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First thought - all the directions - 6 CUT TO's in the first page, why? it's very distracting to the read, unless you are planning to produce this yourself you can leave this stuff out unless it is really necessary, here I don't think it is.
Also, the UNKNOWN location doesn't help - what am I looking at? where is this woman? an empty room? any windows? I can't visualise anything
TELEVISION SCREEN - The contestant wants to solve the word. (It’s something subliminal to this story).
The above really annoyed me, very lazy, am I suppose to decide what the word is myself?
wow, brutal scene - Can someone bludgeon themselves to death with a claw hammer to the face? I don't know, after the first couple of blows, would they be able to carry on?
Don't much like Blakes dialogue, what's a piss-ant? Also, his escape attempt wasn't very convincing, think there needs to be more urgency here.
A commercial from sponsor - who would want to sponsor this? I would liked to have seen a little bit of it to be honest, would have pushed me further into this world.
I love the host, he has real character - His dialogue is spot on for me.
The ending, hmmm. We have got to the conclusion, and you are running credits over the top of it? Doesn't make sense to me. I also don't like Walkers line.
I also think it leaves too much hanging, why are these guys holding his sister? who's the boss? what happens next? - I think, having it that his sister killed herself as a contestant, and he is getting revenge, would rap the story up nicely.
I was also a little disappointed in him using a gun - I feel like he would have gone in there with a plan other than "I hope someone in there has a gun that I can grab" - I think it would have been more apt if he used the same tools that the contestants use to kill themselves - but that's just me.
Now all of the above sounds negative. But I really enjoyed this story, visually I think it would be great - I loved the host. could probably have seen more of walker in the run up (clutching a picture of his sister or something?)
Anyway. Hope this gets picked up as I would love to watch it.
Thanks a lot for the review and feedback, I really appreciate it. This is the first time I've shared a script with anyone outside my circle here in Australia. As you hinted, all my writing is initially planned to be made by myself. So, for you to shred it apart like this makes me happy. The feedback I usually receive is "That's good Joel - Let's make it Joel" when in reality I want people to tell me what sucks about it.
The CUT TO's I will get rid of and I'll replace the UNKNOWN location to WAREHOUSE.
The (It's something subliminal to this story) bit that annoyed you was written like that because, honestly I wasn't sure if I could even get the rights to TV gameshow footage or which episode/word would be used. I felt the reader would get the point.
For money, I believe someone could beat themselves to near death with a hammer, then probably bleed out to finish the job. The key thing (in the feature idea) is they have 20 minutes to die or they forfeit).
So, a piss-ant means "an insignificant or contemptible person or thing." I agree Blake needs fleshing out more.
I had plans for the Sponsorship in the feature length version, sickos out there will sponsor anything. Basically, in the feature length, the main characters sister was in one of the events held by the Company. The Wheel isn't the only show this underground company runs. After following clues, our main character was lead to this dark underground scene.
The reason for the ending, gunshots over the credits, was because I had this vision of yelling and screaming and chaos over the black screen, with flashes of what's happening. I think I would film everything in case that effect didn't work the way I planned in editing.
I thought a lot about what weapon he would use, initially I was going to have him use the Shaving Knife, but I feel like a dark and powerful organisation like this would definitely have armed personnel around, and all contestants would be searched (unless he shoves a gun up his arse lol). Basically, the main character is still following the clues, he cannot believe where he has ended up and never thought it would go down like this.
Again, thank you for the feedback, it has helped a lot and I'll use your advice for another draft.
You did a good job explaining “the rules,” which I would say is pretty damn important in horror because the rules explain to the main character and audience how to survive given the circumstances. The main character was an active agent with a plan, which was good to see especially in a horror where characters can tend to be too passive.
I’m not a big fan of camera shots in scripts, however, when they are used sparingly, it does not bother me as much. I have been reading “The Poltergeist,” and it has camera shots on the first few pages (recommended reading). As Matthew said, it is definitely more acceptable for shooting scripts, but I would argue then it was not meant for me as the audience/reader but a production crew.
There is a school of thought that says, you can write the narrative description in such a way that it conveys the desired camera shot, without ever using the words “CAMERA” or “WE SEE.”
I think there are manageable issues with the writing, but the story idea worked. Drop that link when you have shot it. I would enjoy taking a look.
Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
Thank you for the feedback and I'm glad you liked the idea. 2019 I am going to try and tighten up my screenwriting more and will keep all the feedback I get in mind.
I am planning on making The Wheel next year, along with trying to get funding for a feature i'm working on, The Wheel will be used as a way of showing a visual style to the investors. So, all the feedback I get is worth a lot to me.