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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Wish Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 14th, 2016, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Wish by Chaseton Ennis - Short, Drama - A white collar worker discovers a new purpose in life. 5 pages - pdf, format


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RegularJohn
Posted: February 14th, 2016, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

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Hey Chaseton.

Your logline is a bit bland.  A little more to go on would be nice.

So after reading your story, I'm just underwhelmed by the whole thing.  So Steven is slaving over a keyboard, waves aside a chance to hang with the guys, investments take a turn for the worst, then a magic scrap of paper grants him three wishes, he wishes for the somewhat obvious.

I hope I'm not sounding too harsh.  It's just that the low point of your story happens so abruptly to a protagonist we barely got to know that we have little to no time to lament his situation before it's made all better by the wish-granting scrap of paper.  Steven is in big trouble with these numbers dropping so I would imagine after a fit of rage and insanity, he's wish for those numbers to bounce back up instead of a Ferrari.

Well I hope this helps.  It's not a bad start, I just wish you would have spent more time with Steven in a hysterical state before the piece of paper came in and saved him.  Good luck

-Johnny


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eldave1
Posted: February 14th, 2016, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quite a few typos - need to clean those up.

But first the story. Not sure it is compelling enough. Basically it's - A desperate man is granted three wishes and uses them to get a car, a billion dollars and world piece.

There is very little there - there. No reason or impetus for the choices he made. Sorry - but this just lacked oomph for me.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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cbead
Posted: February 15th, 2016, 5:37am Report to Moderator
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https://chrisbeadnell.wordpress.com/

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Chase,

As Dave pointed out, fix up those typos, spelling, add the FADE IN/ OUT.

The premise is soft but you do have reasonable writing skills (minus the few typo's and grammar issues). Flow was actually good, dialogue believable, and I'm sure with a bit of work in a few areas you will be able to produce a quality dramatic script.

Good luck.

Chris




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RichardR
Posted: February 15th, 2016, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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Chase

Some notes.

You have some English errors, but nothing you can't clean up.

The problem is the story.  For me, it's a cliche.  Guy going down the tubes gets a boon from source unknown and then makes obvious choices.  No irony, no mistakes, nothing to keep the audience guessing and interested.  It doesn't bob and weave.  It doesn't ride up and down.  Rethink it and see if you can twist this common tale into something different.

Best
Richard
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Chase
Posted: February 15th, 2016, 3:15pm Report to Moderator
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If nothing goes right, go left.

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Hey guys thanks for the review.

All of you had a problem with story and as you can see I'm not the best at creating compelling shorts. This was more of a test to see if my writing was clear and concise. My biggest issues with being a new writer is dealing with grammatical errors. I'm not good at catching grammar mistakes in my writing. If someone can point out one example that would be much appreciated.

RegularJohn - Don't worry you're not sounding too harsh. I need this kind of criticism. The low point of the story happens quickly because I was trying to write the shortest story possible, everything gets right to the point. I see now that I didn't establish enough at first.

eldave1 - Yeah the story overall isn't really much. I just wanted to get my first short out there.

cbead - The FADE IN/ OUT is something that I wasn't sure to put in or not. It just dint feel right for this short. I'm actual relieved that you think I have reasonable writing skills. The whole point of this short was to get feedback on the overall fluidity of the writing. Appreciate hat thanks.

RicardR - If you can point out an English error that would be great.
"Guy going down the tubes gets a boon" I have no idea what that means.
I'll try to add more elements to future projects.


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eldave1
Posted: February 15th, 2016, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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The grammar/format issue I saw mostly fell into two categories.

1. COMMAS


Quoted Text
Yeah I still got some stuff to do for ’Big D’ tomorrow.


There should be a comma after "Yeah"


Quoted Text
Okay good evening Mr. Bushman, I am


Should be a comma after evening. Always have a comma in these instances. e.g., how are you doing, Dave. - Good to see you, John.

2. Written or read material.

You have a ton of instances where something is either written or read. for example:


Quoted Text

He writes the short sentence: I wish I had a Ferrari.


You must do something format wise to distinguish this. There are several options. Here is a link that helps explains them.

https://www.screenwritinggoldm.....ter-is-reading.4745/


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Chase
Posted: February 15th, 2016, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, thanks for that. Clears up a lot.


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RichardR
Posted: February 15th, 2016, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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A bit of dialogue.

Well anyway you should come.
Live a little.

You would probably want a pause in this...'Well, anyway, you should come.  Live a little.'  The actor would probably deliver it that way, but you can be specific.

See, your getting it

See, you're getting it.  your is not you're

Steven lifts his face to see Keven now gone

It's tough to 'see' someone gone.  Make it simple.  'Steven lifts his head.  Kevin's gone.'

A small strip of paper rests where he stood. Steven
confused, stands and looks around. Nobody else in the
office.

In the above paragraph it is not immediately clear who 'he' is, and Steven confused doesn't pass muster.  To rewrite.

A small strip of paper rests where Kevin stood.  Confused, Steven stands and looks around.  He's alone.

The chart and numbers on the screen showing no improvement.

This is not a sentence.  

The chart and numbers on the screen (where else would they be?) show no improvement.

Drop the parenthetical, and you have a sentence.

I could go on, but it's not my job to point out how to make your writing crisper and better.  There are many good writers on this site.  Read their work and study how they structure action description.  For the most part, simpler is better.  Never use two words when one will do, and if you don't know that one word, look it up.  I'm not trying to be mean.  If you wish to be taken seriously, then scrub your work assiduously.  

Guy going down the tubes gets a boon"

A boon is a windfall or a godsend, something unexpected and fortunate.  The paper granting three wishes is a boon.

Best
Richard
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eldave1
Posted: February 15th, 2016, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Chase
Okay, thanks for that. Clears up a lot.


No problem - good luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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