Intrigued by the log line, so I jumped in.
First thought - all the directions - 6 CUT TO's in the first page, why? it's very distracting to the read, unless you are planning to produce this yourself you can leave this stuff out unless it is really necessary, here I don't think it is.
Also, the UNKNOWN location doesn't help - what am I looking at? where is this woman? an empty room? any windows? I can't visualise anything
TELEVISION SCREEN -
The contestant wants to solve the word. (Itís something
subliminal to this story).
The above really annoyed me, very lazy, am I suppose to decide what the word is myself?
wow, brutal scene - Can someone bludgeon themselves to death with a claw hammer to the face? I don't know, after the first couple of blows, would they be able to carry on?
Don't much like Blakes dialogue, what's a piss-ant? Also, his escape attempt wasn't very convincing, think there needs to be more urgency here.
A commercial from sponsor - who would want to sponsor this? I would liked to have seen a little bit of it to be honest, would have pushed me further into this world.
I love the host, he has real character - His dialogue is spot on for me.
The ending, hmmm. We have got to the conclusion, and you are running credits over the top of it? Doesn't make sense to me. I also don't like Walkers line.
I also think it leaves too much hanging, why are these guys holding his sister? who's the boss? what happens next? - I think, having it that his sister killed herself as a contestant, and he is getting revenge, would rap the story up nicely.
I was also a little disappointed in him using a gun - I feel like he would have gone in there with a plan other than "I hope someone in there has a gun that I can grab" - I think it would have been more apt if he used the same tools that the contestants use to kill themselves - but that's just me.
Now all of the above sounds negative. But I really enjoyed this story, visually I think it would be great - I loved the host. could probably have seen more of walker in the run up (clutching a picture of his sister or something?)
Anyway. Hope this gets picked up as I would love to watch it.