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The Confession (The Last Truth) (currently 2135 views) |
Don |
Posted: June 24th, 2016, 5:21pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16438 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
The Confession (was The Last Truth) by Rob Lambert (Fausto Lucignani) - Short, Drama - Two unrelated women share the memories of the same horrific event. 9 pages - pdf, format |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Don - July 16th, 2016, 9:25am | revised draft | | |
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Warren |
Posted: June 24th, 2016, 9:41pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
I'm sorry to say but there is so much wrong with this. Formatting is off. Not sure if English is you're first language as it reads a bit strange in certain parts.
The dialogue is so on the nose it's unbearabe. This would not be a great film to watch, it's essentially two talking heads in a room for the entire short.
I felt this took the strangest turn when Elga started to tell her story, did not see that coming, but not in a good way.
The connection between the two characters is so far fetched and and the fact that it was her grandmother, well who really cares.
I do like to try give some possitive feadback aswell but this really missed the mark for me and think it would need a complete overhaul to turn it into something worth reading. |
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Reply: 1 - 16 |
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RichardR |
Posted: June 27th, 2016, 1:47pm |
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Posts889 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Fausto,
Some notes.
There are some English issues in this one, often a dropped word. So, you need a thorough edit.
The story is far too coincidental. These sorts of things don't happen very often in real life. Now, at 96, this is probably not Elga's first brush with death. Being frail and on meds, she most likely has been there before. The dialogue if far too direct, and you start the scene far too early. The adage is to get in late and leave early. So, you might consider starting this at the end of Sara's explanation. The mortality rate is this, the morbidity rate is this. We'll do our best. Any questions?
Best Richard |
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Reply: 2 - 16 |
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Fausto |
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 6:58am |
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New
LocationNew Jersey Posts193 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Richard, thank you very much for your constructive comment. I deeply appreciate it. I will rewrite the script following your suggestions. The premise of the story is that Sara (the surgeon), after yhe old patient's revelation, is pondering in her mind to kill her during the operation. I'll work on it. Thanks again. Fausto |
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Reply: 3 - 16 |
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Fausto |
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 7:00am |
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LocationNew Jersey Posts193 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Thank you to all for your comments. I'll work on it. Fausto |
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Reply: 4 - 16 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 9:38am |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Quoted Text INT. HOSPITAL - ROOM - MORNING (2016) |
You don't need the year in your scene heading. SPOILERS There are issues in the writing, mostly dealing with the dialogue, that has already been pointed out. I found the coincidence (i.e., the Doctor's story) a bridge too far. All that being said, there are elements that are very promising. The premise of an otherwise innocent elderly woman on her hospital bed with a tortured hidden past is an interesting one. I do think there is a story here. Bestt of luck. |
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Reply: 5 - 16 |
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RichardR |
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 9:56am |
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Posts889 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Fausto,
A thought.
BIG SPOILER
If you wish to push the envelope, arrange for the old lady to confess after she's learned something about the surgeon. If you reverse the revelations, you can add a final scene where the surgeon meets the remaining family. In the scene, the surgeon regrets the death of the old woman, an immigrant from Germany after the war. And the family says 'what?' The old woman was born in Nachez, Mississippi and never left the states. Suicide by surgeon?
Best Richard |
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Reply: 6 - 16 |
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Fausto |
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 11:43am |
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New
LocationNew Jersey Posts193 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Richard, thank you for your suggested story...however, even though it's a good story, I feel that it's very different from what I'm proposing. In essence, the premise of the script is to have the reader asking himself/herself if the surgeon "kills" the old Nazi woman in revenge during the operation. I'll see what I can do with this. I appreciate your input. Fausto
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Reply: 7 - 16 |
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RichardR |
Posted: June 28th, 2016, 1:30pm |
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Posts889 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Fasuto,
I understand. YOu're looking for a lady or tiger question. Works for me. Good luck.
Richard |
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Reply: 8 - 16 |
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Warren |
Posted: July 14th, 2016, 7:14pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
I thought I recognised this.
It was posted on the 24 of June as THE LAST TRUTH written by Fausto Lucignani.
It's a slightly tweeked version. Am I missing something? |
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Reply: 9 - 16 |
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Grandma Bear |
Posted: July 14th, 2016, 7:36pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Swamp... Posts7962 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
That's interesting. Maybe Don will look into it. Sharp eyeWarren. |
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Reply: 10 - 16 |
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Warren |
Posted: July 14th, 2016, 8:12pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Sharp eye or need to get a life |
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Reply: 11 - 16 |
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cbead |
Posted: July 15th, 2016, 11:23am |
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New https://chrisbeadnell.wordpress.com/
LocationSunny Coast. Qld. Australia Posts143 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
A nom de plume or a brazen plagiarist? |
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Reply: 12 - 16 |
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bert |
Posted: July 15th, 2016, 12:20pm |
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AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4233 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Locking this thread until Don has taken a look. Could be nothing, could be a jerk. We'll see. |
| Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb! |
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Reply: 13 - 16 |
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Don |
Posted: July 15th, 2016, 1:20pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16438 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Mystery solved. Revised draft of The Last Truth with name change.
- Don |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Reply: 14 - 16 |
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Fausto |
Posted: July 18th, 2016, 11:59am |
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LocationNew Jersey Posts193 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Thank you Don for solving the problem...you guys are too conspiracy inclined...I wrote the first script, you guys gave me some excellent suggestions and I modified it...I also used a pen name (nom de plum) to avoid any confusion. I realize that it was the wrong decision...it caused a lot of unnecessary anxiety. My best to all and thanks. Rob (aka Fausto) |
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Reply: 15 - 16 |
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Fausto |
Posted: July 18th, 2016, 12:56pm |
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LocationNew Jersey Posts193 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
I'm sorry if I've caused so much confusion. I hope everything is now clear. My best, Fausto |
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Reply: 16 - 16 |
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