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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Adversary Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 20th, 2016, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Adversary by Brandon W. Banks - Short - Ira has it hard enough being bullied for wanting to be a dancer, to make matters worse he comes home to his schizophrenic grandfather who watches him sleep at night. 20 pages - pdf, format


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RichardR
Posted: January 21st, 2016, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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Brandon,

Some notes.

I'm no fan of the wake-up-in-the-morning opening.  Takes too long.  

While I like grandpa and the newspaper, this one has problems.  Try to keep your action paragraphs 4 lines or fewer.  You use CAPS when you introduce a character.  

You show IRa on his bike, but is it necessary?  

Grandpa goes off his meds.  Good.  I don't buy the tears.  

Jacob and Leon hassle Ira, but it takes too long.  Just have them shout as Ira goes by.

Justine and the dance studio.  I like it, but I don't know why you show her with everyone.  Maybe I'll find out as we go along.

Another dose of grandpa.  I'm not sure what this scene adds.

you're does not equal your.  Your writing needs work.

We get Justine to ask Ira to be on the team, and this should have come earlier.

Ira has to reclaim his bike.  Where did the knife come from?

And it comes down to Ira being a psycho.  

This one needs some work.  The formatting isn't right.  The writing needs work.  I think you can tell this little story much more quickly.  

best
Richard
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Soham
Posted: May 9th, 2020, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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I read this script and i loved it. I am a writer and director of short films. I have written feature films as well. I have no project going on. I would love to make this. I have producers for this film.

...
Thanks
Soham

** Soham, I've taken the liberty of removing your personal details for privacy reasons.
Have you attempted to contact the writer via his email address?

If you have no luck there, Don (Admin SS) may have an alt contact.
PM Don here:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?v-memberpanel/a-view/u-admin/

All the best!
LC

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LC  -  May 10th, 2020, 2:11am
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Soham
Posted: May 10th, 2020, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Hi, i have emailed Don.
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spesh2k
Posted: May 10th, 2020, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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You could just email the writer -- his email is on the title page.

-- Michael


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