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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Action / Adventure Scripts  ›  Gastown
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  Author    Gastown  (currently 92 views)
Don
Posted: August 24th, 2019, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Gastown by Jay Fjestad - Short, Action, Adventure - Janet and her mom, Karen, are out on a quick shopping trip when a desperate, cryptic phone call sends them on a chaotic chase through the streets of downtown San Diego. 23 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 26th, 2019, 11:47am
revised draft
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wordbreeders
Posted: September 5th, 2019, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not quite sure what led to them being chased or how Dad is linked. I like your writing style, but just be careful, sometimes leaving out words can make it difficult to follow who is doing what. I wasn't quite sure how to visualize the pedestrians. Are they in a zombie-like state?
At page 5 I was thinking this is pretty slow for Action, and then it just shifted into full on action. Just be careful of too much repetition.  The cars bounce and jump a lot. There's also a lot of going fast, then having to slow for people, then fast and then slow again. This would be a pretty high budget short to make.
Regards, Christine
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