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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Hospitalized Moderators: bert
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  Author    Hospitalized  (currently 2076 views)
Don
Posted: July 13th, 2016, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hospitalized by David Voss - Short, Sci Fi, Thriller - A hospitalized man begins to suspect something amiss about the hospital. 9 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 20th, 2016, 1:26pm
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Warren
Posted: July 13th, 2016, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Wasn’t really for me.

SPOILERS, sort of:

Didn’t understand the significance of the puppy or the star and how it all fit together.

I think it's slightly overwritten.

The liquid is cascading out his arm then a second later it's oozing. These two words conjure up completely different images in my mind and it doesn’t seem like one can change to the other that quickly.

The final scene doesn’t add anything to the story. We already know the star has significance, whatever that is. We also already know what is going on, what does having the star glow change?


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DavidV
Posted: July 13th, 2016, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read.

Quoted from Warren

Didn’t understand the significance of the puppy or the star and how it all fit together.

The star object was supposed to be the mechanism through which he got abducted.

The dead puppy was admittedly a little gratuitous. At first, I began this script with him believing that he ran over a puppy, then finding the star-like object embedded in it. I changed that, and for some reason, decided to keep the puppy in. I'll probably get rid of the puppy.

Quoted Text
I think it's slightly overwritten.

All of it? Or just some parts, like when the nurses rush in? I have a tendency to overwrite a bit, so I don't doubt it. I'll read it over.

Quoted Text
The liquid is cascading out his arm then a second later it's oozing. These two words conjure up completely different images in my mind and it doesn’t seem like one can change to the other that quickly.

It was meant to suggest the liquid quit streaming as rapidly.

Quoted Text
The final scene doesn’t add anything to the story. We already know the star has significance, whatever that is. We also already know what is going on, what does having the star glow change?

I was trying to add an air of mystery to it. The glow is supposed to indicate that it was the mechanism through which he got abducted, assuming he actually got abducted. I ended it at the same location where it began because that's how these abduction stories tend to go... the abductee wakes up exactly where he was before.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 13th, 2016, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Personally I think this would work better if he were driving along the road when the electrics/mechanics go in his car and he starts hurtling towards a tree out of control, then cut to the experimentation scene. It'd be more in keeping with the literature on alien abductions.

I'm not sure how it would fit with the tone but I feel there's a missed opportunity for an anal probe reference, or at least the suggestion of one

I struggled a little with the arc/ending... it seems some aliens abduct him, then let him go again... seems a little simplistic and perhaps anti-climactic.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Warren
Posted: July 13th, 2016, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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I didn’t make that connection with the star.

I did understand what you were going for with the cascading/oozing; just think you need a better word. The two just don’t work together in my mind, not a massive issue though.

What I though was over written was the inclusion of the final scene, but I can see now why you want it. Still think we need to understand the importance of the star more. I’d be interested to know how many people directly link it to the abduction. Maybe I just didn’t get it.

I consider this over writing as well:

Something else I'm generally not a fan of is seeing something in the action then repeating it in dialogue. We have already seen what happens to Bill, and then he recalls it on pg. 3. I'm not entirely sure how to fix it but I'm just pointing out what I think needs work.

You do it again here:

“She moves away from the screen, and grabs a large vial
containing red fluid. Blood maybe.

BILL (CONT’D)
What is that? Blood?”

As an audience, if this was to be filmed, we can decide whether or not it looks like blood. Bill then asks if it is blood, so it must obviously look like blood.

I don’t think I’m explaining this very well, but I hope you get what I mean. Any super experienced writers please jump in and correct my ramblings if I’m way off.




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DavidV
Posted: July 13th, 2016, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Personally I think this would work better if he were driving along the road when the electrics/mechanics go in his car and he starts hurtling towards a tree out of control, then cut to the experimentation scene. It'd be more in keeping with the literature on alien abductions.

Maybe... it could also be more thrilling than what I have.

Quoted Text
I'm not sure how it would fit with the tone but I feel there's a missed opportunity for an anal probe reference, or at least the suggestion of one

That's a bit too goofy for my tastes.

Quoted Text
I struggled a little with the arc/ending... it seems some aliens abduct him, then let him go again... seems a little simplistic and perhaps anti-climactic.

