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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  The Large Window
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  Author    The Large Window  (currently 1600 views)
Don
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Large Window by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Drama - A middle-aged man and a young woman struggle to plan a happy life together -- until reality obliterates their future.  5 pages - pdf, format

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SAC
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Interesting correlation between the couple and the 9/11 angle. Perhaps instead of a super saying the date you can have Andrew exclaim - "Is that a plane?" Then cut to his letterhead on his desk that says WTC. Just an idea, but that might be more effective than the super.

Otherwise, you can tighten this up slightly with your phrasing in certain passages, but that's just my personal preference. Pretty well written as is. Good luck with it!

Steve


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Marcela
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Fausto, I like the title. When it comes to your logline, you need to mention that the middle-aged man is married - being married is much bigger problem than the age gap.
I liked the script, especially the dialogues. I like your action lines too - they are short but to the point.
I found a few mistakes:
Did you talk with your wife? should be Did you talk to your wife?
Do you really want to get marry? should be Do you really want to get married?
I was a little disappointed with her being pregnant, that's very cliched. Something more interesting, unique, would be good.
I liked the ending. Perhaps quite predictable, but I didn't mind that much.
Keep up good work,
Marcela


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LuisAnthony
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with Marcela on the whole pregnant situation, you can definitely tighten that up. Some of the phrasing needs work, although the action lines were well written. Some of the dialogue I felt was on the nose. I do like the ending, maybe I'm scatterbrained but I didn't find it predictable, it quite surprised me.

Good Luck,
Luis
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Fausto
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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Steven, thank you very much for your review and suggestions. I will read again the script and see where I can tighten up the dialogue. In my imaginatrion, the appearence of the plane was immediate. By the way, I was in the WTC building #7 (it came down in the afternoon after we evacuated), no time to see it.
Thanks again.
Fausto
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Fausto
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Marcela,
thank you for your review. The problem with mistakes in the dialogue is that I wrote many versions of it and some phrasing was left and mixed with the new dialogue. I will be more careful next time. I will correct the present script. Regarding the pregnancy, I thought it would increase the drama of the relationship before their demise. Actually, it happened at my office with an executive and her secretary. My office was in WTC building #7 (it came down on 9/11 afternoon).
I appreciate your corrections.
Fausto
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Fausto
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Luis,
thank you very much for your review and suggestions. I explained to Marcela the reason why I put the "pregnancy" part. Regarding OTN dialogue, sometimes, I have the tendency to be too direct with the dialogue...in this script, I used OTN talk to reinforce the dramatic relationship between Andrew older) and the much younger Nicole. I wanted them to present clearly their drama before dying.
Have a great week.
Fausto
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RonH
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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Fausto,

I liked this for the most part. I agree with the other commentators that the dialog is a little clunky. Also when Nicole enters you switch slugs to -- "Minutes Later". I found this jump to be glaring, and would start the  exchange between the characters immediately.

As for the story, I think it would work better if the whole scene builds toward some sort of resolution for the couple, before the impact. Perhaps the issue of the abortion has already been thought through, and they've now come to some sort of mutual agreement. When some sense of normalcy has been returned to them, I think the final moments would payoff more powerfully.

P.S. I can't imagine what you must've witnessed that day. Glad you made it out of there safe.  

My best,
Ron H
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eldave1
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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Great premise!

SPOLIERS

Well executed for the most part. I wasn't crazy about the do you want to marry me sequence - seemed forced.

I also - don't like them seeing the plane coming and screaming. Would have preferred they were talking about their future - planning - and out of their view the plane approaches the window.

Nice job here, fella.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Fausto
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Ron,
thank you very much for your review and comments. They way I develop the story is to show the contrast between the resolution of their problems and their death.
Andrew accepts the pregnancy, Nicole saves the child and they choose the church where they are going to get married. Then, the plane crashes into the 95th floor (their office) and they die instantly.
This was my intention.

From my office window in WTC building #7 (the third to fall in the afternoon), I saw the first airplane crashing against Tower #1. Soon after, our building was evacuated but the subway, cars, taxis were not running...I had to walk Uptown  (10 miles) and spend the night there in a bar. The city was under the control of the US military.
It's was terrible.
Thanks again.
Have a nice week,
Fausto
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Fausto
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Eldave,
thank you for your comments. I agree with you, maybe the "want to marry me" section should be improved. However, I believe it's necessary to show the level of intimacy between the executive and the young employee. Maybe for him, it's just an affair but for her marriage is the ultimate goal. I wrote the ending this way to emphasize the instantaneity of the deadly impact.  They died at the moment they had finished planning their future together.
I thank you for your always appreciated input.
Have a nice week.
Fausto
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eldave1
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Fausto
Hi Eldave,
thank you for your comments. I agree with you, maybe the "want to marry me" section should be improved. However, I believe it's necessary to show the level of intimacy between the executive and the young employee. Maybe for him, it's just an affair but for her marriage is the ultimate goal. I wrote the ending this way to emphasize the instantaneity of the deadly impact.  They died at the moment they had finished planning their future together.
I thank you for your always appreciated input.
Have a nice week.
Fausto


I agree that the wedding needs to stay - only complaint is that he shouldn't have been surprised by her desire. They would have had that talk before. Just to add - I thought this was really good work.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Fausto
Posted: January 16th, 2017, 8:21am Report to Moderator
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Hi Eldave,
I deeply value your words.
Thank you!
Fausto
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Kirsten
Posted: January 16th, 2017, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hi Fausto,

Nice premise, I like the story. Did not see it coming!  Yeah the pregnacy topic could be changed to something more orginal, and I do like the idea Ron put forward about making the end normal for them, then the plane hits.

Good short, just needs tightening up. Hope someone snaps it up....!


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Fausto
Posted: January 16th, 2017, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Kristen
thank you very much for your review and suggestion. A couple of points: The pregnancy is there to emphasize her urgency to get married. I don't know what could compel the older man to marry her other than a pregnancy especially considering that she doesn't want to have an abortion. Regarding the ending, they have planned to get married after the man's divorce...they are fine before the tragedy that destroyed their lives. I hope I explained correctly what my intentions.
Have a nice week and again thanks!
Fausto
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