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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Overdue
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  Author    Overdue  (currently 563 views)
Posted: January 2nd, 2020, 9:05am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Overdue by Jason K. Allen - Short, Comedy, Dramedy - Hoping to go straight and live a simpler, stress-free life, a mob boss steals away to a small town and becomes a librarian. But it won't be easy because he's paranoid, hot-tempered and prone to violence. Just pray your library books aren't overdue. - pdf format

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Posted: January 2nd, 2020, 11:26am Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Southern California
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Jason - the writing's fine.

I'd probably give the ASSISTANT and the MANAGER a gender and age.

The story - kind of peters out for me.


Okay - cool  enough premise - fish out of water. Got a 8 year-old mafia type kid running the library. The problem for me is that there wasn't any logical reason for the existence of the premise. Other than a  vague "he made me an offer.."No reason for anyone to tolerate the kid working there. No customers complain about him, no one's shocked that an 8 year old is running the place.

Long winded way of saying while I find the set-up funny, I couldn't quite get by the this would never happen thought in my mind.

My Scripts can all be seen here:
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Posted: January 4th, 2020, 4:30pm Report to Moderator

Madison, WI
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Jason, I loved this little piece! Laughed out loud pretty much throughout. I agree with the above post that it sort of peters out a bit at the end, but disagree that the premise is off-putting. Sure the idea is absurd, but so was "Home Alone" and that seemed to work fairly well. With a slightly different ending I truly believe that this would make for a fun, entertaining--and possibly award-winning--short subject. Great work!
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Posted: January 12th, 2022, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Boerne, Texas
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An 8 year old mob boss?  Not really finding the story to be believable.  He walks around the library and everyone fears him.  He speaks to everyone with no respect and threatens others.  An 8 year old?  I did not find this to be enjoyable.  If this was supposed to be a comedy, I didn't find humor in this.
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