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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Sunday
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  Author    Sunday  (currently 880 views)
Don
Posted: January 14th, 2017, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sunday by Matt Powell - Short, Drama - Two friends argue over an allergy that may be a figment of one's imagination. 5 pages

production Budget: Minimal. Access to a Deli or (convenience store front). Two sandwiches. A sedan and other minor accessories.  - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Marcela
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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Matt, I got intrigued by the title, as my husband also seems to have some strange allergies...
I read your script twice and struggled terribly, maybe because it was like reading my own script - overwritten on information. Especially the beginning was very difficult, you are just describing what's happening, what he does, and it's not interesting enough for the reader. The same applies to the first bunch of dialogues - in fact they seem to be monologues, the characters ramble on for too long.
As I said, it's a very good insight into my own work. Now I understand a little better what I'm guilty of, at least I hope so. Please don't get offended and I hope somebody else gives you more constructive feedback.



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Marcela  -  January 15th, 2017, 4:19pm
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Fausto
Posted: January 16th, 2017, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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Matt,
I'm not sure if this is a real "drama" maybe more a dramedy.
Also, the action blocks are too long and unnecessarily complicated. Remember, the readers (professional and occasional) want to read to-the-point action. No distractions. I like your "street" dialogue. Again, don't make it too long....friends don't make speeches when they communicate.
A good rewrite will do it. You have a good premise.
All my best,
Fausto
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RichardR
Posted: January 17th, 2017, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

I think this could be a very funny bit.  Guy in trunk to get over claustrophobia, guy driving trying to get over his germophobia.  But I think you can push this.  The guy driving should have a number of OCD habits to keep himself from germs.  The guy in the trunk should have any number of devices and talismans to keep the demons out of the trunk.  Go over the top.  Make it really funny.

Best
Richard
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