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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Troubles Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 1st, 2016, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Troubles by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - Sometimes, a man can't outrun his troubles. 8 pages - pdf, format


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Warren
Posted: July 1st, 2016, 11:05pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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SPOILERS:

Not sure what to make if this one. Onscreen in would be 7 or so minutes of talking with not much happening and it turns out the stuff that is happening isn't, but I don't think in a good twist way that you are aiming for.

Other than the logline kinda linking it togeather, what does the ending have to do with the rest of the story?  

I don't really get it, sorry.

Other than that, it reads well, writing and formatting works for me.


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RonH
Posted: July 3rd, 2016, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
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I was intrigued and enjoying the story until the last page, when I said "That's it?". You have an interesting concept, but I think you need to go further with it. This seems more like the first act to some larger story.

My best
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SteveClark
Posted: July 3rd, 2016, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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Can I graduate?

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Richard,

This seems like it could be a social commentary on the dangers of fracking, played out in the interaction between Tim and his "friends." What I got from this, if that is indeed what you were doing, is the dangers can linger and they're never really gone. Something like that. I might be wrong, but I took a shot.

As a story I figured right away that these people weren't really there. After all you did say the bar was empty and that was the dead giveaway for me, so hopefully I'm not giving anything away. As with your other pieces that were similar to this, not really my thing but I always enjoy reading your work.

Steve


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DavidV
Posted: July 3rd, 2016, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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Just gave this a read, and like Warren said, the dialogue flows nicely and it reads well.

I had some issues with the story though. As SteveClark pointed out, it seems extremely bizarre that so many people are suddenly appearing in an empty bar, which makes the ending not very surprising. Are these hallucinations due to fracking in the community? Maybe you should make this more clear.

Also, if the waitress noticed Tim talking to absolutely no one for so long, would she truly be smiling at him? I think she should appear a bit more concerned than you made her.

- David


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MarkItZero
Posted: July 9th, 2016, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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This seems like you overreached on something ambitious. It was well written, as usual. I enjoyed the characters you created, the moment each shows up and opens their mouth they're believable and interesting. But I can't get a read on the tone, sometimes it feels like a comedy the way they're all chiming in and giving him a hard time.

You describe Tim as "an everyman. Not too anything"... but he's the opposite of that. He seems to have a very colorful past that I'm sure helped shaped him as a person. He associates with loan sharks, shady criminals, prostitutes... that's not an everyman.

I feel like I'm missing something and this is a deep social commentary that I'm not smart enough to pick up on...

But if you were just going for a story about a man's past catching up on him... I'd have him get rip roaring drunk with the bartender, then take some drugs and start hallucinating all these people from his past. It would still lend a surreal quality to the whole thing but not leave the reader scratching their head.


That rug really tied the room together.
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