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The primary purpose of the SimplyScripts Discussion Board is the discussion of unproduced screenplays. If you are a producer or director lookng for your next project, the works here are available for option, purchase or production only if you receive permission from the author.
NOTE: these screenplays are NOT in the public domain and MAY NOT be used or reproduced for any purpose (including eductional purposes) without the expressedwrittenpermission of the author.
Ruin Your Day APP by Maurice Vaughan - Short, Comedy, Drama - A bullied high school student downloads a strange app on his phone that has bizarre powers he uses to humiliate and ruin his bully. 6 pages - pdf format
Good Afternoon Maurice (Or Good Morning/Evening depending on where you are)
You have committed two cardinal sins straight away in this short. 1) Dialogue immediately following a slugline - This is always a no. Screenplays are meant to be visual, what are we looking at? Yeah, your slug tells us we are in a classroom, but who's there? set the tone and mood with the visuals. 2) Character not introduced BEFORE they have dialogue - You need to introduce them first, otherwise, I (or a producer/director/whoever) has absolutely no idea what we are looking at.
Now that is out of the way, the story:
I like it. it has a clear theme, the protag and antag both follow their own arcs, good conflict and pacing. Looks to be easy to film as well.
With that being said, this is a good story told badly. The dialogue is very on the nose, unnatural, try speaking the parts with a friend and you will see what I mean. Even when he is talking to himself, it would be weird to hear.
The bully revealing his emotions was a bit out of the blue as well, he just kind of yelled it at him. it needs to be earned, the two need to connect on a more emotional level.
Read some scripts, bad ones and good ones, read the reviews of those scripts. It's a really good way to learn.