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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Wrong Place, Right Time
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  Author    Wrong Place, Right Time  (currently 231 views)
Don
Posted: November 13th, 2021, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Wrong Place, Right Time by Heidi Strand - Short, Comedy, Drama, Fantasy - A brilliant inventor, who needs to sell his inventions to pay for his sick wife's treatment, struggles with always being at the right place at the wrong time. 17 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice


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ColinS
Posted: November 16th, 2021, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

I gave this one a read and came out with mixed feelings. There was a lot to like - Especially the world you had created for Natalie and Ernst. It certainly felt like an animated caricature of the couples story. Almost like a silent cartoon using reactions and prop effects to tell the story and capture the character emotions. Like the light bulb for instance for Ernst's eureka moments. Also loved the heart stuff, thought that was really sweet.

I only have two gripes about the story, the first one was pretty key to my enjoyment of reading it - I found it quite hard to grasp at times.  Things throw me a bit like the cup of the coffee appearing in mid air or Ernst's finding himself in the Earths atmosphere. Now I appreciate that both these events are explained in other parts of the story and are quite clever, but I did have to back track on the latter one to make sense of it.

The second gripe is simply - What a glum ending. Both of them die! I liked them, didn't want it to end like that. Any way some very creative writing on display here, well done.
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JakeJon
Posted: November 18th, 2021, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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H & S,
Yikes! Yikes! Yikes!  Creative and Colorful.  eg, an acid trip in a Crayola factory.   Fun and easy to read; a very cute story.   Put me in a  "Le Petit Prince" mood.  Good Stuff!
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