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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Action / Adventure Scripts  ›  Brother Justice
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  Author    Brother Justice  (currently 222 views)
Don
Posted: August 25th, 2018, 10:07am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Brothers Justice by Ed Earp - Short, Action, Thriller - Two young detectives embark on a risky expedition to resolve their brotherís murder. Stalked by a notorious gang, they survive deadly confrontations on their path to a triumphant breakthrough.  50 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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EscapeVelocity13
Posted: August 26th, 2018, 1:40am Report to Moderator
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Hello Ed,

Right away I noticed you may be new to screen writing. There is no title page to this. Also, a lot of passive writing and a lot of on the nose dialogue. Also, I could be jumping the gun as I stopped right when it jumps ahead ten years, but most of the cast is supposed to be American, African American. Well here's the issue, almost no one in the African American community refers to their mom as "mum", this made me think you may be from across the pond and not from America. Which is fine, but try and research how people speak...the dialogue here was so on the nose and very plain.

I'd say do some research, and you can really make this into something.

Good luck.
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Dustin
Posted: August 26th, 2018, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
Blue


Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Here in Birmingham, UK, we pronounce it with an 'o'. So, it's mom, not mum. I actually have Southerners try to correct me on it. To me a mummy is completely wrapped in bandages, in London, it's your parent.
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