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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  High Life
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Don
Posted: September 9th, 2019, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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High Life by Christine Locker & Lee Ann Riddle - Short, Comedy - A woman's paranoia is heightened by her pot smoking when an unknown intruder breaks in. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Matthew Taylor
Posted: September 10th, 2019, 6:02am Report to Moderator
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Hello to you both

You went a bit overboard with the O.S sounds. It's a small style choice I guess, but they became irksome.
You give us the location of the sound, and that it is O.S - given the location is not the current location, it's too much IMHO.
"SMASH of glass from the kitchen..." OR
"SMASH of glass O.S..."
I'd pick one, not both.

The story was a bit "meh" - It's a punchline comedy but the punchline is predictable and not entirely funny.
Being high doesn't really play into the story at all - could have played out the same if she was sober, so I would revisit how being high can complicate the story and take it in some funny directions.
There are no real consequences - the cops show up but are convinced quickly and easily that nothing untoward is going on and they leave. Nick also recovers from being unconscious quickly with nothing more than a sore head.

I think you could revisit and pump up the comedy in this - a comedy of errors - Nick is still unconscious for example when the police arrive, attempt to arrest Trudy thinking she is the burgular and (being high) leads them on a chase around the house.
as it is, I don't think this stands out very much.

But hopefully I am wrong and someone loves it and films it  

Best of luck to you

Matt


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Kevin_S
Posted: September 10th, 2019, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hello,

Just a thought.  She calls 911. The storm has police running behind.  Trudy sitting there on the couch and the dark figure BOLTS by her.  She almost yelps.  Investigates and finds the intruder in the bathroom.  The sounds of heavy bowel movements.  She tells 911 he's using the potty.  The dark figure exits the bathroom. Didn't wash his hands. She tells 911 the perp didn't wash his hands. Isn't that like a felony?  

Goes to the refrigerator.  The dark figure makes a sandwich.  911 asks what's happening. She tells them he's eating her leftovers . Not to charge him with that.  He was doing her a favor.  Then her friend knocks on the door and hollers Trudy name.  The dark figure with knife in hand goes toward her best friend at the door. She has to act. Can't wait for police any longer.  Can't let her friend be stabbed.  She whacks him.  Runs to the door. She's proud. She just saved the day etc.....

Then when Nick goes to touch her face to reassure her it's okay she whacks him again.  For not washing his hands.

Just a thought.  If what I said  doesn't really work for you. Hopefully it will spur up some ideas for you. All the best !
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