SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is January 17th, 2021, 9:45pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Items of Note:

Yes, I am running script reviews, again...
find a good Script and write a review!

Scripts Studios Are Posting For 2021 Award Consideration

I'm not ignoring you. Check your spam folder.


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Charlie Counsellor
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Charlie Counsellor  (currently 49 views)
Don
Posted: January 9th, 2021, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14276
Posts Per Day
1.96
Charlie Counsellor by Mike Felix - Short, Drama - {no logline} 10 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
_ghostwriters
Posted: January 11th, 2021, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1108
Posts Per Day
0.26
Ahoy Mike,

Don't want to leave you hangin' so I'll be the first. Drum roll...

Not a bad effort. I know, I know...not exactly words to live by, but it just...is; basically, it's kind of ho-hum. It feels like it could be shorter. Dialog a bit too OTN. Try for more subtext instead. Some of the questions Charlie was asking, such as... how long they’ve been married? How they met?  I dunno, I may be way too square, but... when I was Charlie’s age I knew the answers to those questions about my parents. I think most teenagers would. I could be wrong though. But more to my point... in laywoman’s terms the exchanges between Beatrice, Ben, and Charlie seems to be a conversation that reads as if it's only for the benefit of the audience. I'm reacting to a lot of what seems to be staged expository dialog that is too heavy for my tastes. Not to belabor the point, but...naturally there has to be expository dialog and so forth but you need to hide or at least camouflage some exposition. Take it, it's backstory exposition, not plot exposition. Another option is to show a flashback.

That aside, I starting to realize exposition looks worse on the page than on the screen. I remember watching Rain Man, how all that back story was relayed before the brothers get on the road - - it's all exposition. But it didn't feel like it. Of course, I should not end this without remarking a suggestion. Maybe make Charlie a few years older and leave the reveal that he’s their son towards the end would have been a great Ah-Ha moment.  Yup, different strokes. No biggie.

Second -- logline it for us.

Anywaz, I've exceeded the max characters for this post. I like the sweet concept... I just think it needs a few minor adjustments.  Just my opinion. Wishing you the best of Irish luck with it.


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006