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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    Short Sci Fi - January 07 One Week Challenge  ›  Popcorn 4994
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  Author    Popcorn 4994  (currently 1871 views)
Don
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Popcorn 4994 by William Forrester - Short, Sci Fi  - The Popcorn 4994 travels through out the outer space without its crew to know the danger they are submitted at. 7 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  January 23rd, 2007, 9:08pm
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dogglebe
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
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I'll hold off guessing who wrote this one.  

At first I was distracted by some of the terminology used, but I later found it charming in a stylized sort of way.  I mean, schlong torpedoes?  And your ending was very clever.

I felt cheated by your use of popcorn in the story, though....


Phil
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greg
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 9:32pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Eh, this was okay.  Charming in a sort of exaggerated way on the notion of it being a sci-fi story, and at least from what I can gather, a few jabs at President Bush.  "We need more men on Irak system...it is ruined by Schlong torpedoes..." Yeah, that had me cracking up.  I don't know if it was just a misuse of grammar or what, but it was funny.

So yeah, good effort but it wasn't dazzling.


Be excellent to each other
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Zombie Sean
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
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Holy crap to tell you the truth, I had no idea what the heck was going on in this script. Too much was going on for me to even come close to comprehending any bit of it...



SPOILERS



....Until I realized it was all a movie. But that bothered me, since most of it was set in a movie, and had little to do with popcorn until the last page.


Sean


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James McClung
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
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This was hilarious though technically not the greatest script in the world. The descriptions were bizarre and often difficult to read. It's not just the grammar, which was off. The wording was just awkward somehow. The dialogue was the same. I did love some of the lines though. "We retired GOD!" and "Yucky! Yucky! Yucky!" were among my favorites.

The plot was pretty basic. An intergalactic battle. At least, that's what I think it was. In addition to the shoddy descriptions, I was thrown off by some of these names. Schlong torpedoes? Faecal coliforms? Vadge 4000? I was cracking up the whole time. I mean, I just couldn't take this serious. Somehow I think that was your intention though. In any case, the twist ending was clever. Something I didn't expect to come out of a script like this.

All in all, this was an extremely bizarre but overall amusing read, whether or not the humor was intention.


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Mr.Z
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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I won't comment on story, characters, structure, or format, since it seemed to me that you were just having a bit of fun while writing this. And yeah, I admit it, you stole some chuckles from me, my friend. As usual.



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Steve-Dave
Posted: January 22nd, 2007, 3:30am Report to Moderator
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I didn't like this one to much. The ending was alright, but I didn't get any of it. I didn't find it really funny, and it just seemed like a bunch of stuff thrown together and a bunch of shots at Bush, and just...blah, whatever. It was just confusing and seemed to take forever.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
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"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
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"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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mcornetto
Posted: January 22nd, 2007, 6:53am Report to Moderator
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That was an EXPERIENCE.

One I don't know if I would ever like to repeat.

But it did make me laugh (quite a bit actually) and it was creative.
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Parker
Posted: January 22nd, 2007, 7:15am Report to Moderator
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Very creative indeed, as always. I kinda liked it though some of the things mentioned kinda threw me off now and then. All those numbers! Schlong torpeoes was funny man. And the ending was pretty good so all in all I liked it dude.


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
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spencerforhire
Posted: January 22nd, 2007, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
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Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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It's the weirdness in the writer that I love. His quirky ways. Ooops did I give it away? The hidden meaning and second though humor. 10 out of 10 for quirky. And the schlong torpedo... Whoa! Lets not get penetrated by one of those.

Excellent Amigo!

Spencer


I got nothing.  
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tomson
Posted: January 23rd, 2007, 12:31pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one! You can read quite deeply into this one if you want. Sure there was a little bit of a language problem here, but I really dug the story. I thought it was very clever. My guess would be that Helio wrote this one.

Pretty officer or Petty officer? Doesn’t matter if that was intentional or not, Larry Queen was a suitable name anyway. I love how you played Girl From Ipanema in the background! It was just so out of place.

Mr. Bush, more men on Irak System, schlong torpedoes, 2007 Senate a new central computer, haha.

“We are the knights of the liberty; the hope of the Universe we have been; No matter
we will do, our motto is fraternity”.

This script is littered with things like this.

I really liked it and I for one would like to see one of Kevan’s full deciphering of this one, because I’m sure I missed a lot of them.

Good Job!  
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Higgonaitor
Posted: January 23rd, 2007, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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I was kind of lost to be honest, until the theatre part.  i think this might have had something to do with the long names that made the format look off.  In diualogue, I think you should shorten the names so that they look a little more centered.  I also don't know what the first part had to do with popcorn, but I knew it was mentioned.  Was it the name of the ship?

There were definetely parts that made me laugh though, which contrasts with the ending.  I'm not sure whether or not the ending was meant to be funny--I didnt see it that way, but maybe I was looking at it wrong.

-Tyler


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RobertSpence
Posted: January 24th, 2007, 8:03am Report to Moderator
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Helio any1?

There were a lot of errors in this script grammar wise. For example you say sun(as in the sun) of a bitch instead of son of a bitch. That got me most.

Your use of spaceship "jargon" was good in a way of making it sound sophisticated at points but so much so to the point i didn't understand most of the script.

I did however notice the Irak things which added a bit of humour to this script. 5/5 for the effort and your scripts are always great in their own way.

Keep writing, and if this is who i think it is, i would very much like to read a script set from where you are from

                              Robert


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Helio
Posted: January 29th, 2007, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Thanks to everyone and keep you eyes opened, guys!
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