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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Prison Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 22nd, 2016, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Prison by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - A man marries a woman to avoid prison--or does he? 13 pages - pdf, format


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Nolan
Posted: June 22nd, 2016, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
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Well, that took a turn for the worst!  

**Spoilers**

I kind of felt bad for Stan at the end.  I know he probably deserved everything he got, but I still couldn't help but feel bad for him.  I feel as though if he kept that up any longer he would have snapped.  Personally, I would have liked to see a little further down the road where he reaches a breaking point and finally does something about it.  Now he's back in court for an entirely different matter, to end the story.  Just my two cents however.  

I did like it though.  She really turned it around on him.  It was pretty dark.  I can appreciate dark stuff.

Nolan
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Nathan Hill
Posted: June 22nd, 2016, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure how I feel about this one. It's dark, sure but unrealistically dark.

SPOILERS


No idea why Missy would do what she did? No idea why she'd punish him like that. I could live with her just screwing guys in front of him but forcing him to be raped? It's just a bit over the top imo...

Formatting was decent though but the story missed the mark for me.
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MarkItZero
Posted: June 23rd, 2016, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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I loved that last script you did but this one didn't work for me. I'm all for dark and disturbing... but only if there's characters to drive it. I don't get a sense of who Stan is. He's sleeping with someone twenty years younger and underage, what caused him to do that? Were they ever actually in love? Cuz she seems like a pretty horrible person.

Which brings me to Missy, again I don't have a sense of her personality. How is an 18 year old girl this evil? They just seem like placeholders in service of the story so you can set up this dynamic where he's eventually forced into disturbing situations. I like the concept and the idea that Stan basically ends up in a situation almost as bad (maybe worse) than prison. But you have to flesh out the characters otherwise it's just a series of increasingly disturbing images.  


That rug really tied the room together.
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Warren
Posted: June 25th, 2016, 1:51am Report to Moderator
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A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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This was too much.

Why did Missy even marry him? So she couldnt testify, but she actually could and she threatens that she will, what's was the point?

This was dark and disturbing for the sake of it. No story here.

Sorry but I can't even tell you how to make it better. It's just so over the top.

Guess if you find an audience that's up for two rape scenes in two minutes, you might have something.


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Dustin
Posted: June 25th, 2016, 5:22am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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That was hilarious. Just way too unrealistic.

I like the concept, but where you took it beggars belief. Tone this shit down and you'll have a mighty fine story on your hands.


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RonH
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, but must agree. This one went off the rails in a big bad way. No real justification for Missy's actions. It's still well written, and I have enjoyed your other stories. Better luck on your next.
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RichardR
Posted: June 30th, 2016, 7:53am Report to Moderator
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All,

the reviews are unanimous.  This one leaped far past what would be acceptable.  So, back to the drawing board.

Thanks to all who read and commented.  I was reaching for a tale about a man who imprisons himself while trying to avoid prison.  Perhaps something more subtle is in order.

Best
Richard
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Warren
Posted: June 30th, 2016, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Definitely a good concept and something to work with, but yes, a more subtle approach for sure.

Good luck


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cbead
Posted: July 11th, 2016, 5:10am Report to Moderator
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Hey Richard,

Like the others I think this one did push the boundary a bit... The first 3/4 actually build up to a tense story of a girl beginning to understand and use the immense hold she has over her husband... So I believe there is a credible story in here, a study of how innocence turns to evil.

I just think the ending pushed it too far.


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