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The primary purpose of the SimplyScripts Discussion Board is the discussion of unproduced screenplays. If you are a producer or director lookng for your next project, the works here are available for option, purchase or production only if you receive permission from the author.
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Hi Simon, I got intrigued by the logline so I started reading. I really felt sorry for the boy and got angry with the mother who seemed to be so unreasonably stuck in her ways! I mean, we live in 20th century - playing in the garden would only speed up any child's recovery. So I don't blame the poor kid for wanting to be a dog. The final twist is somehow sinister and kinda strange. To be honest, it's probably better for the boy(now a dog) to be taken away from his family, even though he seems to be anxious about it. So the ending didn't really work for me. But overall your script is based on a very interesting idea and could turn into a nice film script for children!
What I would say is to detail what Sam has before the ending, so we the audience understand that life as his new wish is better than the present. I’d also say I didn’t get the comedy vibe.
On another note. Coincidentally I�ve also written a story on making dreams come true:
True story: When I was a kid, I wished to be a dog. When I realized that I could never be a dog, I decided to be a pastor, since they only worked on Sundays. (I was young, give me a break!) The whole God thing kind of ruined that plan. Now, I write.
Anyway, what you really want is feedback, not storytelling!
So, definitely clean up the few typos and look for several instances of on the nose dialogue. Eliminate those.
Maybe consider withholding the idea of his wish until he runs up to the man on the street. So, he can't go outside, he sees the dog, he gets jealous, he sees the man, he wishes to be a dog. It would add an element of suspense to his meeting the man... what will he wish for? To be cured? No. To be a dog.
As it sits, you telegraph the ending on page 3 when he talks to the dog.
I did like the Twilight Zone nature of the ending.
PaulKWrites.com
Ashes - Semi-contained psychological horror thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror