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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Urban Legends: Bloody Mary Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 10th, 2016, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Urban Legends: Bloody Mary by Dennis Jewell - Short, Horror - This Urban Legends story examines the moments leading up to a little girl's suicide, a little girl that will later be known as Bloody Mary.  8 pages - pdf, format


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 10th, 2016, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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There's a decent gritty edge to the intro sequence that worked for me... a certain economy in the writing that fir the subject - good job.

But the sequence in the school worked less well for me, with elements that I thought were overplayed, e.g. the opening of the locker and getting the paint, could have been condensed to a line or two.

And, whilst the kids are bullies, I don't get them being stupid... so a paint handprint would immeadiately reveal who did it... I'd just lose that bit.

Lastly, and the bit where I think you miss a trick is to establish how this Mary is THE Bloody Mary of legend, I know she kills herself with a mirror but for me I wanted something more solid though.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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RichardR
Posted: January 12th, 2016, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
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Dennis

Some notes.

The opening works for me.  I would like it better if she were a bit more resigned to her plight.  After all, this isn't her first time.  I like that she tries hard to transcend her existence with makeup and hard-scrabble style.  Yet, she knows, knows her life is awful, and there is no escape.

I don't know why you show the first classroom scene.  They're not going to play in the story later.  The classroom antics are the same as the history class.  Why have the first one?

And we get to history class.  I understand how mean some kids can be.  I would like it better if Mary retaliates and is then caught by the teacher who banishes her to the principal's office.  Undeserved and unfair and another burden on our protag.  There is no hope for her, and that leads to the restroom.  I too, think getting the paint takes far too long.  

And I think you might consider the straw that broke the camel's back.  It might be the ruination of her hoodie or the loss of her books or some trifle that means the world to her.  That shows her that she can never escape her life except through a shard of glass.  

best
Richard
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