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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Cure for Loneliness Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Cure for Loneliness  (currently 1261 views)
Don
Posted: June 15th, 2016, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Cure for Loneliness by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - A psychiatrist searches for a way to connect his lonely patients. 8 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  June 16th, 2016, 6:43am
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MarkItZero
Posted: June 15th, 2016, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
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This was really, really great stuff. Few tiny things to consider...

SPOILERS AHEAD!!

Maybe it could be a little clearer Joel is actually unhappy with all the isolation and disconnectedness he sees around him. Maybe just a frown or a shake of the head or something one time. At first I got the sense he was okay with it, or at least indifferent. Although maybe you did this purposely so as not to give away the ending.

Also, maybe the meeting with Tucker could have more of a jarring reveal moment. Right now you kind of ease us into it, although I'm having trouble thinking of a better way exactly.

Finally, not sure Tucker would actually understand Joel's explanation at the end for why he's doing it, given that he's a sociopath and all. Maybe he could respond with "And I thought I was the wack job," and Joel just smiles a self-assured smile back.  



That rug really tied the room together.
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Nathan Hill
Posted: June 16th, 2016, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this. It was smartly written. All the dialogue feels realistic and smart.

Joel's motive is definetly smartly written and built up. Not much to nag about just like Mark said, make it more obvious that Joel is unhappy with all the disconnection in life, show him trying to make conversation and such but getting painfully ignored.

I liked this overall, felt like it made a statement of how it takes awful things in life to bring us all together. I think it definetly is significant in today's society with people being brought together through 'solidarity' movements and such in these terrorist attacks etc.

Nice one.
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SteveClark
Posted: June 19th, 2016, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
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Richard,

Nicely done! I enjoyed reading. Can't really think of much to offer in the way of critique. Feel it's fine the way it is. If anything perhaps a teeny bit more tension somewhere, maybe something to do with Joel being found out, or a passing comment by someone, maybe Tan Woman. Either way, good read!

Steve


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Warren
Posted: June 19th, 2016, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Very clean writing and some fantastic character descriptions.

For me, formatting and dialogue was spot on.

Good concept and execution.

One thing, I donít think House of Cards should be playing. I'm assuming, you don't own the rights, and does it really matter or add anything to the story?

Were a couple of typos that I'm sure you would find in an edit (sorry I wasnít taking notes), but nothing major.

All in all, great job.



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Warren  -  June 21st, 2016, 4:53pm
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Dustin
Posted: June 21st, 2016, 9:02am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Nicely done. An excellent concept that deserves to get made. This is one you should submit to STS.


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eldave1
Posted: June 21st, 2016, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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Very cool, unexpected twist in this one.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 21st, 2016, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent work Richard, and a great twist that I didn't see coming.

As Dustin said, get this submitted to STS!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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SJBradley
Posted: June 23rd, 2016, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, I'm new here. i've read a few scripts but this is my first ever comment!

SPOILERS AHEAD

I loved this. Liked the dramatic irony between Joel treating people for isolation / loneliness, then you showed him looking like a very lonely man himself - tapping away at a screen, sitting on his own in a coffee shop. You seemed to be leading us down the road of Joel being as lonely as his patients & I really liked that about it. That was part of why the twist / reveal at the end was so satisfying.

I do think you could lead into the reveal slightly more elegantly in the final scene, however. For me you could cut the first two lines and start at TUCKER: I can't keep doing what I'm doing. (to imply that he's talking about his own situation?)

I would also change the line: JOEL: If you had been at the meeting, you would have witnessed the solidarity. I don't know whether this is something Tucker would be interested in - after all, he's a psychopath, and it's Joel who's interested in creating connections between people, not him. So for me, you could cut this line and maybe put Tucker's lines on either side of it together:

TUCKER: I donít know.  It gets tougher
every time.  Theyíre adding more
cameras and locks and watchers and
everything... they're going to catch me. I really don't want to go back to prison.

Just my two pence worth.

Really enjoyed this though & thanks for sharing it.
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