SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is May 22nd, 2019, 9:05am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)

Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Ruin Your Day App
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Ruin Your Day App  (currently 90 views)
Posted: March 5th, 2019, 11:40am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
Ruin Your Day APP by Maurice Vaughan - Short, Comedy, Drama - A bullied high school student downloads a strange app on his phone that has bizarre powers he uses to humiliate and ruin his bully. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Site Private Message
Matthew Taylor
Posted: March 6th, 2019, 9:24am Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Shakespeare's county
Posts Per Day
Good Afternoon Maurice (Or Good Morning/Evening depending on where you are)

You have committed two cardinal sins straight away in this short.
1) Dialogue immediately following a slugline - This is always a no. Screenplays are meant to be visual, what are we looking at? Yeah, your slug tells us we are in a classroom, but who's there? set the tone and mood with the visuals.
2) Character not introduced BEFORE they have dialogue - You need to introduce them first, otherwise, I (or a producer/director/whoever) has absolutely no idea what we are looking at.

Now that is out of the way, the story:

I like it. it has a clear theme, the protag and antag both follow their own arcs, good conflict and pacing. Looks to be easy to film as well.

With that being said, this is a good story told badly. The dialogue is very on the nose, unnatural, try speaking the parts with a friend and you will see what I mean. Even when he is talking to himself, it would be weird to hear.

The bully revealing his emotions was a bit out of the blue as well, he just kind of yelled it at him. it needs to be earned, the two need to connect on a more emotional level.

Read some scripts, bad ones and good ones, read the reviews of those scripts. It's a really good way to learn.

Best of luck to you


Mr Repent (In Pre-production)
Inbox (1)
While the Gentlemen Go By

My Website

DISCLAIMER: I am an uproduced amateur, if I comment on your work, please bear that in mind
Private Message Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006