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Don
Posted: November 30th, 2018, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Wheel by Joel Champ - Short, Horror - An underground game show exploits contestant willing to commit suicide. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: December 4th, 2018, 8:50am Report to Moderator
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Good Evening

Intrigued by the log line, so I jumped in.

First thought - all the directions - 6 CUT TO's in the first page, why? it's very distracting to the read, unless you are planning to produce this yourself you can leave this stuff out unless it is really necessary, here I don't think it is.

Also, the UNKNOWN location doesn't help - what am I looking at? where is this woman? an empty room? any windows? I can't visualise anything


Quoted Text
TELEVISION SCREEN -
The contestant wants to solve the word. (Itís something
subliminal to this story).


The above really annoyed me, very lazy, am I suppose to decide what the word is myself?

wow, brutal scene - Can someone bludgeon themselves to death with a claw hammer to the face? I don't know, after the first couple of blows, would they be able to carry on?

Don't much like Blakes dialogue, what's a piss-ant? Also, his escape attempt wasn't very convincing, think there needs to be more urgency here.

A commercial from sponsor - who would want to sponsor this? I would liked to have seen a little bit of it to be honest, would have pushed me further into this world.

I love the host, he has real character - His dialogue is spot on for me.

The ending, hmmm. We have got to the conclusion, and you are running credits over the top of it? Doesn't make sense to me. I also don't like Walkers line.

I also think it leaves too much hanging, why are these guys holding his sister? who's the boss? what happens next? - I think, having it that his sister killed herself as a contestant, and he is getting revenge, would rap the story up nicely.

I was also a little disappointed in him using a gun - I feel like he would have gone in there with a plan other than "I hope someone in there has a gun that I can grab" - I think it would have been more apt if he used the same tools that the contestants use to kill themselves - but that's just me.

Now all of the above sounds negative. But I really enjoyed this story, visually I think it would be great - I loved the host. could probably have seen more of walker in the run up (clutching a picture of his sister or something?)

Anyway. Hope this gets picked up as I would love to watch it.

Good job

Matt


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JoelC
Posted: December 6th, 2018, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Matthew,

Thanks a lot for the review and feedback, I really appreciate it. This is the first time I've shared a script with anyone outside my circle here in Australia. As you hinted, all my writing is initially planned to be made by myself. So, for you to shred it apart like this makes me happy. The feedback I usually receive is "That's good Joel - Let's make it Joel" when in reality I want people to tell me what sucks about it.

The CUT TO's I will get rid of and I'll replace the UNKNOWN location to WAREHOUSE.

The (It's something subliminal to this story) bit that annoyed you was written like that because, honestly I wasn't sure if I could even get the rights to TV gameshow footage or which episode/word would be used. I felt the reader would get the point.

For money, I believe someone could beat themselves to near death with a hammer, then probably bleed out to finish the job. The key thing (in the feature idea) is they have 20 minutes to die or they forfeit).

So, a piss-ant means "an insignificant or contemptible person or thing." I agree Blake needs fleshing out more.

I had plans for the Sponsorship in the feature length version, sickos out there will sponsor anything. Basically, in the feature length, the main characters sister was in one of the events held by the Company. The Wheel isn't the only show this underground company runs. After following clues, our main character was lead to this dark underground scene.

The reason for the ending, gunshots over the credits, was because I had this vision of yelling and screaming and chaos over the black screen, with flashes of what's happening. I think I would film everything in case that effect didn't work the way I planned in editing.

I thought a lot about what weapon he would use, initially I was going to have him use the Shaving Knife, but I feel like a dark and powerful organisation like this would definitely have armed personnel around, and all contestants would be searched (unless he shoves a gun up his arse lol). Basically, the main character is still following the clues, he cannot believe where he has ended up and never thought it would go down like this.

Again, thank you for the feedback, it has helped a lot and I'll use your advice for another draft.

Cheers,
Joel Champ
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: December 7th, 2018, 4:19am Report to Moderator
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If you are making it yourself you can leave in all the transitions and directions you want - I wen't into the read thinking it was a spec script, not a shooting script.

There is a section on this site where you can offer to review someone else's work in exchange for them reviewing yours - would be well worth as go for you.

Also, comment on some of the active forum members works and they will be more likely to return the favour.

Good luck to you. Keep us posted as I would like to watch this when it is done.

Matt


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