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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Taxi
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  Author    Taxi  (currently 533 views)
Don
Posted: October 13th, 2017, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Taxi by Saffron - Short, Drama - Veronica faces a near death experience while travelling through Paris. 5 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 14th, 2017, 8:50am
revised draft
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Marty
Posted: November 10th, 2017, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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Saffron,

Congratulations on finishing your screenplay.

Just a couple of opinions and suggestions.

Your action is mostly telling us what is going on or what is around us.
Example:
EXT - PARIS - MID DAY
We see people and cars heading in all directions. There is a
busker near by playing his accordian surrounded by tourists
taking photographs. There is a Louis Vuitton shop near by
and we can see the Arc De Triumph in the distance.
-why not
EXT - PARIS - DAY
People and cars heading in all directions.
A BUSKER,
plays his accordion to the few willing to give him a listen.
Tourists line the streets, taking the usual photographs.
Customers rushing in and out from a Louis Vuitton shop.
In the distance, we can see the Arc De Triumph and it is beautiful.

I didn't care for the dialogue. Too many ugh's and ah's.  
Examples:
VERONICA
uughh, I’m actually going to a
casting thing.
VERONICA
Ugh hello? Look, I can’t be late so
please just step on it.
DRIVER
(Rage)
Aaah you stupid slut!

Also, I think with this two person story and the driver being such a focal piece in the entirety of it, you may want to consider giving him a name.
-Just my opinion.

Spoilers:
It went from the driver yelling at Veronica about eating in the taxi, to her wanting to get out, to the driver trying to assault her? Did I miss something in between? Was his intentions always to do that or was it because of a fit of rage?
End Spoilers:

Overall, it reads a little tough. For me at least.

I think you can make this work if you are willing to put the work into it. Rework it. Start with an outline and go from there.
Read. Write. Read. Repeat.

Best of luck to you with your current and future projects.

All the best,
Marty
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