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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Interview With A Serial Killer Moderators: bert
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  Author    Interview With A Serial Killer  (currently 1093 views)
Don
Posted: June 16th, 2016, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Interview With A Serial Killer by Buck Biestek - Short, Comedy - A serial killer recalls the day he entered this earth before heading to the electric chair. 20 pages - pdf, format


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cloroxmartini
Posted: June 17th, 2016, 1:40am Report to Moderator
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Link not working for me.

Serial Killer is funny? Hmmm...
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Don
Posted: June 17th, 2016, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Link Fixed.

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cloroxmartini
Posted: June 17th, 2016, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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The humor is not my style and of all things watermelon?
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Buck
Posted: July 5th, 2016, 9:17am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the input.
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Warren
Posted: July 7th, 2016, 10:23pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, Buck, but I did struggle to get through this one.

The dialogue is on the nose and takes up a lot of the script. Most of it would be two talking heads in a room which doesnít really make for much of a story.

The formatting needs some work, you donít have time of day at the end of your slugs.

The constant CLOSE on is too much. A lot of camera directing as well, remember it is our job to write the story not direct or edit it.

There is also a lot of "we see" and "we hear", you need to show us this, not tell us. Scripts need to be visual.

You have songs from the Rolling Stones and Pink Floyd playing, I'm guessing you donít own the rights to these and probably wouldnít get them for a short anyway so they should probably go.

Hope this helps in some way.


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SteveClark
Posted: July 10th, 2016, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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Buck,

I tried but was out around page 5. One issue of note is your camera directions. If try not to use them unless you were filming this yourself. Other than that, as much as you used them they can get a little tedious an hinder the read, which it did for me.

The fart jokes were just overkill. You had three farts in three pages or so, and you used it right off the bat, perhaps for a cheap laugh. Which they can achieve, just not here.

The dialogue wasn't doing it for me either. By four pages I was wondering what this was all about, or if one of the characters would get to the point.  And there might have been one down the line, but based on what I'd read already I wasn't up for taking the journey.

I'm guessing at, what, 20+ pages, there could be an explanation and some funny stuff happening. And I'll bet if you cut this way down, delete the farts an camera angles and unnecessary dialogue, you could probably turn this into a tight 12 page script.

One thing I did think was hilarious was the serial killers name -- Hercules Geraldo Smothers! Now that was funny. Hope this helps a little.

Steve


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