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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  An Attempt Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 16th, 2016, 7:37am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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An Attempt by Steven Wood - Short, Drama - After learning of his own assassination attempt, he just devise a plan of counter attack. 6 pages - pdf, format


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eldave1
Posted: January 17th, 2016, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steven:

The Log line needs a bit of work - grammar issues.

The dialogue was not great - Too on the nose in some parts and too stereotypical in others. Work on being a little more creative here.

SPOILER ALERT

In terms of the story - not sure I get it. We are familiar with Malcom X, how he died, etc. So if Malcom shoots his own body double at a place where Malcom was not actually shot it means???? Is this meant to be an alternative reality - i.e., kind of like Inglorious Bastards?  

Best of luck - this just wasn't for me.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Steven
Posted: January 17th, 2016, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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Looks like the wrong draft was uploaded. I changed the ending to him just preventing his would be killers from succeeding, and the double just being used as bait.

It ended with Malcolm meeting up with his double and assistant, then escaping. Malcolm suggests to go meet up with MLK and discuss  what he had just done and possibly help him. We all know MLKs eventual fate.

So yea, this is an alternate reality. Think The Watchmen.
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eldave1
Posted: January 17th, 2016, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Steven
Looks like the wrong draft was uploaded. I changed the ending to him just preventing his would be killers from succeeding, and the double just being used as bait.

It ended with Malcolm meeting up with his double and assistant, then escaping. Malcolm suggests to go meet up with MLK and discuss  what he had just done and possibly help him. We all know MLKs eventual fate.

So yea, this is an alternate reality. Think The Watchmen.


That would make a lot more sense.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Steven
Posted: January 17th, 2016, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
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The entire scenario with the would be killers was from reality, but the location was changed to be outdoors to justify the sniper.

Oh well. It is what it is, just something I thought up and wanted to put on paper. Obviously it needs polishing.
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eldave1
Posted: January 17th, 2016, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Steven
The entire scenario with the would be killers was from reality, but the location was changed to be outdoors to justify the sniper.

Oh well. It is what it is, just something I thought up and wanted to put on paper. Obviously it needs polishing.


It does need polish but it is an interesting topic/theme.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Steven
Posted: January 17th, 2016, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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Well thanks. I kind of hurried through it so the idea was still there. I'd like to get the dialogue a bit better and maybe more into the selection process of the double.
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