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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Spiritism
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Don
Posted: August 13th, 2017, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Spiritism by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Drama - During a turbulent seance, a spirit reveals to the participants where a box with rare diamonds is hidden. But, is this the only revelation? 6 pages

production:Very low cost. Three actors and a room. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 14th, 2017, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Good potential with the story, but the base writing needs work.

Page 1
> The walls are painted.

Rather
Purple walls

Titles to characters
> Elderly Man, Woman, Second Man

Just name them and be done with it. Eliminate confusion.

How about

I'm Mara and this is my brother Albert.

Pleased to meet you yada yada.

Who talks like this:

Do you know whom we are?

And,

I don't think they need to ask because I'd be pretty certain Martin's a smart ghost and knows his grandchildren.

So this is the part where it's all off in terms of dialogue.

We bring gifts from life into death.

What gifts are they bringing? Zilch. They're wanting a gift, however.

When Mara says we have one question- What happened to the people working with you in the mine?

I'm wondering why she asks or even cares.

And then

They were killed by the rebels.

Of course! It's always those gosh darn rebels!   But seriously. It just sounds off and unreal.

Here

I killed the man who pronounced the
curse against me. An African legend
says that I've liberated myself from
the curse when I killed him.

That kind of exposition is... I don't know what screen lingo is for it, but it's not good.

I think you need to show Martin alive and resolving his curse first. But of course he dies anyways.

I did find it funny when Mara says, Cursed? Nothing happened to you.

Also, this Grandpa doesn't seem to have any loving kind of emotional connection with the kids.
Doesn't ring true.

The kids never did go dig up those diamonds and still-- cursed.

But still,

I got a kick out of the bang bang. Don't mess with spiritism. It'll getcha every time.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Fausto
Posted: August 15th, 2017, 7:11am Report to Moderator
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Sandra, you must have spent a lot of time commenting on my very faulty script. And for this, I thank you very much! I will rewrite the story taking into consideration your suggestions.
Thanks again for sharing your knowledge.
My best,
Fausto
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RichardR
Posted: August 15th, 2017, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

If grandpa broke the curse of the diamonds, why didn't he just cash them in?  Or maybe he did cash in one, and his wife died...oops.

And you might consider a last scene where the medium digs for the diamonds, doesn't find them, and dies of a heart attack?  Cursed or not?

Overall, a nice little tale.  I think the medium needs a bit of setup, something that points to the fact that he could cheat his clients.

Best
Richard
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Fausto
Posted: August 16th, 2017, 8:39am Report to Moderator
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Richard,
as always, very constructive suggestions. I need to work on this.
Thank you very much.
My best,
Fausto
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