Good potential with the story, but the base writing needs work.
> The walls are painted.
Titles to characters
> Elderly Man, Woman, Second Man
Just name them and be done with it. Eliminate confusion.
I'm Mara and this is my brother Albert.
Pleased to meet you yada yada.
Who talks like this:
Do you know whom we are?
I don't think they need to ask because I'd be pretty certain Martin's a smart ghost and knows his grandchildren.
So this is the part where it's all off in terms of dialogue.
We bring gifts from life into death.
What gifts are they bringing? Zilch. They're wanting a gift, however.
When Mara says we have one question- What happened to the people working with you in the mine?
I'm wondering why she asks or even cares.
They were killed by the rebels.
Of course! It's always those gosh darn rebels!
But seriously. It just sounds off and unreal.
I killed the man who pronounced the
curse against me. An African legend
says that I've liberated myself from
the curse when I killed him.
That kind of exposition is... I don't know what screen lingo is for it, but it's not good.
I think you need to show Martin alive and resolving his curse first. But of course he dies anyways.
I did find it funny when Mara says, Cursed? Nothing happened to you.
Also, this Grandpa doesn't seem to have any loving kind of emotional connection with the kids.
Doesn't ring true.
The kids never did go dig up those diamonds and still-- cursed.
I got a kick out of the bang bang. Don't mess with spiritism. It'll getcha every time.