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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  For Money
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Don
Posted: September 29th, 2019, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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For Money by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - A money obsessed middle aged man asks his young underworld connected cousin to get him some work. Believing he'll now do anything for money that belief will be put to the test. 6 pages - pdf format

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MikeCashman
Posted: October 7th, 2019, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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Written pretty well.  Some minor spelling issues, and grammar errors.  Nothing critical.  Just re-read your script.  You'll find them.  Otherwise, I liked the story.  You could really put a twist on the ending.  Michael is obviously someone who can't control his money.  He also has used his connection, Robert, before for money, and Robert has never been repaid.  With Michael asking Robert for more money, and willing to do anything to have a steady cash flow, you could really end your story on a different note.

SPOILER / POSSIBLE ENDING:  So Michael picks up a girl, bound and gagged, to be taken to a certain location to be killed for money.  Michael states to Angela that he isn't going to harm her, regardless of the money.  Angela, now sitting in the front seat with her hands unbounded, and no longer gagged is smiling in the front seat.  She seems innocent and happy.  Angela turns to Michael and says, "Robert, I believe that is his name, mentioned your name.  He stated to others that were in the room when I was gagged and bounded that you were coming onboard because you needed money."  Michael starts to sweat.  He looks at Angela and she continues.  "Robert stated that he needed to get his money back that was given to you several times in the past."  Michael is now panicking.  The sweat is flowing down his face noticeably.  Michael looks again at Angela.  "What is wrong, Michael?  Stop the car.  There is no need to panic."  Michael slows the vehicle down and pulls off the road.  They sit for a minute in silence.  Michael looks over at Angela.  Angela says, "Robert can't trust you."  Angela pulls out a large jagged blade.  "Money is money."  And before Michael could do  anything to defend himself, in a swift motion, Angela slashes open Michael's throat.  Angela is driving on the road with Michael dead in the backseat.  She's on the phone.  A voice on the other end says, "So, you took care of it?"  Angela smiles, "Of course I did.  You can trust me, Robert.  I'll do anything for money."  Angela continues down the road laughing.

Just a thought.  You don't have to alter your story, and I am not telling you to do that.  But once I read the ending I came up with an alternate quickly.  Robert knows he will never get the money back from Michael that he lent him in the past.  So, he uses Angela as the hit person and kills Michael.  Robert put the hit out on Michael, using Angela, and both would be paid for the deed.  Sounds cool to me.  

Otherwise, good story with an interesting ending.  My only thought is after Michael helps Angela, where were they going?  Was Michael running away with her?  What are the chances of Robert coming after Michael and Angela?  Too many storylines could be used for this one.
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