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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Congratulations
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  Author    Congratulations  (currently 481 views)
Posted: October 24th, 2019, 12:02pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Congratulations by Leif G. Jones - Short, Drama - What if the the Student Association Council was a testing ground to be an assassin? 7 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 25th, 2019, 3:49am Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Shakespeare's county
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Good morning Leif.

New writer eh, welcome  

FYI I really like the title page (other's hate that sort of thing - be warned) but I like it.
On the flip side, I would consider getting rid of the watermarks on every page - makes reading very annoying.

I don't understand the story at all - There appears to be a lot of the plot missing. I don't understand who these people are, what they do, who Virginia is and why she was killed.
Because I don't know these things I don't feel anything towards the characters, or the situation, I can't get invested.

The drama also feels a little subdued - There's a lot of talking about a box. I think the whole narrative could do with another pass. Heighten the drama, push the story forward.

I'll move on to the writing. The below is just stuff I have picked up along the way, take what you want, ignore the rest.

Quoted Text

The room is quiet. There is a simple aesthetic to the room,
along with the six chairs that have jackets on the back of
the them. The chairs circle a long table. The sixth chair
doesn't have a jacket only a box in front of it on the table.

ARTHUR enters the room, a sense of order and balance in him.
He casually goes to his seat which is on the left side of
table by the first chair.

He is on his phone.

After a couple of seconds he places the phone on the table.

Then he notices it. The box.

He thinks he knows what it is but isn't too sure.

He gets up.

JIMMY and DAWN walk in the room hanging off each other,
clearly in love with just their bodies. Jimmy catches a
glimpse of Arthur and pushes Dawn away. She is not happy.

Repeats - I have put in bold the instances you have told us we are in a room. You only need to do it once.
As a generalised rule, we want to tell as much as possible in as few words as possible, so repeating information is counter-productive.

Ages - Character ages are improtant for characterisation, visualisation and of course, casting.

Show don't tell - Goes without saying that we are writing for the screen, so try and keep a visual mentality when writing. E.G
"ARTHUR enters the room, a sense of order and balance in him." cannot be translated to screen unless you show us him acting orderly and balanced.

Keep what is necessary, cut the rest - On this page, alot of space is used to describe jackets on chairs and Arthur on the phone. From what I gather from the story, none is relevant. Sometimes you have to be brutal with your own work and cut out the unnecessary to keep the  story flowing nicely.

Best advice is to register for the boards (if you haven't already) - get involved with discussion, interact with other writers and see if you can analyse others works (Leaving reveiws for others can help them, but it's also a helpful excercise for you to read and break down stories)
In doing so, you may also attract the attention of the plethora of good writers on here who can offer you better advice on your work (I'm not one of them, so it's their advice you really want)

Best of luck with your writing




Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Posted: October 25th, 2019, 4:11am Report to Moderator
January Project Group

Las Vegas, Nevada
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I agree a lot with what Matthew says. I read this based on the logline but didn't know how to critique it because I was more confused. If I hadn't read the logline then I would have been totally lost. It's a good idea just flesh it out/clean it up some.
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