Flirting with Violence by Maxwell Modell - Short, Action, Adventure - The story of a man who tries to win back his ex the only way he knows how, though revenge. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Some notes.

The style could be more standard.  Thick blocks of action often put off readers.  Try to limit your blocks to 4 lines or fewer.

For the most part, writers don't put in camera directions unless they intend to make the movie.  The director chooses the camera angles. Limiting camera specifics is generally preferred.

This story isn't particularly new.  I found it odd that she would go back to her ex when she got in trouble.  Wouldn't she go with the new guy?  And unless the ex is rich or in a position to do what he does, she should find someone else.

And then, there's the ending.  I was hoping for some sort of surprise or reversal, but it was straightforward.  She found another guy.  He's devastated, but not to the point of killing her new boyfriend.  

Best
Richard

Max: I agree with Richard here - the action blocks need a great deal of trimming, This:

Quoted Text We see a shock reaction on the face of HARDY, aged around 20 wearing smart casual outfit with jeans and open collar shirt, he has messy hair. HARDY is standing in the doorway of ANNA’s bedroom. Classic operatic music plays, other than this music the scene is silent. The scene is in slow motion. Switch angle to the perspective of HARDY to show ANNA shouting at him and point, she is breaking up with him. ANNA is again around the age of 20 and is clearly a pretty despite her anger. This is shot in slow motion and there is no sound. After about 20 seconds of this, wind stops, speed returns to full speed and sound returns.

Should be something like:

Dead silence other than OPERATIC MUSIC  music playing in the background.

HARDY (20ish), jeans, open collar dress shirt, messy hair stands in the doorway. A look of shock on his face.

ANNA (20), pretty shouts  and points at Hardy in slow motion - no sound. After a few moments, we are back in real time.

ANNA
(screaming)
You are a lying piece of shit
Hardy. What about the promises
huh? What happened to those?

Or something like that - check out a few scripts to see how action blocks are handled.

Page 1: Rewrite 'clearly a pretty'.
Page 1: You missed a full stop.
Page 1: Should be 'and sees'.
Page 1: 'To' should be 'too. Etc....

'Her face is heavily bruised from a punch.' How would the viewer know it was because of a punch? I would just delete that, as the viewer finds out soon enough.

Hardy seems to be a very strange person. A controlling, sensitive person who talks to his teddy bear and kills people? I'm not saying it's impossible. Does he have a split personality or something? If so, maybe you could make that clear.

'(same person who was seen earlier punching ANNA)' - I'm not sure you need that.

'BRETT accepting this fate' - That was nice of him. I guess that could happen, but I think someone like him would be more angry. But then again, I wouldn't know.

Interesting ending. On the whole not bad, but maybe a little unrealistic.