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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  S.A.D.
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  Author    S.A.D.  (currently 137 views)
Don
Posted: September 12th, 2021, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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S.A.D. by Steven Sallie - Short, Comedy - Jason, a man suffering from Social Anxiety Disorder, must venture out into the world to get groceries. Can he survive? 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: September 12th, 2021, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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Enjoyed this one, Steven. Just a couple of nit issues.

The opening is a little clunky. e.g.,



Quoted Text
INT. JASONíS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Standing at the door is JASON (late 20s/early 30s, wearing a
hoodie). Car keys clutched tightly in his grip, eyes locked
straight ahead, trying desperately to bring himself to leave.


Make it active - stands - vs is standing and settle on an age. e.g., It's also a bit overwitten. Maybe:

INT. JASONíS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MORNING

JASON (25), clad in a hoodie stands at the door.  Car keys clutched in his grip, eyes locked
straight ahead.

I would use beats rather than waste them. e.g., this:


Quoted Text
JASON (V.O.)
Not sure what it is about the
world we live in, but Iíve never
understood why people canít just
let you live your life and leave
you alone. But, no. Everyone is
obsessed with asking you how your
dayís going or how youíre doing.
(beat)
They donít care how Iím doing, and
I donít care how theyíre doing, so
why canít they just leave me
alone?
(beat)
A couple people I can somewhat
handle. As long as I donít run
into a bunch of people, I should
be okay


Can be exploited to be this:

JASON (V.O.)
Not sure what it is about the
world we live in, but Iíve never
understood why people canít just
let you live your life and leave
you alone. But, no. Everyone is
obsessed with asking you how your
dayís going or how youíre doing.
(looks over shoulder)
They donít care how Iím doing, and
I donít care how theyíre doing, so
why canít they just leave me
alone?
(big inhale/exhale)
A couple people I can somewhat
handle. As long as I donít run
into a bunch of people, I should
be okay

Anyway - like I said - nits. I know someone with this disorder - you captured in pretty well, IMO. Nice work


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AlexanderLR
Posted: September 13th, 2021, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Yeah i could relate to this one a lot. I haven't yet been diagnosed but i'm pretty certain i've got either this or possibly autism. I find it difficult to leave the house as i'm always thinking people are watching me from their windows. If i see someone walking towards me i'll subtly hold my breath. The worst is having to walk past a long queue of people in their cars. It really is draining. The good thing though is i'm in my twenties and so i have time to figure out what's going on and there are so many options out there for help.
I can't tell you the amount of times i've forgotten something and been so hard on myself!
And i do wish i could speak my mind about how i'm feeling, rather than just agreeing with people all the time and bottling things up.
Anyway enough about me! Liked this a lot.
Especially...
                      In the aisle, the most horrifying thing he can imagine...PEOPLE.

Just one mistake, psychically should be physically.
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