Lucky Harry by Barry John Terblanche - Short, Comedy -  A suicidal old man is interrupted by a house burglar. An unlikely, yet necessary relationship soon bonds them together. Harry just what's a bullet!  22 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, Barry. I gave the first few pages a look. Quite a few mistakes on display, but far from unsalvageable.

Main thing is you need to break up your action limes a bit more. Think of every line of prose as a shot in a movie.

I also think you tend to writer a bit too passively. Lots of words ending in "ing". A few here and there are fine, but try to mix it up. Makes for a smoother read.

Noticed quite a few typos in the few pages I did read.

All that said, I like the set up. A robber accidently interrupts a man's suicide. Lots of potential for comedy.

Hey, I like the whole set-up with the robber and a suicidal guy. Plenty of potential there.

I would consider maybe flipping the roles a bit more. Right now they're both kind of angry and cursing a lot. Maybe the suicidal guy is dead calm and the robber is nervous as hell, getting increasingly freaked out by the odd situation.