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Your logline is a bit bland. A little more to go on would be nice.
So after reading your story, I'm just underwhelmed by the whole thing. So Steven is slaving over a keyboard, waves aside a chance to hang with the guys, investments take a turn for the worst, then a magic scrap of paper grants him three wishes, he wishes for the somewhat obvious.
I hope I'm not sounding too harsh. It's just that the low point of your story happens so abruptly to a protagonist we barely got to know that we have little to no time to lament his situation before it's made all better by the wish-granting scrap of paper. Steven is in big trouble with these numbers dropping so I would imagine after a fit of rage and insanity, he's wish for those numbers to bounce back up instead of a Ferrari.
Well I hope this helps. It's not a bad start, I just wish you would have spent more time with Steven in a hysterical state before the piece of paper came in and saved him. Good luck
As Dave pointed out, fix up those typos, spelling, add the FADE IN/ OUT.
The premise is soft but you do have reasonable writing skills (minus the few typo's and grammar issues). Flow was actually good, dialogue believable, and I'm sure with a bit of work in a few areas you will be able to produce a quality dramatic script.
You have some English errors, but nothing you can't clean up.
The problem is the story. For me, it's a cliche. Guy going down the tubes gets a boon from source unknown and then makes obvious choices. No irony, no mistakes, nothing to keep the audience guessing and interested. It doesn't bob and weave. It doesn't ride up and down. Rethink it and see if you can twist this common tale into something different.
All of you had a problem with story and as you can see I'm not the best at creating compelling shorts. This was more of a test to see if my writing was clear and concise. My biggest issues with being a new writer is dealing with grammatical errors. I'm not good at catching grammar mistakes in my writing. If someone can point out one example that would be much appreciated.
RegularJohn - Don't worry you're not sounding too harsh. I need this kind of criticism. The low point of the story happens quickly because I was trying to write the shortest story possible, everything gets right to the point. I see now that I didn't establish enough at first.
eldave1 - Yeah the story overall isn't really much. I just wanted to get my first short out there.
cbead - The FADE IN/ OUT is something that I wasn't sure to put in or not. It just dint feel right for this short. I'm actual relieved that you think I have reasonable writing skills. The whole point of this short was to get feedback on the overall fluidity of the writing. Appreciate hat thanks.
RicardR - If you can point out an English error that would be great. "Guy going down the tubes gets a boon" I have no idea what that means. I'll try to add more elements to future projects.
You would probably want a pause in this...'Well, anyway, you should come. Live a little.' The actor would probably deliver it that way, but you can be specific.
See, your getting it
See, you're getting it. your is not you're
Steven lifts his face to see Keven now gone
It's tough to 'see' someone gone. Make it simple. 'Steven lifts his head. Kevin's gone.'
A small strip of paper rests where he stood. Steven confused, stands and looks around. Nobody else in the office.
In the above paragraph it is not immediately clear who 'he' is, and Steven confused doesn't pass muster. To rewrite.
A small strip of paper rests where Kevin stood. Confused, Steven stands and looks around. He's alone.
The chart and numbers on the screen showing no improvement.
This is not a sentence.
The chart and numbers on the screen (where else would they be?) show no improvement.
Drop the parenthetical, and you have a sentence.
I could go on, but it's not my job to point out how to make your writing crisper and better. There are many good writers on this site. Read their work and study how they structure action description. For the most part, simpler is better. Never use two words when one will do, and if you don't know that one word, look it up. I'm not trying to be mean. If you wish to be taken seriously, then scrub your work assiduously.
Guy going down the tubes gets a boon"
A boon is a windfall or a godsend, something unexpected and fortunate. The paper granting three wishes is a boon.