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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Concorde Rising
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  Author    Concorde Rising  (currently 669 views)
StephenM
Posted: September 23rd, 2019, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this had legs, the characters stuck with me and parts were good weird and funny. Just wondering if it's a bit of a mash-up for a pilot, and maybe it should be more about the gaining of the theatre and and fleshing out the 3 main characters in that process, rather than about dating and hanging out in the arcade and brooding on ex (which could be saved for another episode). Incidently, is this UK and is hanging out and drinking in an arcade a thing? Also I'd structure the dating app rejection before the drunken arcade scene as it gives Sam more reason to get drunk and would all flow a bit better. Keep at it - it's good!

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Seb
Posted: September 26th, 2019, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Stephen. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I think you read an older version. I've submitted the latest draft to this website, but here's a link to it. I did streamline it to buying the theatre and fleshing out the main characters. This is also complete rewrite of the version that Sam most recently read.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1kw9pnFxYvIbNxEKqok-D_dRHIL1H7-c1/view?usp=sharing
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StephenM
Posted: October 8th, 2019, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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I'll have another look - thanks!
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StephenM
Posted: October 8th, 2019, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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I reckon the characters are there and the general humour is unique and original and it's a great premis, it may be just the structure is a bit over-complex, this is only my opinion but:

Buying a theatre to impress a girl he’s met for first time is a major ask in terms of suspension of disbelief and a tad creepy, be better if he has a flirty conversation, gets on a bit of a high and ends up talking to the owner at the bar, then wakes up hungover with the title deeds scrumpled in his hand and can't remember. The girl chemistry stuff can then be a slow burn for the series.
The X-wing diarrhea is very trainspotting and I imagine would limit audience as it's pretty adult, plus I don't think he could ever come back from that in terms of being attractive to the girl.
Maybe you just use the same great dialogue and wit and have him discovering how bad every thing at the theatre and things get worse and worse but he finds a purpose to his life in gettin it going.

That said, excellent work, keep it up!
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Seb
Posted: October 9th, 2019, 7:26am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Stephen, I feel like the last rewrite was a massive step forward.

It's meant to be creepy on Sam's part. In fact the scene with the X wing and Kate finding out why Sam originally bought the theatre serves to make Kate realise something isn't right with him. Maybe it's too gross out and I could replace the diarrhoea with vomit (I didn't think I'd be saying that today.) But basically, Kate's not meant to like him.

I wrote an episode 3 (Out of 6, so the series midpoint) which shows where the Sam / Kate storyline is going. I'd be interested to see your thoughts on it.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1WHl3DTtsGPtu4lCcYgFtQq4BSK6NbHK4/view?usp=sharing
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StephenM
Posted: October 9th, 2019, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, definitely an improvement from first draft and you're right, it's hard to picture the relationship arcs from one episode.

Sure, I'll have a look, if you feel like doing a swap that's my Changes Sitcom Episode below yours in the feed, it's more surreal in nature but has a few parallels, divorced guy, dating etc Be great to have some fresh eyes on on it. I'll try and have a run through in the next day or so.
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Seb
Posted: October 9th, 2019, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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Sounds great. I'll give it a read in the morning and send you my thoughts
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StephenM
Posted: October 11th, 2019, 5:45am Report to Moderator
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Yup read it, it's definitely got a flow to it and the dialogue is great. The Sam character is now coming accross as a narcisist of sorts, particularly the suicide date. Is he going to change or is something going to trigger him to be a bit nicer/moral/sober Are we supposed to not like him or feel empathy in the long run?

It's certainly pushing boundaries and would not be for a main stream audience, but I imagine that not what your going for anyway.

Reading this ep I think you came in too steep with the pilot having a play at the end.  Just a suggestion but maybe an overall plot arc would be in the pilot he just finds out what is wrong with the place and that it is in debt, then each episode deals with getting the play up and running (which the theatres survival hinges on) and tackling the various obstacles per episode (stage collapses/actor dies/creditors keep visiting/whatever) and then you run your B stories and the Sam/Kate,  relationship throughout. The Sam character gradually becomies a better person as he tackles each obstacle but still 1 step forward 2 steps back. The final episode would then be the play night and whatever final obstacle ensues. Just a thought, maybe you have a totally different idea.

Are you planning on sending this out to producers when your happy with it, be interested to know your approach. Cheers Steve
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Seb
Posted: October 12th, 2019, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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That's pretty much Sam's journey. He's a mess that's stuck in a series of negative cycles and his behaviour alienates his friends. He won't be cured or better by the end of the series as that'd be unrealistic, but he takes early steps to breaking his cycles that are rewarded with his friendships being mended.

Funnily enough, the original concept for the show was that it was a group of friends putting on one show together and the series would end with the show.

I thought it'd be better for each episode to revolve around a particular show to add more flavour to each episode, with Phantom of the Opera one week and Les Mis the next, etc.

I'm pitching the show for a competition and will submit the pilot episode to any relevant competitions or opportunities. I'd love to get this made one day. Who knows?

I'd be interested to know where you see each of the characters heading by the end of the series

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Seb  -  October 12th, 2019, 5:46pm
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StephenM
Posted: October 13th, 2019, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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I still reckon there needs to be a fairly solid  glimmer of hope/improvement each ep with the character Sam otherwise people will lose interest as he'll become too unlikeable. But I reckon at some stage you just throw caution to the wind and do what you think works.

I'll look out for the next installment - you thinking of entering in the BBC Writers Room comp?
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Seb
Posted: November 1st, 2019, 6:39am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I'm planning on entering it to the writers room comp and a few other things too.

I've written an Episode 2 for this series which can be found here. If anybody would like to give me some feedback on it then I'd really appreciate it. https://drive.google.com/file/d/1TCVAMXxk6NeRZ32eR-camqf43oJKER1P/view?usp=sharing
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