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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Light in the Water Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Light in the Water  (currently 1184 views)
Don
Posted: January 16th, 2016, 7:36am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Light in the Water by Steven Wood - Short, Mystery, Suspense - During a late night fishing trip, two friends catch morw than they could have ever expected. 10 pages - pdf, format


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cloroxmartini
Posted: January 16th, 2016, 8:25am Report to Moderator
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I'm thinking the kid's fishing line wrapped up another diver and killed him? Didn't work for me.
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Steven
Posted: January 16th, 2016, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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You're right, he was caught and couldn't free himself.

The whole point was that they were afraid of something that wasn't real, if they looked into what it was, they would have saved the guy.
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cbead
Posted: January 17th, 2016, 3:28am Report to Moderator
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Hi Steven. nice twist but to me it became obvious just after the cop boat arrived with the diver looking for his mate. I suppose we all try to preempt the twist a bit, especially if we are writing.

I'm just a newbie so won't bang on about structure and formatting etc, I'm still learning all that.

About the story, I think where the cop blurts out that whole long dialogue about the diver, the GPS and the man overboard etc, all in one chunk seems a bit unrealistic (knowing the cops that I know). Probably more like:

'Have you fellas seen anything strange out here?'   Answer.
'There's possibly a diver who may still be in the water'... etc, etc.

Would break up the dialogue, show the cop is like most cops and usually keeps things close to their chest... need to know basis, and so on. Gives Kyle and Russ a few more shots at some tipsy wisecracks as well, building some more heat between them and the cop.

Cheers
Chris



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Steven
Posted: January 17th, 2016, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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I take influences from the twilight zone, and even then you know the twist during the last few minutes, which is fine by me.
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Wes
Posted: June 30th, 2016, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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So there are a couple of things that don't quite work for me. How did their line get tangled around the diver without Kyle and Russ noticing? The rod apparently doesn't bend until the second diver cuts the dead diver loose?
What does on hundred pound test line have to do with anything? And it seems like overkill for fresh water fishing. I don't get it.
I'm thinking the dead diver had to be dead before he got tangled in their line. Otherwise he would have surfaced . . . ? So Kyle and Russ didn't kill anyone.
I keep anticipating something amazing is gonna happen and it never seems to. At least, not for me.

One thing, on page 7, "Russ pushes down on Kyle's should to sit down;". I'm guessing you wanted the word "shoulder"?


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RichardR
Posted: July 5th, 2016, 10:08am Report to Moderator
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Steven,

Some notes.

I recall reading or hearing about something like this...urban legend?  I can't remember.  In any case, This one doesn't work for me.  I think the opening is a bit longish.  Put them on the boat.  Get them drunk.  Give them the light that they don't quite get.  I don't think anyone could get tangled in the line without them noticing.  Now, they might decide to cut the line at some point which would do no good, but I don't see them not noticing.  And the cop doesn't ring true for me.  But that's me.

Best
Richard
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MarkItZero
Posted: July 9th, 2016, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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You have a good concept. Two drunk kids that let fear and imagination get the better of them and it leads to something awful happening... but like others mentioned it just doesn't work as written. How would a fishing line tangle up a diver and how would they not notice that much weight being pulled?

More importantly, the cop says the diver fell off a boat earlier and never resurfaced. What was he doing underwater that whole time, just floating around for the hell of it? He had to have already been dead (hit his head or something and drowned). Otherwise he would have just swam back to the surface immediately. I know you want a twist but you can't force something that's illogical.

I suggest something like this -- the two kids notice a weird light in the water, it's foggy, they're drunk... the light starts to move and something rocks the boat and freaks them out... one of the kids panics and knocks the other the side (or they both go over) and one (or both) drown.

Then the end is the cop and diver team fishing out a meteorological weather balloon that had fallen out of the sky into the lake and was the cause of the eerie light.



That rug really tied the room together.
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