic.  Poor old dirtbag Raff ends up the one who learns the biggest lesson of all.  

Hope this helps.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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SteveClark
Posted: December 20th, 2015, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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Richard,

Didn't think I was going to like this at first. No clear, likeable person in the script. However, Amy comes close. That's not to say what she did was right by any means. You make your bed, you lay in it. But I just love seeing the arrogant, tough guy get a comeuppance. Just me.

Thought the writing was very good, as usual. Very dark. Good job.

Steve


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eldave1
Posted: December 21st, 2015, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Richard - as usual - well written.

I had a hard time finding someone to root for here - not necessarily a bad thing - just my own idiosyncrasy.

SPOILER

For me, the fact that Amy is cheating on her husband, eliminated empathy for me. She really is no better (maybe even worse) then the guy she infects. I guess I would like her better is a vigilante -  e.g., something like the dude screws with her best friend or sister or something and fucks their life up and then Amy delivers justice.

Anyway - again - solidly written. I just need someone to root for.





My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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RichardR
Posted: January 8th, 2016, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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All,

thanks for the feedback.  To be honest, this was not the story I set out to write.  Sometimes, the characters take over, and what you thought would happen goes out the window.  I had meant Amy to be more sympathetic.  Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way.  Perhaps the next stab at the story will come out closer.  

Best
Richard

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