Well they let him go, but it's unclear what they did to him. I was trying to leave it ambiguous; I think that if you spell everything out to an audience, especially with alien abduction stories, it loses its creepiness.


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DavidV
Posted: July 13th, 2016, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren

I consider this over writing as well:

Something else I'm generally not a fan of is seeing something in the action then repeating it in dialogue. We have already seen what happens to Bill, and then he recalls it on pg. 3. I'm not entirely sure how to fix it but I'm just pointing out what I think needs work.

Yeah, but he recalls it for a reason. He's trying to the get the nurse to explain to him what he's doing there. I didn't include that for expositional purposes.

Quoted Text
You do it again here:

“She moves away from the screen, and grabs a large vial
containing red fluid. Blood maybe.

BILL (CONT’D)
What is that? Blood?”

As an audience, if this was to be filmed, we can decide whether or not it looks like blood. Bill then asks if it is blood, so it must obviously look like blood.

That's true, but it seems like a minor point.


Quoted Text
I don’t think I’m explaining this very well, But I hope you get what I mean. Any super experienced writers please jump in and correct my ramblings if I’m way off.

I appreciate your suggestions and I think you're explaining your criticisms well enough. I see your points, but I'm not sure I agree with all of them. Not trying to be rude.
If the ultra-experienced writers comment and don't dig this either, I might defend it or I might go back to the drawing board. Depends on what they say. Some of this is subjective, after all.


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Wes
Posted: July 13th, 2016, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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So Warren pointed out a number of things in his first post. You responded with a number of explanations. What your explanations suggest to me are that there are a number of things in your head that aren't yet in the script. I understand the desire not to give too much away. On the other hand, it's left me with a lack of information and I really don't understand what's going on.


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MarkItZero
Posted: July 13th, 2016, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with Anthony that the metal star thing doesn't really work as an abduction tool. I didn't even realize it was an alien abduction till I read the comments. Thought maybe it was some ghost hospital or he was just hallucinating weird things.

I'd go with something like electronics cutting out or weird lights in the sky that blind him or some weird scaly creature in the middle of the road that causes him to swerve.

Overall, solid writing. If you wanna take this up a notch you gotta give me more about Bill. Right now I have no idea who he is so I don't really care what happens to him. You have him driving on a road in the middle of nowhere. Why is he on that road? Maybe just have him talking to a woman on his cell while he's driving, saying he can't keep meeting like this, that he can't keep lying to his wife... then he crashes.

Even that little bit would give me something. He's a philanderer. He's racked with guilt. Sure that might not be the most unique thing ever but it tells me something about Bill. It brings him into slightly sharper focus and thus I am more invested in what's about to happen to him.

Of course you can come up with a completely different character idea. It's your story. But you should have something.


That rug really tied the room together.
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DavidV
Posted: July 13th, 2016, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Wes
So Warren pointed out a number of things in his first post. You responded with a number of explanations. What your explanations suggest to me are that there are a number of things in your head that aren't yet in the script. I understand the desire not to give too much away. On the other hand, it's left me with a lack of information and I really don't understand what's going on.

Well he said the puppy and and the star-object needed explaining. I'll get rid of the puppy. At this point, it's pretty clear the star-object doesn't make much sense, so I'll slash that as well. I'll rethink how he gets abducted. I liked Anthony's suggestion, so I might go with that.


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DavidV
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Quoted from MarkItZero
I agree with Anthony that the metal star thing doesn't really work as an abduction tool. I didn't even realize it was an alien abduction till I read the comments. Thought maybe it was some ghost hospital or he was just hallucinating weird things.

I'd go with something like electronics cutting out or weird lights in the sky that blind him or some weird scaly creature in the middle of the road that causes him to swerve.

Really? I was actually kind of worried about the opposite; that some people might just think he was abducted as soon as the nurse acts oddly. Maybe I've read a few too many of those alien abduction stories. Guess I need to make it more clear what happened to him.

Quoted Text
Overall, solid writing. If you wanna take this up a notch you gotta give me more about Bill. Right now I have no idea who he is so I don't really care what happens to him. You have him driving on a road in the middle of nowhere. Why is he on that road? Maybe just have him talking to a woman on his cell while he's driving, saying he can't keep meeting like this, that he can't keep lying to his wife... then he crashes.

