SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is January 26th, 2022, 9:22pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Overdue
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Overdue  (currently 563 views)
Don
Posted: January 2nd, 2020, 9:05am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
15136
Posts Per Day
1.97
Overdue by Jason K. Allen - Short, Comedy, Dramedy - Hoping to go straight and live a simpler, stress-free life, a mob boss steals away to a small town and becomes a librarian. But it won't be easy because he's paranoid, hot-tempered and prone to violence. Just pray your library books aren't overdue. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
eldave1
Posted: January 2nd, 2020, 11:26am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6536
Posts Per Day
2.39
Jason - the writing's fine.

I'd probably give the ASSISTANT and the MANAGER a gender and age.

The story - kind of peters out for me.

SPOILERS

Okay - cool  enough premise - fish out of water. Got a 8 year-old mafia type kid running the library. The problem for me is that there wasn't any logical reason for the existence of the premise. Other than a  vague "he made me an offer.."No reason for anyone to tolerate the kid working there. No customers complain about him, no one's shocked that an 8 year old is running the place.

Long winded way of saying while I find the set-up funny, I couldn't quite get by the this would never happen thought in my mind.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 3
JohnMcCarthy
Posted: January 4th, 2020, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Madison, WI
Posts
36
Posts Per Day
0.05
Jason, I loved this little piece! Laughed out loud pretty much throughout. I agree with the above post that it sort of peters out a bit at the end, but disagree that the premise is off-putting. Sure the idea is absurd, but so was "Home Alone" and that seemed to work fairly well. With a slightly different ending I truly believe that this would make for a fun, entertaining--and possibly award-winning--short subject. Great work!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 3
MikeCashman
Posted: January 12th, 2022, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Boerne, Texas
Posts
61
Posts Per Day
0.05
An 8 year old mob boss?  Not really finding the story to be believable.  He walks around the library and everyone fears him.  He speaks to everyone with no respect and threatens others.  An 8 year old?  I did not find this to be enjoyable.  If this was supposed to be a comedy, I didn't find humor in this.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 3
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006