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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  A Dog Wish
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  Author    A Dog Wish  (currently 238 views)
Don
Posted: October 7th, 2018, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Dog Wish by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - A sick child gets his wish granted, to be transformed into a dog. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Marcela
Posted: March 17th, 2019, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Simon,
I got intrigued by the logline so I started reading. I really felt sorry for the boy and got angry with the mother who seemed to be so unreasonably stuck in her ways! I mean, we live in 20th century - playing in the garden would only speed up any child's recovery. So I don't blame the poor kid for wanting to be a dog.
The final twist is somehow sinister and kinda strange. To be honest, it's probably better for the boy(now a dog) to be taken away from his family, even though he seems to be anxious about it. So the ending didn't really work for me.
But overall your script is based on a very interesting idea and could turn into a nice film script for children!


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jayrex
Posted: March 22nd, 2019, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Hi Simon, not bad.  I liked how it finished.

What I would say is to detail what Sam has before the ending, so we the audience understand that life as his new wish is better than the present.  I’d also say I didn’t get the comedy vibe.

On another note.  Coincidentally I�ve also written a story on making dreams come true:

https://javiertorregrosascreenwriter.wordpress.com/2010/04/28/dreams/

I noticed two spelling errors in the dialogue.  The first one is in the first line of the first dialogue sentence.

All the best,


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PKCardinal
Posted: March 22nd, 2019, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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True story: When I was a kid, I wished to be a dog. When I realized that I could never be a dog, I decided to be a pastor, since they only worked on Sundays. (I was young, give me a break!) The whole God thing kind of ruined that plan. Now, I write.

Anyway, what you really want is feedback, not storytelling!

So, definitely clean up the few typos and look for several instances of on the nose dialogue. Eliminate those.

Maybe consider withholding the idea of his wish until he runs up to the man on the street. So, he can't go outside, he sees the dog, he gets jealous, he sees the man, he wishes to be a dog. It would add an element of suspense to his meeting the man... what will he wish for? To be cured? No. To be a dog.

As it sits, you telegraph the ending on page 3 when he talks to the dog.

I did like the Twilight Zone nature of the ending.


PaulKWrites.com

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The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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