Even that little bit would give me something. He's a philanderer. He's racked with guilt. Sure that might not be the most unique thing ever but it tells me something about Bill. It brings him into slightly sharper focus and thus I am more invested in what's about to happen to him.

Of course you can come up with a completely different character idea. It's your story. But you should have something.

Thanks, yeah, I think this a good point. Bill having something to his character probably would make this more investing.


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RichardR
Posted: July 14th, 2016, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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David,

Some notes.

This one has some nice elements.  The opening is solid, although as others have mentioned, the star doesn't work as planned.  I thought it was kind of ninja weapon.  And I don't know why aliens would resort to such a ruse.  Also, the dog is a distraction.

Perhaps, my biggest bugaboo is with the premise.  Why would aliens sabotage the car, and why would they make their examination room like one on earth?  Do they really need to keep the victim calm?  Why not envision some exotic examination room with some advanced equipment that siphons out whatever without any needle or insertion?  Advanced civilizations are advanced, right?

OK, enough of that.  For me, I need a bit more specificity.  Why this man?  Why this time of day?  Why this medical room?  Why do they need blood and serums?  I'm not a big fan of random abductions.

Otherwise, the writing and style are fine.  Oh, if the aliens go to the trouble of making themselves look like humans, can you sneak in a peek of what they're really like?  

Best
Richard
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cbead
Posted: July 15th, 2016, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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Hi David,

Not too much more to add. I suppose I am curious about the white substance in the vial, which I'm not sure if and how it fits into the alien examinations... and filming clear IV fluid flowing outward would be pretty difficult, you can't see clear IV fluid flowing inward...(day job: paramedic) Perhaps having red streams within the clear fluid flowing outward would be more 'film-able'.

Best of luck


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Gum
Posted: July 15th, 2016, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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David,

I liked it for what it was, however, was lost on the premise of the abduction as well. Tying it all together with abstract ideology could punch it up a bit IMO. Break out of the alien abduction mold, so to speak?

I recall some info about a shadow government possessing a fact book of aliens currently in contact with humans… one being the “Greys”. Apparently these Greys were designed (by an even higher intelligence) as clones/drones (similar to worker bees) and, apparently have an IQ of about 1200 to 1400, making them able to quickly reverse engineer and modify any type of technology they come in contact with; a very useful advocate when designing weapons and propulsion systems for the shadow ops.

The only problem is… their (Greys) DNA is so f*cked up from their ongoing cloning process that they’ve been trying to repair it with aspects of human strands for years (apparently humans are more deified than we are able to envision… go figure… our DNA has been tampered with as well; some call it the fall of man). I believe it’s the ability to feel emotions like humans do, not their obvious intellect they’re trying to repair. As well, they’re actually ‘Grey” because of synthetic Bio-Suits that wrap tightly to their form. Under that they’re apparently a frail, pink, fleshy mass susceptible to viruses like no other.

Long story short… it’s been stated that the shadow ops have given the Greys a green light on human abduction in exchange for technology. I’m reaching here, but something like the aliens infusing the abducted with Ozone/H202 to clean up his system before they pull some DNA strands might be amusing. When they abduct him he’s dumb as a stump and sick as a dog, and afterwards… fit as a fiddle with a Mensa IQ. Or perhaps, he’s bi-polar and when his emotions get the best of him they flush him out onto the turnpike with extreme prejudice.

The human/alien hybrid comes off as cold and callous, wherein she might be compassionate instead, realizing that humans are their bread and butter to better a understanding  of their future. Then again, maybe the hybrids are f*cked up as well and really don’t understand human emotion on the same spectrum as non-clones.

I’m just throwing out an alternative view of alien encounter to stoke your imagination; it’s all just opinion of course… best of luck.


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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stevemiles
Posted: July 15th, 2016, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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David,

Not sure what ‘sickeningly attractive’ would look like…  Anyways, this was building well, nicely paced, sense of mystery to keep me engaged.  But then it ended and I’m left with more questions than answers and few clues with which to reach my own conclusion.  Perhaps it’s vague by design?  

The big eyes and small chins remind me of those classic Roswell type aliens ‘Grays’ I think they’re called.  I’m guessing this is an abduction?  A quick ‘probe and release’ perhaps?  

Well written, just not enough depth to make much of an impression.  

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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