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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Sorry I Couldn't Give You A Honeymoon
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  Author    Sorry I Couldn't Give You A Honeymoon  (currently 1657 views)
eldave1
Posted: May 9th, 2018, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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Daniel:

Excellent, excellent job for a  one pager.  Two areas IMO where it could be punched up.


Quoted Text
The Priest gives the Bride and Groom a handshake.


Pretty pedestrian. I would (a) just eliminate it or (b) give it a little more emotion to convey the Priest's emotional state. e.g., The Priest wipes a tear. His hand trembles as he takes the brides hand.

Something like that. I know it's a real nit, but he's a Priest knowing the doom that is coming and seems just a bit nonplussed about it.

I know you only had one page - but if you could fit it, the ending could be punched up by slowing the pace. You have:


Quoted Text
NAZI COMMANDER (V.O.)
(Yelling)
bereit Ziel Feuer
(Ready aim fire)


NAZI COMMANDER (V.O.)
(German, subtitled)
Ready...

The Bride squeezes the Groom's hand as the Priest steps away.

NAZI COMMANDER (V.O.)
(German, subtitled)
Aim...

GROOM
(to Bride)
Together - forever.

A kiss on the cheek from the Groom

NAZI COMMANDER (V.O.)
(German, subtitled)
Fire!

Or something like that - it's a delicious ending you have and IMO it comes just a bit too fast. I know - it's a one pager


Question for anyone (I honestly don't know the answer) - in scripts, when you intro a character as a generic (e.g., PRIEST, GROOM, BRIDE, etc.) do you cap the first letter in subsequent action sequences. i.e., should this:


Quoted Text
The priest gives the bride and groom a handshake.


be this:

The Priest gives the Bride and Groom a handshake.

I always do the latter - but I don't think I know the correct way.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: May 10th, 2018, 4:16am Report to Moderator
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@DanielW

For a one pager, I thought it was really effective.  Easy to film too.  The convention is everything contained within a wrylie (parenthetical) is in lower case, no uppercase, no capitalization.

Good luck with it.

Ghostie


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AustinT
Posted: May 13th, 2018, 1:55am Report to Moderator
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Hey Daniel,

Loved the script, so succinct, impacting.

I think Khamanna and Cat are onto something. It might be interesting to see them sad but accepting of their fate because they married each other, its the last great act of love.

Or keep the crying, I guess this would be more in the actual filming of the script, and leave it ambiguous. Are they crying because they are about to die or because  they were able to find a ray of happiness in their love for one another despite their awful situation?

I guess its all about the tone you were going for but as is it works for me.
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DanielW
Posted: May 14th, 2018, 7:42pm Report to Moderator
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Dave, Ghostie & Aus,

Appreciate the feedback, especially the tudoring aspect of your conversations.

Some fantastic ideas, and in hindsight, I should have moved it into the second page.

Daniel
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eldave1
Posted: May 14th, 2018, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanielW
Dave, Ghostie & Aus,

Appreciate the feedback, especially the tudoring aspect of your conversations.

Some fantastic ideas, and in hindsight, I should have moved it into the second page.

Daniel


My pleasure - it was a real solid script


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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