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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Slice of Life Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Slice of Life  (currently 1113 views)
Don
Posted: February 14th, 2016, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Slice of Life by Prahaas Oldman - Short - An account of two Birthdays in the Cavile household. 26 pages - pdf, format


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RichardR
Posted: February 16th, 2016, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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Prahaas,

Some notes.

There are some English mistakes and some typos.  I think you need to keep writing and reading.  Read good writers who can show you how to create better sentences.

Generally, action paragraphs are limited to 4 lines or fewer.  Some of your paragraphs are quite long and beg the reader to skim over them.  Find a way to pare your paragraphs.

As far as story is concerned, this one is all over the map.  You have the birthday party and the father's poetry issues all mixed up.  Toss in the ghost issues and this one becomes confusing.  Concentrate on one story and tell it.

I think that if you read many good scripts on this site, you will learn how good work is structured and written.  

Best
Richard
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