Low Profile by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - Forgetting her parents wedding anniversary a girl with a broken arm turns to her brother for help. 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Simon,

The logline reads awkwardly.

I like a title page.

Your details at the top of every page are unnecessary.

So this story just meanders around for a few pages with no real substance and then ends in a very cringe worthy way. I don't feel anything for either of your characters.

I can kind of see what you tried to do, but I personally feel you fell short.

All the best.

Some notes

The writing has far too many errors and mistakes.  Needs a thorough edit.  the story itself seems a one-trick pony.  He wants to take her with him to visit mom and dad; she doesn't want to go.  It goes on for 6 minutes.  Needs more.

Best
Richard

The ending's too sugary for me, lol. I was hoping for some kind of twist. This wasn't the most entertaining script I've read, but you could probably write for Neighbours if they'd let you. Laura's always getting into trouble, even though she seems to come from the ideal family? Maybe that needs a bit of explaining. It just seemed a little weird to me. A few grammar mistakes, here and there, also.