SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 27th, 2021, 9:46am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
The scripts of the November OWC are up!


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Trench Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Trench  (currently 1084 views)
Don
Posted: June 1st, 2016, 6:05am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
15009
Posts Per Day
1.97
The Trench by Chris Beadnell - Short, Drama - After successfully shelling the German trench on the Somme battlefield, the British soldiers move in to clear the area of any enemy survivors. 2 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
eldave1
Posted: June 1st, 2016, 10:08am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6507
Posts Per Day
2.43
What a very cool premise for a short and well done. I liked it. Just a few real nitty comments.


Quoted Text
Ten minutes after the shelling. The air thick with smoke.
German soldiers’ bodies hinder the movement of the British


I would put an "is" in between The and air.
I would go with corpses rather than bodies.

You may want to consider a SUPER after this as many won't know what/where this is. e.g.,

SUPER: THE BATTLE OF SOMMES - GERMANY - 1918


Quoted Text
CARTER
Well, I dare say you’ll perish here
tonight anyway, old son.


This line was inconsistent in terms of tone with Carter's reactions in the descriptions that preceded it.  He's fearful - a bit panicked. The line is just too calm/clever.


Quoted Text
INT. MILITARY HOSPITAL - BEELITZ - DAY


I would add GERMANY after BEELITZ

Again - these are real take it or leave it nit issues. I really like the script. Well done.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 10
cloroxmartini
Posted: June 1st, 2016, 10:37am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
812
Posts Per Day
0.17
Ten minutes after the shelling. The air thick with smoke.
German soldiers’ bodies hinder the movement of the British.

We have no sense of ten minutes. Ten minutes doesn't matter. Write what we see and that is British stepping over dead Germans.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 10
cloroxmartini
Posted: June 1st, 2016, 10:40am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
812
Posts Per Day
0.17
Nice surprise, though. What could have been.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 10
RichardR
Posted: June 1st, 2016, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
899
Posts Per Day
0.35
Chris,

Some notes.

Short and to the point.  Works for what it is.  For me, the dialogue is a bit problematic.  The Brit is OK, but Adolf uses English in the trench and German in the hospital.  One or the other for me because it's not clear that the hospital is German?  Otherwise, this is a nice look back at what might have happened.

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 10
cbead
Posted: June 1st, 2016, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
New


https://chrisbeadnell.wordpress.com/

Location
Sunny Coast. Qld. Australia
Posts
134
Posts Per Day
0.06
Thanks folks for the comments.  I have already re-jigged this a little with Carter being a bit more skitty in his dialogue just before hitting the German.

My goal was to write and edit a one pager as a tool to cut only to the necessary.  There is some loose factual premise to the story, the German was actually injured in an trench shelling in 1916 and spent months recovering.  

The' ten minutes after the shelling' of course is not really filmable but it was to set the atmosphere for a director more than anything else, a short cut to quickly set the scene, as a one page script leaves little room for wordy explanations.  

I appreciate the feedback. It all is very helpful.



Revision History (1 edits)
cbead  -  June 1st, 2016, 11:47pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 10
Dustin
Posted: June 2nd, 2016, 4:28am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5128
Posts Per Day
1.68
This actually happened... in a roundabout way... there's even a painting dedicated to the soldier (Private Henry Tandey) that had Hitler in his sights but didn't shoot because he was wounded.

I find the confusion between the two stories slightly jarring as Hitler wasn't actually taken as a POW. I appreciate artistic license but I'd far rather there was historical accuracy. Not everyone will know that story, so why not put it into a film? Hitler could escape with his life back to the safety of a German hospital and it's only there we discover who he really is. Pretty much what you have now, only it'll be more accurate.

It's a good story though, well written.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 10
SteveClark
Posted: June 19th, 2016, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Can I graduate?

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2688
Posts Per Day
0.83
Chris,

Yes, very well written. Had no issue with the "ten minutes after." I realize you were setting the scene. Just not sure about the "why" with this story, as there's nothing to really bring about any closure with the soldier. The reveal is mainly for us, the reader or viewer, but having something later on to suggest the soldier who butted Hitler later realizes his mistake by perhaps seeing Hitlers face at a rally or something many years later. Then it's like a creepy face palm moment. Anyway, pretty good as is. Just a thought there.

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 10
cbead
Posted: July 5th, 2016, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
New


https://chrisbeadnell.wordpress.com/

Location
Sunny Coast. Qld. Australia
Posts
134
Posts Per Day
0.06
"The Trench" has had a table reading, Winner of the the July 2016 LA Feedback Film Festival, One Page Screenplay Competition

https://lafeedbackfilmfestival.com/2016/07/04/short-screenplay-the-trench-by-chris-beadnell/


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 10
eldave1
Posted: July 5th, 2016, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6507
Posts Per Day
2.43
Nice, dude! That was enjoyable to watch


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 10
Warren
Posted: July 7th, 2016, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3539
Posts Per Day
1.77
Had the script up with the table read in the background.

Great job and congrats.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 10
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006