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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Candy, Girl Reporter
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  Author    Candy, Girl Reporter  (currently 1017 views)
Don
Posted: January 21st, 2017, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Candy, Girl Reporter by Linda Gould - Short, Drama - At UCLA during the early 1970s, an aspiring reporter covers an up-and-coming rock and roll band and falls in love with its lead guitarist.  13 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 8th, 2017, 5:50pm
revised draft
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Kirsten
Posted: January 24th, 2017, 6:36am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hi Linda

SPOILERS
I think you have a way with writing humor. I really liked the opening scene with the Host, you made her obnoxious personality shine. It was funny, and the scene with the janitor and the haunted water fountain was well done too.

You write well, I can tell you know how to do that, your action scenes are well done and dialogue is good.

I did find the story a bit flat though. There wasn't alot of character development. Ive been told this a million times myself. I didnt really care for any of them. She is on a show for writing a book, a best seller, then we see a bit of the story, but thats it.

I think this would make a better feature than a short. So we can get into her romance and friendship and really feel her pain when she is betrayed...

Wrylies need to be less and under the character name with the correct margin. Try to use action lines instead of wrylies as much as you can.

"CANDY (gazing at her
roommate with newfound distrust)
What do you mean, sophisticated?
You mean someone involved in
radical politics? Like you, maybe"

Instead of this wrylie, do an action line eg..Candy gazes at her roommate  with a look of newfound distrust.

Her telling him shes pregnant before they go on seemed highly dramatic to me, especially the timing of it. He has to go out and perform after hes been told hes going to be a dad and hes being suspected of having an affair.  There didnt seem to be a bigger reaction to it. Something you might expect.  I felt that it was just brushed off in the story. I would think that maybe the band caused a riot because he was already in a bad mood from the news. And that the band fell apart because of his irresponsibility and infidelity..???? Just an example...

And just look up formatting, stage direction and sluglines have the same margin. There is a formatting guide on this site under writers resources...

Great writing, great humour, im looking forward to more work from you......keep at it!


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Lgould
Posted: January 24th, 2017, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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Kirsten,

Thanks for all your good suggestions. I will study them carefully. "Candy, Girl Reporter," is actually an excerpt from a full-length feature called "Handmaidens of Rock." As you noted, it is difficult to fit a multitude of themes into a short work and still have well-developed characters and a well-paced plot. But I'll continue to work on it.  

Linda
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