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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Juggling Sand Moderators: bert
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  Author    Juggling Sand  (currently 893 views)
Posted: January 15th, 2016, 7:31pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Juggling Sand by Andrew Herlan - Short - John kept the others for a while--but they all eventually had to be disposed of. But Amy isnít scared, isnít begging for her life. Maybe sheíll want to stay. But why? - pdf, format

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Posted: January 18th, 2016, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

The beach shot works for me.  Sudden and awful death.

then we meet john which is fine.

And then mom.  It's been mom ever since psycho.  Can you dream up another demon for John?  And do you need to be so obvious with her criticisms?  It little of mom will go a long way.

Showing the treasure chest works for me.  Gives just enough information.

Don't need the garage stuff.  Just put John in the car.

You don't need to show Annie closing up shop.  Just put her on the bench, a pretty girl out on her own with John on the prowl.  Great.

Don't need the details of the trunk.  The little scene on the bench works.  Then, throw her over his shoulder and cut to him carrying her inside the house.  We'll get the rest.

The next little sequence works.  You'll have to invent some way to show that the ghost of victims past has taken possession, something that when we go back we can say...yes, right there.

Her lack of fear works well for me.  It's unexpected and therefore fresh.  

Then, he decides to search her apartment.  for what purpose?  To find a scrapbook he didn't know existed?  I'm a bit confused by this.  I see no logic in John's head.  Lots of risk, little reward.

he comes back to kill her, and lucky day, the doorbell rings.  

The police scene again is derivative, the parking ticket problem.  Got a different reason for them to show up?  

I do like that Annie saves him.  Makes her much more interesting.  What is her angle?

And then we get the  payoff, and it's a good payoff.  It's really his first kill that came back to reclaim her property.  I like it.

I think you can cut a lot out of this one.  And you have to give us a reason why John raids her apartment and takes the scrapbook.  If it's because the stuff in her backpack won't do?  It should be clear.    There are some formatting and writing errors.  A good edit will find and correct those.

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