|
Author |
Trick or Tweet (currently 1787 views) |
Don |
Posted: October 31st, 2017, 9:11am |
|
|
AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16448 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Trick or Tweet by David Lambertson - Short, Comedy - President Trump is haunted by the ghosts of presidents past. 8 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
|
|
|
|
|
Bogey |
Posted: October 31st, 2017, 10:46am |
|
|
New
LocationThe Chair Posts232 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Dave-
Love the premise.
The dialogue fell a little flat for me, I think because it was mostly a reiteration of what Trump's said in the past. I would have liked some fighting back with new levels of his ignorance of history (attack Washington with something like, "Well if you're so smart, how many times have you been on the cover of Time" or blame Lincoln for Charlottesville). Maybe an ironic tattoo revealed through the open robe?
Anyway, a fun read that I appreciated...especially the day after yesterday. |
|
|
|
Reply: 1 - 18 |
|
|
eldave1 |
Posted: October 31st, 2017, 1:49pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Dave-
Love the premise.
The dialogue fell a little flat for me, I think because it was mostly a reiteration of what Trump's said in the past. I would have liked some fighting back with new levels of his ignorance of history (attack Washington with something like, "Well if you're so smart, how many times have you been on the cover of Time" or blame Lincoln for Charlottesville). Maybe an ironic tattoo revealed through the open robe?
Anyway, a fun read that I appreciated...especially the day after yesterday. |
Like your ideas - I like them. Thanks for the reaf. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 2 - 18 |
|
|
ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: October 31st, 2017, 5:43pm |
|
|
Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1566 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
DAVE -
Shorts. They are what they are. So I don't try to read too much into them.
No changing Trump. I enjoyed the premise and the script did have funny moments.
You seem to have a knack for comedy. From where I sit , I don't think you had to pull a lot of strings to go for jokes, for the most part, they felt like they were coming organically out of the situation. If that makes sense....
Good stuff. Thanks for entertaining
Ghostie
|
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 3 - 18 |
|
|
eldave1 |
Posted: October 31st, 2017, 7:28pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
DAVE -
Shorts. They are what they are. So I don't try to read too much into them.
No changing Trump. I enjoyed the premise and the script did have funny moments.
You seem to have a knack for comedy. From where I sit , I don't think you had to pull a lot of strings to go for jokes, for the most part, they felt like they were coming organically out of the situation. If that makes sense....
Good stuff. Thanks for entertaining
Ghostie
|
It does - thanks for the read |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 4 - 18 |
|
|
Kirsten |
Posted: November 2nd, 2017, 7:12am |
|
|
January Project Group Giving up is not an option....
LocationKiwi in Ohio Posts373 Posts Per Day 0.13 |
Hey Dave, that was fun.....you should send it to SNL! |
| "Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....
'What we do in the Shadows.' |
|
|
|
Reply: 5 - 18 |
|
|
eldave1 |
Posted: November 2nd, 2017, 9:45am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Hey Dave, that was fun.....you should send it to SNL! |
Thanks, Kirsten- appreciated. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 6 - 18 |
|
|
khamanna |
Posted: November 2nd, 2017, 12:18pm |
|
|
January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Hey Dave.
you have Lincoln's arm's tense on p4 - thought that might be a typo.
Anyway, that was a lot of fun. I liked it a lot. Can't suggest anything here, I think it should stay as is. At first I saw Trump and thought that nothing good can come out of this. But this works very well for me. |
|
|
|
Reply: 7 - 18 |
|
|
eldave1 |
Posted: November 2nd, 2017, 12:41pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Hey Dave.
you have Lincoln's arm's tense on p4 - thought that might be a typo.
Anyway, that was a lot of fun. I liked it a lot. Can't suggest anything here, I think it should stay as is. At first I saw Trump and thought that nothing good can come out of this. But this works very well for me. |
Thanks. Khamanna - ironically, this was going to be my OWC submittal - got a third through it and saw no comedy genre so abandoned it for a bit - so, in a way, you inspired it's initiation. Thanks for the read and the comments. Appreciated. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 8 - 18 |
|
|
khamanna |
Posted: November 2nd, 2017, 1:53pm |
|
|
January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Would it be about the fear of ghosts then, Dave? |
|
|
|
Reply: 9 - 18 |
|
|
eldave1 |
Posted: November 2nd, 2017, 2:07pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Would it be about the fear of ghosts then, Dave? |
No - I changed it from the original since I was no longer having to meet the phobia or RIP requirement. It was going to be Peladophobia - the fear of becoming bald. Had material in that regard which I later discarded. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 10 - 18 |
|
|
MarkItZero |
Posted: November 3rd, 2017, 5:54pm |
|
|
Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
I'm with Kirsten, this should be an SNL skit. Loved the Covfefe line. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 11 - 18 |
|
|
eldave1 |
Posted: November 3rd, 2017, 6:00pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
I'm with Kirsten, this should be an SNL skit. Loved the Covfefe line. |
Thanks, mate. Glad you liked it. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 12 - 18 |
|
|
Marty |
Posted: November 6th, 2017, 8:37am |
|
|
New
Posts161 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Dave,
I enjoyed this one. It was funny and well well written.
I agree with Kristen and MarkItZero, definitely SNL worthy.
Great work.
All the best, Marty |
|
|
|
Reply: 13 - 18 |
|
|
eldave1 |
Posted: November 6th, 2017, 10:35am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Dave,
I enjoyed this one. It was funny and well well written.
I agree with Kristen and MarkItZero, definitely SNL worthy.
Great work.
All the best, Marty |
Thanks, Marty - appreciated. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 14 - 18 |
|
|