Page 1.
• “He comes to halt.” Could use an “a” try “He comes to a halt” or “He halts.”
• “He rises his hand and waves.” Use “raises”
Page 2.
• “to get good look.” Use “to get a good look.”
• “The bullet enters his forehead, and out the back of his head. Making a lake of his blood and puddles of brain matter in the snow. His body drops diving right into the lake of his own blood.” This reads okay, but it has some repetition in it. Try “The bullet enters his forehead, and out the back. His body drops into the lake of his blood and brain matter.”
Page 3.
• “EXT. SNOWY TUNDRA - DAY – CONTINUOUS” I don’t believe this is necessary. Take it out and see how it reads. It makes me stop and think time has passed, or it’s a separate story.
• “The sound of gun hammer cocking..” Use “The sound of a gun hammer cocking”
• “THE SHAPE So, your death.” Use “THE SHAPE So, you’re death?”
• Get rid of “He got him there.”
Page 4.
• “DEATH I was too late. I'm sorry Brother, I failed you. I always failed, especially when you needed me. And, now you're cuz of what I did. I'm sorry.” I think just using “DEATH I was too late. I'm sorry Brother, I failed you.” Will be fine. The rest of that dialogue is confusing. You could rewrite it, but I don’t think there is any point in it.
• “The end:” Center “the end” and get rid of the “:”.
I liked it. I would like to read it again though after the corrections. I think it would flow better. |
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