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The Black Hole by Bryson G - Short, Action - An elite fixer is hired to eliminate a business partner of a prestigious firm for doing shady business with a well know criminal organization, but it must look like an accident. 12 pages - pdf, format
Hi there! Read your script and I'd like to give some feedback.
First of all would like to say that you've made a professional script to my eyes anyway, tense when it needs to be tense etc.
One of the major points I noticed was how funny it was in places - the bit where Brier and Halo have sex in the lift and the doors open - HILARIOUS! I literally laughed out loud at that bit. And the whole idea of dying by the window breaking during do a wheelbarrow is pretty clever and funny. I can easily see the story being made and up on the screen as it where. I enjoy how it seems that in many cases a new paragraph as I read it created another cut or edit to a different style of shot as I was reading and visualising it.
I felt that the phrase 'Brier puts the car in the garage.' on page 9 to indicate that he penetrates her doesn't work and there's no need it - simply say that he penetrates her. However, I do understand that it may have been included to continue the flow of the writing and keep up that comedic element. Me personally, it stood out like a sore thumb and should be rephrased.
The sex between Brier and Halo continues for what feels a long time and seemed to distract me ever so slightly, and I began to lose some interest as all that was happening was sex (although comedy and the inter-cutting with Mr, Rasulala are thrown into the mix) and some of the story could have been ever so slightly more explored in that section, although I don't know what I'm afraid.
The ending, I am somewhat confused as to why Mr. Rasulala kills ADLEY and Tomas.
I feel that the script is of the right length, original yet plays on established conventions of film.